Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Don't you hate it! You have several wonderful weeks with your family, with your friends and most of all with God. You are basking in this great relationship that has been deepened by an intimate quiet word with your Father. You have really discovered this new strength and wisdom in an attribute of God that you have never seen before. You feel on top of a mountain. You are at peace and all is right with the world.
Then out of blue, or so it feels,wham! You run into this huge brick wall. You ran because the path was clear, the stones were moved away and you were listening to some great music on your i-pod. Remember, all was right in your world right now. You are running the race, on fire for God. Then WHAM! you are on the ground, you are bleeding, wondering what happened. You look up to see the tallest wall you have ever seen. Where did that wall come from and how did it get in your way and why is it standing there anyway? Then just as you are asking the questions and getting up, brushing off the dust of the ground, and checking all body parts for broken bones and blood you realize you never saw that coming. This very tall, very fortified brick obstacle standing in your way.
So where did the wall come from? What is the wall made up of? And how do we either move the wall or get to the other side? And most of all "God, I saw the vision....I got the concept....I was riding the wave so to speak,what happened?"...and you know, I think God has a little chuckle at those words. I think He looks at me, like I look at Olivia when she is confused about something that is so plain and wonders "how did she miss what I was saying?" and somethng along the lines of " that hard head of hers is going to hurt a bit when the light comes one!"
Moving a wall, a fortress, is always one brick at a time. We have to tear that wall down to really keep walking on the path ahead of us. If we try to "cheat" and walk around it...well, did you really think that was going to happen?" When God is perfecting something in us, his will is going to be accomplished. So, we may think we skirted the wall but, guess what, there will be another circumstance and another wall that we will have to deal with.
To tear it down, one brick at a time, the easiest way is to ask questions. The Who, What, Where, Why and How? questions. The ones you remember from writing a book report. In my case the Who, well it just happens to always be me. That wall may be around a circumstance. For instance, answers that I can't seem to get from the Doctor. I might say that wall is fortified with those people that are making my life really difficult but when I get alone with God, really alone so that the voices of my circumstances surrounding me are not screaming out their immediate demands, I ask God who is fortifying this well and when I truly listen He nevers says that it's my circumstance that is the problem or the mortar that is holding that wall together. In that still quiet voice He has, He reminds me that this is all about me. Because He is not dealing with their heart. He is dealing with mine.
Bummer, or not. Life is all about perspective. In that moment of quiet exchange I can see myself, see my circumstance and realize that the wall became a wall that I could now see. Not because it wasn't there before....but because now I have the ability to see it and do something about it. Tear down that me that I do not want to be and draw closer to the woman of God that I so desire to be. In answering that first question, it allows God to show me the impurities in my heart but also, it allows Him to show me my need.
Our need is usually the "What". This last hospital visit, I really saw that for the first time. Right before we went to the hospital things had been really, really good at home. Olivia was doing so much better, emotionally and spiritually. Dean and I were hitting on all cyclinders and life was becoming some what "normal" for us. Life was planned, then WHAM! off to the hospital. And that new "Wall". The first realization I had that there was a wall was the way in which we left. Dean is wanting to wait it out, and obviously we had two different perspectives, I was packing the car. Being the woman I am, well, when it is down to the line...I win. I use the mother's intuition thing to throw it over the line.
My mindset is following along these lines: we get to the ER in the early morning, all those kids are in school...we get in and out because they are going to tell us she is fine like they always do and we will go home scratching our heads. What really happened : We sat in the ER for 12 hours, several tests and two Doctors later..they decide that she needs to be admitted. But really, just because her stats are dropping. Well, okay, I can deal with that and 21 days later...life has changed dramatically.
I didn't realize that the wall was just looming there. It was just so tall I missed it.If I tossed my head all the way back and looked up, yep, it was there. There was no ladder, no going around it, just one big block of bricks standing in my way. It fortification just staring down at me as if to say, I am here, see me roar! And the roar was so loud because that giant was not made of soft stuff. It almost shouted...bet you are on the edge of your seat....here it is...CONTROL. That is it. The lesson that I "thought" I had learned was trust. But is it truly trust if it comes with "I will trust you, but just let me control the circumstances". Do I really have tell you the answer? You see, I am always in control until I am not. And I have the built in ability to find ways to control my circumstances. Did you know that I know what every liver lab number looks like, what it should be, why it is out of range, and what to do about it when it goes out of range. That way I can control the outcome. If I know things are going south, because the numbers are saying so...I can prepare, I can prepare Olivia and Dean. I can line up what needs to be done at home, at the hospital, finances, bills, and have extreme focus. But you see, what happens when you are going into true liver failure....all your lab numbers suddenly start getting extremely better. It is a horrible, horrible trick to play on someone who is working on this control issue. One Doctor in the ER,that has no idea what is going on, looks at Olivia's numbers and says she is fine. Ready to send her home. Dr. Romero walks in and we are staying....WOW. So we started this admission with me off-balance so to speak because that new level of trust that I thought I had developed with God was going to be truly tested and tried in the fire.
As I sat at the bottom of the wall, all skinned up from the fall, frustrated with why it was there and holding on to the things I knew....well, I finally heard God say..."it is well, with your soul!" . Listen and we will talk about it. We will get through this and you will be better for it. And I replied, for the first time in my life with all honesty...."Yes, Lord".
I am not finished here, I think I am going to break this up into three parts...so here is a taste of part one.