Monday, July 19, 2010

Love---Is Tough

Love-- Is really Tough


Monday, July 19, 2010

12:26 PM

Perspective is really in the eye of the beholder. I know it says beauty but really perspective is true as well. I have really seen over the last few days how important perspective can be. It changes your view of your world. It may not change someone else's world view but can make an incredible impact into yours.

When we got the call on Tuesday (Wednesday morning) at 2:00am my world changed. For years, this is what I had begged God for. For years I had seen Olivia wither away in her world of pain and sickness and no way to bring her out. I had seen what she had lost and begged God to give her chance to experience a life without so many complications, pain and sickness. But when that call finally came I couldn't breath. The reality of what that call meant was overwhelming. I kept busy so I could not think about all the things that could go wrong. All the things the Doctors were apprehensive about. All the things that would change in our world if God decided to heal Olivia and take her home instead of here. So, I took a breath, decided to Trust God and move ahead. Then all day I saw my beautiful girl enjoy friends and family coming by and doing what I was doing in her own way. Avoiding the inevitable and someone's perspective of reality. But, as we left her at the OR that night, as she begged her Dad not to make her do it, as she cried and begged me with those big brown eyes to please make it all stop .I stopped breathing. And then I had to walk away so she could go to surgery. Not ever knowing if I would see her again in this world. Not ever knowing if that was the last thing she would ever know and I would hear from my little girl. I almost ran out of that room when she was gone. I was amazed how strong God made me to smile, love and give her the best I had because I collapsed onto Dean about a minute later. God gave me what I needed for one minute then he gave me my husband to hold me up the rest of the way. The toughest love I think is letting someone go to see if they do come back to you. Letting go without a net to catch her. Letting go without knowing what will be on the other side.

Back to perspective. So fast forward through a long night of waiting, waiting and waiting. Then she arrives in PICU. All going well. WOW. Breathe…but then the real hard part starts that I had forgotten all these years. The pain, the up and downs, the screaming, the begging, the holding on. I had friends dropping like flies in the PICU because of the pain and hurt she was suffering and still suffering. I hear their perspectives of my life. How they see what I really have been walking through now. I don't think you can see it without walking in the trenches or having been there. But, to me Love is what gets me through. Being tough on her is so hard but so needed. Walking through this has been more than I ever thought but I had a friend show me how to see past the moment and into the future. The future is so much brighter for her. So God helps me remain calm, not letting it in, keeping it in perspective because my perspective and Olivia's is two different things.

Now, four days later, she is setting records for recovery. Her liver is working, her lungs have finally kicked and Dean and I are elated. Olivia on the other hand, not so much. All she can see is the pain. All she can do is worry about the next therapy session full of pain. But, all Dean and I see is the future. When we are home and maybe, just maybe, not bound by the hospital anymore. Running to and fro to drama lessons, ballet, COOP, whatever she wants to do. Walking in a new place. We are constantly reminding each other every day that our paradigm has changed so our perspective has to change.

The bottom line. God is a God of miracles. We received our miracle today and will always remember that though we walked through years of uncertainty and concern. Though we have lost a lot through the years we have gained so much. Our Faith is strong, our marriage is strong and Olivia is strong and will be stronger. I can't imagine how hard it is on God, our creator, to be tough on us so we are better and stronger but I know that He knows that when it is all over we will be the best we can be. Because I know that when this is over, Olivia is going to be the best she can be. I have seen the Father walking through all of this and I have a new appreciation for His heart, His eyes and His wisdom . Just one more day closer to really trusting Him.
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