Sunday, November 14, 2010



Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who doesn't love a good cup of hot soup in the winter or snuggling in a blanket in front of a good fire with a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate with those nice marshmallows in them. I know I do. I love sitting in a comfy chair and reading and I love a good pot of home made soup but most of all I realized yesterday that I love stability. When I think about the things that comfort me and allow me to heal, to think, to get perspective the one thing I know, it starts with some comfort. Sometimes small things that the smell of walking in my front door and sometimes big things like sitting watching a movie with Dean and Olivia. But the healing can start when I have something to lean on.

In my life of constant change I did not realize how much I crave comfort. You see, underlining all this whirlwind of surgeries, disappointments, frustrations and constant back and forth to the hospital you would think "Wow, she has it down". It seems like everyone else's week, we just go to the hospital. Sometimes it does become routine. But here is the reality, as long as I can prepare myself and I have the one thing that underlines it all….my nurses, then I survive. Those ladies on the floor that love me no matter what! When I had to handle life and death stuff they held my hand and my heart and helped me make it another day. When I could not take another Doctor they took the time to help me talk it through. They have loved me, cried with me and helped me walk a little straighter and stronger. So, why, oh why did God have to rock even that boat for me.

For the last week the Doctors have had this "something" about who is taking care of Liv. The Liver Doctors have written her off because according to them she is fine. If you have the chance to really look at her I would beg to differ but hey, the surgery went well. Her scar healed. She is losing blood everyday but I am sure that is just normal…UGGH. I had to draw their attention back to that point because they seemed to overlook it as they were so assured of her liver numbers. Then the pulmonologist. You never see them, they never come by, they have been just writing orders here and there and all the while…in this world of limbo Olivia and I have been at least assured of one thing, our nurses on the 6th floor. They love her. They don't judge her. They allow her to be afraid, hurt, mad, happy, and to work through so many problems that she has to face. So the idea of changing floors has been a looming dark shadow over us. Most of the fifth floor nurses are more about protocol, process, orders than the person. Of course they are nice and helpful but they are just not used to seriously ill kids. They are used to the teenagers with no parents here. Attitudes, frustrations and fighting them to follow protocol. You would think we would be a cup of fresh air.

So, last night, all of sudden we had to make the move to the 5th floor. I had prepared myself all week. I had prepared Olivia all week. But, when the time came I just fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it together but it just seemed my world was being ripped apart. I just could not figure out why I was so upset. Then it just hit me. That comfort. That stability. That kindness was gone. I would have to start over with new nurses. The struggle of having to make it all work on my own again was just ahead. The simple things and nuisances that you look for in a transplant kid is lost on this floor. My anxious thought of "what do you think" lost on a protocol than really just a Mom trying to get a thought or opinion to relieve the anxiety.

Then the big picture just loomed above me. God, "Why are you taking this away from me!"…"I just made friends that really understood where I am!" …"I am not the one always giving this time, there are people here that help me too!", " God I am so tired and weary". Dean wasn't even here to help me make the move to the fifth floor because he was home sick. I had to do it all by myself and boy that led to, " I feel like I am doing this all by myself most of the time"…(which is a silly pity party on my part and so not true but hey, there are times that you have to vent something out.) Then, as I was unpacking Sophie came to the door. Dear Sophie. And part of the picture that is bigger than my pity party came to light.

You see, Sophie's Dad left them the last time she was in the hospital. He decided he did not want to be a Dad anymore. But not just that he did not want to be a Dad, but he took the time to tell the kids that. Her Mom is in the middle of trying to start over and move to another state. Sophie is here at the hospital for the first time by herself. Even though she is fourteen, still, when you have had your Mom all the time it is hard and my stubborn attitude melted just a bit. She is two doors down. How can I not know that God moved us down to help her. And yes, comfort is nice. Walking this life is not easy but, God knew at the end of the day I could handle it. Because the picture is bigger than my comfort.

Don't get me wrong, when I get home I am making that soup, I am watching all the TV I want to and I am having a good cup of coffee and hot chocolate. You can count on that. I am even going to curl up in a chair and enjoy a good read in my fluffy housecoat. Then, I am going to cook and get ready for Thanksgiving at the King household with all the trimmings I can muster. We may have to freeze some food by the time I get through or give it away but who cares….my life is bigger than those moments of comfort.

I am called to lean on God, not nurses for my comfort. I am being called to a higher walk with God than I ever knew I could do. Because today people need to see real people living a real life with God. I love that at our church we don't call ourselves Christians but Christ Followers. Because the word Christian has become symbolized as something negative. But those that live life out as a follower of Christ just naturally draw people to them. Why? Because people need God. They need love. They need that comfort that I received from the nurses. They have emotional and spiritual needs that they can't even identify but when they feel it or see it…they know it! The sad part, it is the person going out of their way to help someone is out of the ordinary these days. It is the person caring for just a moment about someone else and not themselves that seem strange to our society anymore. The Christian walk is harder now than it has ever been because of how the morality of our culture has changed. So one person at a time. One moment of the time we are called to make a difference. Even if it costs us that one thing that means most to us. For me it was that small bit of comfort. But I know and God knows, I am strong enough to handle even losing that and like I told Olivia some child needed our room up there and they needed what we received more than we did. And down here, we will make the best of it and God will bless our time here…it will just be different.

Someday soon we will go home and I will be able to heal wrapped in the warmth and stability of my own house. My own living room, bedroom and kitchen. So I will look forward to that and not look back at what was lost but more importantly what was gained. I gained invaluable friendships. I gained love that I did not realize I needed so badly and I am learning one step at a time to trust God's design. He knows what we need and how much we can handle.

Oh, and just as I am finishing writing this the Doctor's come in to tell me that her blood problems might be related to an antibiotic she is on. Wow, they could have saved me so much worry if I had seen them yesterday. Yet again, give me a little comfort that things may not be what they appear or just trust my God to know what is ahead and just breath. Just breathing… and out…in and out…….

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Wow, I am humbled to be honored

Wow, I am humbled to be honored

Thursday, November 04, 2010

The days have gone on and on and I am so grateful for this opportunity to talk about my thoughts, feelings, and all the emotions that go with it. What memories I experience when I go back through some of these blogs and see how far we all have come. Because this journey has not been just my own, but all of you that have walked with me. I have been amazed at the journey. Sometimes good, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes shouting from the mountain top. But each and every day I see the hand of God in this walk and that is all that matters. I have been amazed at the at what God has brought me through not only through the last few months but really, my whole life. My life has taken many rough climbs up the mountain with so many falls, spills, scrapes, cuts, and sometimes a broken bone or two but every step, every breath, every move with God is worth it.

More importantly I am amazed at how God uses this blog. For me, I am just writing my thoughts and heart…but for some it has been life changing. Now, that is a God thing. That God would even use such a simple writer to reach someone else. That makes the experience worth it to me. This is a writer that had to take writing twice in college to pass it. So even when someone says something good about my writing I just chuckle inside because I know God has blinded them to all the infractions, errors and grammar mistakes I know I have made along the way. So when I begin to tell you about a pretty cool award the blog received I hope you know it was a little more than humbling for me.

In His Grip received the Versatile Award

My dear friend Anita passed on the Award to me and I was completely taken by surprise. You have to understand that I am a member of a writers group that has stellar writers and Anita is one of those writers. In fact, she writes some incredible devotions on her blog called "From the Mango Tree". They all have books written and/or published. They all sit on some board for writer's somewhere and their abilities far surpass mine. The fact that they allow me to participate is amazing to me. In fact, when I started my blog I tried to hide it from them but ever so slowly I think they have all found it. I am truly humbled and honored to receive the award.

As a result of the award, I have to do two things: pass on the award to other bloggers, and share a few things about myself…so here is my list:

1. I love good coffee. I love Starbucks but my home Kuerig machine is the bomb to me.

2. I am so introverted though no one seems to believe that.

3. I am passionate about family , friends, Olivia and my husband.

4. I am passionate about writing even though I know I am not a writer. My friend Melissa's says it is all in the editing anyway.

5. I love to entertain and decorate my house for the seasons and/or holidays. Having friends over and just chatting is always the way to go with me!

6. I love my job. I love Marketing anything. If I could, I would work all the time so I have to force myself not to.

7. Spending time with my friends is the best medicine in the world to me. People are important. Their lives are important. Their friendship is the most important. To me, people matter!

8. I do not like rude people! I can't stand to be in a crowded store and see where the world has gone in rudeness. It makes me crazy!

9. The number one thing you need to know about me, I am passionate about living for God, knowing God and having a relationship with God. That supersedes anything else with me.

I am giving away the Versatile Award to these blogs that mean so much to me:

1., Melissa is one of the best writers I know and has such a great humor

2. Anita really does have the best devotions

3. My friend Julie and her Mom write the best blog. It makes me miss my Mom so much. Great blog

4. this blog I am proud of. My friend Kim and I started this blog to help other Moms with Chronically Ill Children and Kim is a great writer.

5. Ane has a great blog. I love the title Southern-fried Fiction. She makes me laugh.

6. from Nora called Novel Journey. She writes about new books coming out and does and excellent job with the site and with her book clubs.

7. Robert happens to be a serious writer like me. We don't throw in many jokes and we seem to be more introspective. That may be why I love it. His blog is so worth the read.

8. this is my new friend Kirk Kraft that is writing about his daughter's story but also including other hero kids going through liver disease

So now you have the blogs I like, some new things about me but what about you? Do you have some things you would like people to know about you?

Thanks Anita, I am quite humbled and thanks for all of you that read this. I pray all the time that God give you something new. Just maybe we will all learn more and I won't give up on my writing :)

In His Grip