Monday, July 12, 2010

You are making memories...make them good ones

Sitting at my makeshift desk in the hospital room, I am going through my email and of course FB pages as Olivia is finally settled in watching television. The room is quiet, finally, and we have a few hours before the next treatment, medicine doses and IV antibiotics. As I sit here reading I am relishing in not hearing "Momma can you……" for the hundreth time. I am thinking, wow, just a moment, and I will get through email, respond to some people and breath. The day always consist of constant Doctors coming in and out, visitors, nurses, physical therapy and just constant medical therapies that need to be done. The day is exhausting really. I just get tired. I have not been sleeping well. Lately I have only slept out of pure exhaustion.

Olivia is a little frustrated with me because at night my back really, really hurts. It is so hard to concentrate and stay focused on anything let alone a game to play. She doesn't really understand the age, tired, no sleep, back hurting mixture that comes upon me because I just work through it. Lately though, it has been worse than normal but I know it is just stress, tired and needing a break that will never get here until after this transplant. My stepmom would love to come and give me a break but Olivia is not up for it yet and I am not sure I am either. I need the break, want the break but I just can't bring myself to do it.

So what does all of this have to do with the title of the blog? Well, as my little feeble brain is going down the FB page and thanking God for the small amount of time to look at it…I run across a status that says "You are making memories….make them good ones!" Yikes, stop! Everything comes screeching to a halt. Why you ask? Because in my life, life is magnified. Everything is bigger than normal. Life and death is a reality everyday. The financial stress is bigger because you always have to split finances between home, bills and the hospital. Almost like supplying a second home. Marriage stress is bigger because you are always under a certain amount of stress and having to deal with hard issues not just, "you forgot to take out the trash again ". And time is always of the essence because you are not sure how much time you have left for getting ready to go back to the hospital, time with Dean, time with friends , really time to de-stress and time with Olivia.

So, you have to make the most of every moment . When making the most of every moment are they good memories. This is the phrase that caught my eye. Because I sit here and see all the stress. I am constantly pushing Olivia because she has to do it to stay healthy. Let me tell you. That girl is feisty and hard headed. We spend a lot of time being mad at each other these days because she hates doing her treatments, taking her medicine, having to get up and not sleep, working out her sugar levels…and the list goes on and on and on. Oh yes, this is the part where you say "You are doing all the right things" and I respond "I know" but, and this is a huge but, it is dang tough being a Mom. Trying to make all the best choices and not going with what is easy. To push harder when they push back. Love them through attitudes, frustration with you and when this day you are not even on their phone of top five anymore you handle it. I think at various times of the day I get pulled off and on that list, LOL.

As I look at what all we do in one day the one thing hit me right in the face, are Olivia's memories going to be good ones. When Olivia looks back on this time, will she see the sacrifice? Will she understand that I am trying to make the best memories for her, for me, for my family? Will she remember the things I did right or will it all be what she didn't like? Will she just remember that Mom's back hurt all the time or will she remember Mom was there when I needed her? Will she think it was all my fault that my family went through so much or will she understand she had nothing to do with it. Now, before you go all gushy on me…remember…she is a teenager. She is having to endure things that none of us can understand. She is walking through so much that it will be hard to see anything in her mirror right now but when time fades the pain, the heartache, and life becomes "normal" what will she remember.

So, after my wonderful friend posted this status update, I had to stop, think, and make sure that the life I pour into Olivia is important. Her memories are important. Her memories will shape her future and her life. As I said, because of where God has planted and directed our lives we have a magnifying glass over all we do. We don't always like what we see, love what we are doing but we always trust Him to help us through it. So today I am remembering to make good memories with Olivia because when she moves on in her life, post transplant, those are the things she will draw upon to make her life good. And if for some reason our life together is short…those are the memories I will live with and remember about her. I get so caught up in the day to day I forget how important those moments are and those moments make up our memory.

Please know I am good. This was a very thought provoking moment for me but I am good. Well, okay, honestly I am "okay" and I don't really try to take a moment and think about all that is going on but sometimes things like this break through and it provokes my poor brain to assess my life at the moment.

In His Grip
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