Monday, June 14, 2010

As I walk the Halls what do I see

Monday, June 14, 2010

I have been really praying, reading and trying to listen to God lately. Well, I try to do that all the time but sometimes doesn't God give you that nudge to go a little deeper? Just a little quieter so you can listen a little better. Pressing in. sitting on his lap, talking and sharing. I am not sure if it is the recent circumstances and us drawing nearer to Olivia's transplant or the long ten years it has taken to get her. I just know that He has been whispering in my ear to stop and listen. But also to seek Him out and find His voice in the midst of the whirlwind called my life.

What did it take to get my attention? I am not sure if you have heard but Thursday evening they had a liver for Olivia. WOW. That tidbit of information stopped me in my tracks. For years I have been begging, pleading, seeking, battling to get here. But, even though we were finally listed I don't think it has really sunk in that the time is now. Unfortunately the size of the liver was too large for Olivia. But, what a wake up call. I realized we were now at the top of the list for her blood type. Again, WOW. At that moment my mind went into overdrive. It was a moment later that it started sinking in and in that still moment of my quiet time I started reflecting on life. I came to realize that in a short period of time my life will again be changed forever. I started feeling the pressure of all that needed to be done and assessing every part of m y life to make sure it is ready to be put on hold.

So, like every Mom in the world that runs a household I started my list. I started thinking through all the parts of life that needed to be tied up to get through this whole process. Even assessing families situations to make sure they are in line so we can make sure life is as de-stressed as possible. I am going through the checklist. Dean and I okay, check. Olivia experiencing anything she can and wants to, check(I don't want to miss a thing), Dog and House will be taken care of, check. Is the house clean enough to survive people staying there , check. You get the idea. There are forty other things on that list but I am sure you do not want to go through the whole list. I just want to make sure that physically, mentally, emotionally and most of all spiritually we are ready. Because this will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. The hardest thing Dean and I will walk through and I can't even imagine what it will be like for Olivia.

Part of that process is of course facing some realities of what that all means to Olivia and to us. Looking at all those scenario's. The good, we have a liver, it works wonderfully and life moves on or God deciding to heal Olivia by bringing her home. So, at the top of my list is assessing my relationship with God . I have to know where God and I stand. Can I really handle the strain our relationship could go through if Olivia were not here anymore. Not because I am begging him for a miracle, not because I expect things to go perfect, not because I know that the probability percentages are 30/70, all those things roll around in your head. But, because I want to know that no matter what, no matter if He decides to heal her by taking her home to be with Him…that I will still call Him Father. I will still call Him Friend. I will still call on Him period .But, as I have walked through these halls, I have seen something I did not expect to see.

Love. Love abounds. I found it in the place that I did not expect it. In me. For years, for whatever reason I always gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I always wanted to go the extra mile. I took seriously the personal responsibility of being Jesus' hands and feet. But, I never connected the significance of that until I walked these halls of the hospital these last few weeks. Seeing their pain, their hurt, their need makes me realize it is not my duty, my "calling", or my responsibility. Because God never did anything because it was His responsibility. He does all things as a loving Father.

As I was going down the hall I thought about what it would be like to be no longer a part of this place. That we have lived here for ten years is amazing. Olivia said the other day that it is sad when you call room service and they not only know your order but they know your name before you tell them. We have made friends, we have been a part of their lives, we have loved, laughed and hurt with them. I have seen the years on my face. I have seen the stress walk over me and some days I want to run from this place and never return. But I realized I was a little sad. Because soon, no matter the circumstances, I feel that this season in our life is coming to a close. The part where we live here all the time. And I cried. Not because I did not want to move on in life, I do. But because I realize that the one thing that God may have gotten close to perfecting in me through this fire is the ability to love. Love those that are unlovable. Care, for those that do not always have the best attitudes and give beyond what I have because there is always a need. My heart has been expanded ten fold to those around me. Not just here at the hospital but this place has been a tool that God has used in my life to make me stronger but also to make me softer, compassionate and to learn to love at greater depths.

Please, I know I have not been perfected in these area's, just ask Dean. But, I am so much farther down the road than I could have ever imagined and if God has allowed me to feel that much compassion for people, that much love for them…then the answer to my question was there all along, wasn't it. Because if I can feel that for those I don't know, how much more can I feel that for a Father that has done more for me than I could ever have known. So, today. I realize that love is beyond us. It is outpouring out of us if we know Him who has always wanted to be our Father, our Dad, our Daddy, our friend. He created us to love, outside of ourselves, beyond our boundaries, beyond our walls. And if He loves me enough to change my heart then no matter what happens I will always call Him "Dad".

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