The Word of our Testimony

The Word of our Testimony

Friday, September 09, 2011

3:32 PM

For the last several weeks I have been very quiet in my writing.  It seems that in the midst of trying to find "what" to write I got lost in the "why" should I write.  You see, to me, when you write you are writing with the knowledge of being an expert. That is the one thing  I am not . I am not an expert.  I am just one person trying to live life being sold out  being a follower of Christ.  That does  not make me an expert, just another person living life the best I know how.

This all started weeks ago with so much turmoil in my spirit.  I just wanted to give up and throw it all in my delete bucket. But something just would not let me do that. God wanted me to stretch myself into hearing Him so that when I did I would not turn back.  I would know it was Him and only Him.

It actually started on Wednesday night.  I am listening to our Bible Study but in my mind all the things I feel I am supposed to be doing in life start rolling around in there, you know that head of mine can't keep still.  I keep focusing back on the message and my brain keeps going back to my writing.  It was quite frustrating arguing with myself in my head.  Thank goodness Chuck did not call on me to answer a question because my answer may have not been on the subject he was teaching. I would catch a bit of a phrase it would take me all the way through the scenario in my head again. All this head space was taken up to find my  purpose in writing. So many other things should have been able to go in my brain but really that has been my focus, arguing with God about this whole writing issue.  

A friend challenged me in that area and because I know her, I knew she is right. I challenged myself.  Why does it matter? Why not just give up. There are so many people out there doing a great job at it. So on and on the argument went.  But in the end, why did it matter?  I have a lot of other things I can do, why keep pressing me about this?

Through the last few years I have been challenged with so many things in writing.  Things I did not know, things I did not understand and quite honestly people that have the ability to write eloquently and draw  you in to their reading is such a gift that I did not really see myself as a writer.  I happen to "feel" extremely insufficient to write. But something continually draws me in.  The Holy Spirit constantly whispers in my ear these words that just feel like they need to be on paper.  So, I kept hashing at it until finally I gave up. Until today.

God has been teaching me so much lately about making it less "me" and more Him.  As I started seeing that picture of God drawing me nearer  to Him, I saw more clearly what He was asking of me.  Have you ever done that?  Have you ever thought, God you just don't get it?  Are you hearing me?  Then, in that quiet still moment the answer to that monumental problem seems to just appear.  Maybe it was in the shower as you were getting ready to go, or driving to work and you hear a particular song and it drifts your mind back to that problem and Wham! There is the answer.  Or even, sitting on your back porch in your favorite spot  the answer starts forming in your mind. 

As each day passed I got closer to seeing the picture and today I saw it the best.  I was at yet another Bible Study, I just love being out and about and learning, and I said to someone that God says " we overcome with the blood of the lamb and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY".  I was just talking but in my head I was saying THAT's IT.  No one has my testimony…no one has YOUR testimony.  I was so excited to tell my husband that I get it now.  God has shown me the reason to write.  Because maybe someone will be changed, encouraged, given strength, seen the love of God because I decided to share my testimony.  It isn't about me but it is about what God has done for me that it stands.

As I was processing that small piece of the puzzle, I got home and opened my email.  I had received a letter from a young girl that had read "Why Doesn't God Heal Me".  She told me how she cried, actually she said she started bawling which completely broke my heart for her , and had all the same questions as Olivia.  How much she felt she missed out on in her teenage years because she was sick.  Why doesn't God just heal her?  Then, after she shared her heart she just wanted to thank me for sharing mine through writing.  Wow.  Tears just would not stop as I read her letter.  That God touched her life, gave her hope and love that she so desperately needed and that He used her in my life.

I will thank her, because as the tears stained my face I realized how much God wanted to imprint on my heart that our testimonies matter.  They do help and impact people.  They do change lives and she will go on to help someone else because she is stronger and her faith has increased.  I also know that she will be on my daily prayer list as well.  There are no "chance" meetings. We don't always get to see the impact of what God is doing through us, through our life and through our testimony but He is using us each and ever day to impact someone in our life whether we realize it or not.

So…be strong…and share your testimony!  God has some mighty things He wants to do through you!  It may not be writing, that was my catalyst, but He has something that only you can do and say.  Your testimony is the one that will reach one…that will reach one…and reach one and can you imagine if all we all did that! 

Amazing Grace, How sweet the sound

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

9:32 AM

This past two weeks it seems so much has  hit our household.  We had two very different but also very close friends pass away.  Both were sudden and without warning.  So much threaded through the halls of my mind.   Some of those threads went into rooms that are closed and not used much anymore, just to be opened and re-examined.  Others opened new doors to rooms that I had not seen before.  But, through all the processing I was amazed at God's grace.

Our friend Jeff had a sudden massive heart attack.  Though all the details are a bit unknown as to why it all happened, his family and friends stood vigil by his bedside until he took his last breath.  I was honored to be one of those friends.  There to be strength for his wife and dear friend Beth and just to do whatever I was asked or needed to do. 

One of those things, Beth just wanted me to be there by her side.  Just standing.  Just being strong.  Just being a rock for her while the wind of change was blowing through that room.  Seeing her virile, precious, husband's life ebb into Jesus' arms.  Having to make some heart wrenching decisions about life support.  Having to watch her daughter just ache at the loss of her Dad.  To be honest, the day never seemed to end. But it pressed on and so did we as the night turned to morning and the final breaths were taken.

I will never want to even speak to what Beth was going through in those hours upon hours.  That is her  story, but for me so much was shown to me in just a small span of time that I thought that God was exploding through the room. 

For me , standing beside that bed and hearing the heart of a wife saying goodbye, hearing his daughter tell him all the things that she loved about him, and a Mom saying goodbye to her son but begging him not to go  had my heart wanting to run from the room.  But my Father in Heaven wanted me stand.  I am not sure that I was all that needed at the moment, there were more than enough friends by her side. But for some reason God wanted me there and just wanted me to stand.  When I realized that,  it was in that perfect moment that we started singing "Amazing Grace".  All of us around Jeff's bedside.  Not loud but definitely strong.  The peace, just like a river…surrounded that room.  Tears were already flowing down his cheek, along with everyone else and I know , at that moment , he knew how much he was loved. He felt love surround him.  He heard his family's cry and he also saw the Father waiting on Him.  Waiting on Him to finish his goodbyes.  In those long hours of holding on , love and grace were what flowed.

This week my friend Noran went home in her sleep.  This is a woman that lived life well. She loved with all her heart, she prayed with all her might and she walked every day with Jesus.  Though she went to sleep and did not wake up I know the Angels of Heaven walked her home in those wee hours of the morning.  What a blessing and a comfort of grace that she did not suffer.  She just woke up at home completely healed. But for us, one great prayer warrior has gone home. 

As I witnessed my friends going into the arms of Jesus this week, I was struck by the amount of grace God has extended to me.  You see, Dean has had three heart attacks and well, we all know Olivia's amazing story. I came home and loved on my family and I have a new appreciation of love and grace. Every moment in our life is designed by God.  He is the only one that knows the hour and the day that we will go home to be with Him. I have seen my Mom and Dean's parents and sister welcomed home to be with Jesus and the Father.  I know, in those moments of passing that they would not want to come back for anything.  My sweet friend Noran and Jeff walked into Jesus' waiting arms this week.  The celebration must be huge in heaven.  But for those left behind, life is fragile and a gift.  Each and every day is a gift to those of us that have been touched by the amazing people God has placed in our lives.

So this week I think I am going to be just a little quieter to hear what my friends and family are really saying and not just  the words.  I want to hear their heartbeat and their struggles.  I want to understand their needs.  I want to be thankful for every minute God has placed them in my life to help me, make me just a little better, and loved just a little more because they were in my life.  Because for me, that is the grace of God. Prayerfully, I can also be that same person for them.

How do we lose our way?

Last night I rode home with Dean so I could bring my car back to the hospital. Typically I never even leave Olivia's room but over the last year I have come to realize that I have to get away and let my mind breath, refresh, reboot so to speak. I have to keep my head clear if I want to survive this and help her survive it well.

It is a hot, humid, summer night here in Atlanta but it is just me and the car. I love that solitude of the car.  No interruptions, no interacting.....just driving.  Those are the moments I find that small quiet time, well maybe not so quiet, to talk with God.  Sometimes I yell, sometimes I cry, sometimes I sit and just enjoy the beauty of feeling close to Him.  But it is our own special time to really communicate. 

As I leave I realize  I have about 45 minutes to ride to the hospital. Just enough time to get all the yelling and the screaming and the crying in before  I get there!  I crank up the stereo and the songs are the only thing that can be heard. I have cranked it up loud, on purpose.  I want the music to fill the car and my head. I want to hear God speak to my heart!  And loudly.

Because the thing I need most right now are not words on a page but that deep river of wisdom that only comes from God.  I need to feel the deep heart of God that reaches down and gives me that peace that passes understanding.  My mind has been going in twenty directions and this last episode with Olivia caught us all off guard.

You see the problem don't you?  I didn't  until that ride to the hospital. Because for the past few months I have been trying to put the pieces of my puzzle back together.  I have been trying to get our life back on track to where it was before all this happened.  But, you know what happened, the harder I tried the worse it seemed to get. 

My picture looked like this "  Transplant and Olivia is better and getting her friends back, life back and  happy....the drastic bills are paid off so we can start fresh....Olivia and I have time to get school back in line and we all walk off into the sunset praising God for His wonderful miracle!"

Now, I am not complaining.  God forbid I be like the Israelites coming out of Egypt but it seems I did lose my way.  I had my picture all ready to be put together. I kept trying to put those pieces into one another and it was just not working! 

The life picture is ...Olivia keeps fighting to get well.  She has had more bad days than good..I lost my job when I needed it the most....Olivia has not felt well enough to get a lot of school work done and no time to really spend with friends and just as we were thinking she could...she started getting sick again. Oh did I mention that perfect marriage seemed to be all about arguing lately!

I just kept pressing in.  Tenacity seems to be the one trait in my character that is tried and true.  I just don't have it within me to give up.  I would sit on my back porch swing and just shake my head...God, I just don't get it. Really, don't we deserve a break.  Can't you just let us have some sweet precious time of not worrying, not struggling, not preparing for the worst?"  then, the tears would just flow like rivers.  Trying to wash away the struggles ,the sorrow and the quilt.  I have friends in much more dire circumstances than we have right now.  But still I kept fighting.  I wanted my puzzle pieces to work.

On the way to the hospital, in those sweet precious moments God reached down and whispered to me that " Trusting, believing and loving have to do with my picture, not yours."  You see, I have been writing my book and talking about those particular things, repeating those things, but listening to what God is leading me to write is very different. You see, God knows me and He knows my heart. It may sound trite to you but to me my whole life needs to reflect God. He has been the true constant in my life.  The truth of real love in my life.  So, I really needed an attitude adjustment.  I needed to see the picture through His eyes  unless I do start sounding like those dang Israelites and have to wander in the desert.

So, the real picture looks much like this "  Olivia's life is spared and she is getting better but will always have challenges. The challenges helps her character be more and more like Jesus. She is able to see those in pain and sympathize and empathize with her peers at a level of maturity that is beyond her years.  She realizes that God is the provider of everything we have and so she knows we can lean on Him and trust Him.  Then, God brought a community of people together to be the hands and feet of His gospel to surround us with so many prayers, love and support that we were able to survive all of this craziness.  Hopefully that same community was able to see God's hand at work. Our family is stronger than it has every been and we are able to communitcate more than ever before. When the glass is half full, the picture looks so different.   I had a friend tell me one time "Count your many blessings name them one by one"  great hymn and great reminder.

To me, when I remember to look back the miracles are enourmous! Life is not always about rest. Sometimes, well most of the time it is about the journey and how we walk through it.  Life does not stop or slow down.  Many lives are being changed everyday forever.  We all feel that we wish we could get off the merry-go-round for just a moment....but, lest we forget that joy of being on the merry-go-round.  It is all in our perspective.

So through this hot July night I am singing at the top of my lungs.  Worship is where I start.  Worship allows me to see God and see myself in his laver.  That mirror of honesty that brings all the sin and the joy to the top. I can get rid of all the things that have hindered me from hearing His voice and allows me to hear His heart. I hear Margaret Becker in the chorus " Look me in the eye, tell me if you see traces of yourself growing here in me.?"  and that is my heart cry. That is what I am called to do and so it puts the last few days back into the right perspective of my life!

I lost my way but now I am on firmer ground again.

In His Grip
Barb

Driving down the road I can see all these moments over the past months reflecting back at me. In the process I realize I have lost my way, not from the trauma but from the routine.  Wow, imagine that. The easy stuff  is what gets us caught up in the wrong things.  Trauma pushes us closer to what is important.  I have been so concentrated on getting life back in order that I lost the reason that life exists.  I bow my head, in my mind, and repent.  I sit and hear Margeret Becker sing "Find Me" and

It has been almost a year since Olivia's transplant.  It amazes me how much we all have changed since that time.  We have not been able to fully recover yet, we have hit several bumps in the road, but she is getting stronger and stronger.  We are currently back in the hospital and having some pretty ugly issues but she is stronger and working hard getting through it all.

When you look back at life it is so easy to see the mistakes, the heartaches, and the pain.  You naturally see the hard stuff.  It quickly comes to the surface of your mind.  So, it does take a moment to remember the victories, the moutain top experiences and the joy that God has allowed us to enjoy over the year.
But here are the thongs that I am most thankful for that I have learned over the last year.

I am very thankful for God. He has been the one rock that I could count on no matter what.  He has provided so many miracles for me and my family that I am  in awe of His power and might.  In fact, recently there has been some discussion around my house about some spiritual aspects about God lately and really at the end of the day, all that matters is that God is God.  No more and no less.  He gives, loves and extends his heart beyond the recesses of what our minds can fathom.  I have been humbled and amazed at friendships that have not only endured miles, but years and mistakes.  I have been blessed beyond measure with the outpouring of love and concern for me and my family. I am so very thankful for each and everyday that God allows me to bewith Dean and Olivia.  They are the picture in my life of who God is.  How He loves, how He blesses and how He is so wise.

When I look back at the full year, in context, this is where I end.  But there are many middle parts that have changed my heart and outlook.  There have been many days that I had to face reality and realize that my will and God's will may be different.  And if there were different, how would I handle that.  I am sure you can read between the lines here.  Also, I have wept with several mothers that did not have another day with their child. The disease had taken its toll on their poor child's body and walking through that has brought an ache and scar that I pray will never heal.  It gives me that hesitation that life is more important than cleaning the house.  It gives me that understanding that friendships are so much more than just a FB quote.  It reminds me that the hunger and passion I have for God will always be strong and fervent.  I stand in His presence broken and spilled out.

Life is beautiful

Life is Beautiful!

You know what I am doing?  I am sitting bawling my eyes out over a movie. One of the saddest movies I have seen in a while and it caught me by surprise. I thought it was this nice sweet movie and then the turn happened and I thought it would never end.

As I was watched the story unfold, I felt I was getting hit with a shotgun full of memories.  Those memories I try to ignore.  Memories of pain that I never want to see again. I know you have seen those movies that bring memories flooding back and you want to run out but for some reason you are transfixed to endure it all to the end.  Well, that was the moment I was having.

At first, this poor guy…this very perfect guy falls in love with a deaf girl that has never found love because her Mom has suffocated her trying to protect her.   He helps her find her place in the world and to stand on her own feet.  As the story unfolds you find out her Dad has died and his Mom died of cancer.  Sad, right!  But then, she goes back to her Mom out of duty and has to give him up because her Mom does not see past that fact he is a waiter. She finally stands up for him and they are getting back together and well, he ends up in the hospital with advanced brain cancer.  Yep…the rest of the movie is all about him dying. But throughout the movie he is the most positive, hopeful, guy that only sees the beauty around him.  What a statement.

Why did all this affect me so much?  Because, at first all I could see was "how could all this happen to one guy?".  Such a nice guy, loved with all he had and lost it all. My mind obviously went to losing my Mom, so many times almost losing Olivia, times Dean and I just were not connecting and it almost spiraled for me into this horrible pity party.  Then the worst of it is that sometimes I feel horribly guilty.  Guilty because my girl lived.  Is that not awful.  But so many Moms I know, did not get that opportunity to have their kids and see them get better, not here anyway. 

And somewhere in the middle of it all.  The pity party, the reflection, the story in the movie I pulled from who I know best, God, and knew that the part of the movie that was crucial was not the sadness but the beauty.  The  beauty of the relationships that have held together through these horrible ordeals in my life.  So many have held my heart, my prayers and my strength by standing with me. What a blessing that will never be forgotten. 

The beauty of my marriage that has been rocked with all kinds of trials and tribulations.  The amazing truth is that when you put two people together, God has to be the third person in your marriage.  Sometimes, though not theologically sound, I think that is why we have the trinity. It is a picture that it does take three strands to stand strong.  Just two of us would never have made it this far.  But through love, friendship, forgiveness and God we have held on stronger and stronger through the years.  I never thought that would be possible.  But only beauty can come from the ashes of dying to yourself. The beauty of love as it unfolds, not in moments, not in the honeymoon, not in falling in love but from selfless acts over the years that transform us to be better people and better friends. To me, that is the beauty of love. 

Then of course Olivia. The beauty of her personality. The kindness of her heart.  The fact that she is a  spontaneous giver. The morals that have already been established in her heart that she owns. These are traits that are unfolding like a rose.  Slowly, her personality is starting to blossom again and I was not sure what it would look like.  She had been so angry and upset for so long.  But now, she embraces life. She soaks up every moment with as much enthusiasm as she can.  She still gets mad because she gets sick so easily but nothing like before. The rose is slowly opening as her heart is starting to embrace life again and I love being there for each moment.  That is the beauty of love.  Seeing through someone to their heart and loving them unconditionally. So, that when it is a season for the rose in their heart to blossom you can see those velvety, beautiful petals.

The most important part of beauty is seeing life through His eyes, His ears, His heart.  We can never even come close to being able to fully do that but we can try.  We can look into someone's eyes and ask God to help us see them as He does.  When words are spoken in anger, ask God to allow us to hear what they are really saying. When someone is hurting and wounded we can ask God to allow us to see their heart so that we know how to comfort them.  When we start looking around life is beautiful. 

So for me, my pity party turned into a celebration of sorts.  Thankful for the beauty that is all around me. Special friends, wonderful family, wonderful husband and daughter. I lost my Mom but I still have my Step Mom. She has given me so much love and support that I needed.  And if by chance my sister ever gets this far in reading my blog she might see how much I appreciate who she is in my life as well. My friends has sustained me through so much and loved me unconditionally. My husband, well, words cannot express all that he has endured personally and endured with me and still stood.  That is beautiful love that makes us all very rich people. I may not have two pennies to rub together, like my Grandfather would say but I have more love than can fill the Mississippi river.  And if you have ever seen the Mississippi river you would know how beautiful that is too.

 The rest may fall. Jobs come and go…material things can go away but love and beauty will always last. I lost my job, life isn't that easy right now but I can do what I know how to do and that is live like God would have me live and trust Him with the rest by focusing on the beauty around me and not the worries that the world would try to put on my shoulders.  Not that we should not do our very best to do all we can do but when we have truly done our best….letting God carry the rest. Focusing on the beauty allows us to be grateful for all that we do have and not want what we don't really need.

With Joy

With Joy

Monday, April 18, 2011

This weekend was such a joy. I spent Saturday at the Extraordinary Women's conference with some dear friends and then church on Sunday. It was a completely joy filled weekend. What a fresh breath of air for me. I am finally rolling into real life. Life that does not have that horrible dark shadow that is always hanging on.  A life of normalcy and expectation. What a precious gift.

My friend Barbara always seems to have the fresh breath of air around her. I love that. I love her joy, her expectancy of life. It is contagious so I long for the days that we can spend time together so I can breath in her air. At many points in my walk it reminded me of life.

God, this weekend, took a moment and reminded me of my gift of Joy.  That it was back and overflowing. The gift was bigger than I ever thought possible. I realized on Saturday, as I listened to these women of immense strength and faith talk, how truly blessed I am. I heard them speak about where they had walked. I listened to their testimonies intently. I wanted to shout out Amen several times. Because I had been there, walked there, hurt there but now, I am free.  Free to soar . Free to run and not get weary. I just wanted to celebrate the moment. That moment of Joy.  That joy that comes in the morning from the long night.

 Before my friend Donna was to speak at the conference on Saturday, we took a moment and prayed together.  At first I was thinking how many times she had asked me to come, and now I could finally be here, as a friend with no worries, nothing hanging in the back of my mind, just a friend able to pray and be a support to someone else.  What a joy that brought to my heart. Just to be!

Donna and I have been prayer partners for a little more than a year now and God has done some amazing things but we both live in different states so this was the first time we were able to pray together, in one place. Just the two of  us. I could finally pray for her and it not at all be about me. I stood backstage and was prepared to call a host of angels down for my friend. But before we started she  looked me right in the eye and asked me "how are you doing?" and without hesitation, I said "Great!". Then, I started to cry…crying because of the joy that overflowed.  Crying because I could be there with my friend and crying because, well, because God is so good. But that moment was not about me.  It was for Donna and you know what? It made it even more special. That I did not have to be in the moment of tragedy but I could be in the moment of hope, joy, support, and life. God breathed life.

As Moms we all take joy in our children.  We can't help it. They are amazing. We all take joy in the love of our husbands. But, for me, that joy has so much depth that it just overflows. I can’t even talk about it without tears.  Because for me, I was not sure if any of these days would ever be here. I have spent the last two years looking God right in the eye and saying "where ever you have me walk, I will walk, I am not sure I am going to like all your answers but I promise to keep walking". I kept to that scripture that says "do not turn to the right or the left" and Proverbs 3:4-5 "in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path".  I have clung to them, I have screamed at them, I have begged God to release me and my family from this path and can we at least start a new one. But I can now, for the first time look back.  Though that path was full of rough terrain, I would never want to walk another one.  This path seemed to be the perfect one for my family and I. Rough terrain and all. We are healing but in such a better place.  Our hearts are different. We look at life differently. We look at people differently. We have more compassion. We have more grace.  We have more love to give because we have  been filled with so much.  We laugh more, we walk a bit slower in some ways so we can see life.  Feel life. We are running without weariness and we are soaring with the Eagles. Spiritually.

I know, you are thinking it must be a great place to be, it is. Are there still mountains in our life. Oh yes. I lost my job a few weeks ago.  We have a mountain of bills that I just look at and then look up. We have to prepare Olivia to finally be a teenager and get back into her social life which will not be an easy task.  She has been sheltered and grown up in an adult world.  You see, we still have issues but when I see who God is, how He has brought me through each and every valley, each and every heartache, each and every stumble….well, those are not problems. As my dear Donna would say, they are inconveniences.  God will work those out, I just walk through the doors that I see Him open and continue to be obedient and it will all work out. 

There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to sleep at night with just the bill problems. I would hold on to that issue until it was a not just a problem but a mountain in my heart.  I have been so amazed at the view point I have today. I am not ignoring them. I am walking through and doing what I can but the burden is gone.  Just being truthful and giving God my best. I still am amazed at the lack of stress it causes me now.  Because I have way too much joy to see it any other way than God has it under control.

So, today I am blogging about the joy. Real, freeing, beautiful joy. It creates a new heart in me for sure. Maybe it will be contagious, like my friend Barbara is to me, and you will find yourself with a song in your heart today.

Bless you and keep you today.

In His Grip

Barb

 (Just a side note, Donna was phenomenal. She is an amazing speaker and such a strong message for today. So if you want to check out what God has and is doing in this Extraordinary Woman's life go to www.donnavanliere.com .)

The Pure In Heart

The Pure In Heart

"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God".  I have read that scripture many, many times as I am sure you have as well. I have heard it preached more times than I can remember.  My picture of what that verse meant and what it means to me today is two completely different places.

Before, I think I saw that verse as an individual. You know, that person that is contrite and humble.  They are soft spoken and when they speak all listen. Some of those things that I will never be able to do. One of them is being quiet. For some reason being quiet is not my strong suit.  But that is how I viewed that verse.

 I love word of God. You can read it over and over and over.  The words seem to be ever living, ever breathing, always a word of life to my soul. I can read a book and never pick it up again because I know what happens, I know the plot and the outcome.  But the Bible, I know the stories, I know a lot of the outcomes but it is like water to a thirsty soul. I want to read it again and again. Each time I turn the pages and  breath in I see a whole new depth to the words that have been written. My perspective changes, my heart changes and I have new strength to carry me.

A couple of mornings ago is when I saw this verse again. I had opened an old journal of  mine. I do that sometimes to remind myself of the things God has done for me and how He has answered His promises to me.  The very first page is worn and the binding is quite broken on the journal. I start reading through those pages of years ago and I see a picture of myself. I hear myself talking through the prayers and outpouring of my heart to God.  As I read I can even overlay the changes that have come about in my heart since that time.

On one of the pages I had written "God you keep speaking to me about your outpouring of love but all I see is that I am on this earth to suffer.  I am trying to see you in all that is happening but the suffering is so hard to walk through" I wrote this, not in the last two years but in 2005.  Before so much else was going to happen.

 Why is that so important?  Because you know how I started out with "for the pure in heart will see God".  I finally got it this morning.  Suffering is a part of the world but it is also a purification process. I say all the time that trials are like pressure to put your heart in a fired up crucible and allowing the dross to come up so you can clean out the "junk" that resides there.  Crucibles are used to heat gold and silver and such.  The heat purifies the mineral so that only the pure form remains. The trash and other items that have melded together with the mineral are taken out as dross as it gets hotter and hotter. They float to the top and is cleared off.  This process happens over and over until only the pure mineral remains.

Sometimes we don't see the "junk" in our heart. Sometimes our friends or family don't see the "junk".  But God sees the junk and wants to get rid of it in our lives.  For me, it has been so many trials I can't list them all.  Olivia's issues being a major part. But as I read that verse today I see those trials not as suffering anymore.  I see them as a place to conquer. Because that purification process allows me to get a glimpse of God. Each trial fires up that crucible. I decide if I am going to see the "junk" and clean it out. But if I face myself and look into that crucible the Holy Spirit will help me clean it out. When I get it cleaned out I can see a glimpse of God and what He is doing in my life.  If only just a glimpse. Then instead of "suffering" I can praise Him. Because He does know my heart and He knows what I need and His purposes are higher than mine. I can see those things that truly are more important than my pity party.  I only have to listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to help me become pure in heart.  What a revelation.  That verse is not set aside just for someone else.  That verse is not unattainable.  That verse is just about something we do as naturally as breathing.  We put our life in God's Hands and we get to know Him. In knowing Him it happens to be a natural process of love.

 I am not totally "pure in my heart" but I am working each and every day to get there because just that small glimpse of Him is worth whatever I have to face in myself to get there.

Through the looking glass of parenting

I think the best way to view ourselves and God is through parenting. Olivia gives me a look into myself and in her world that no other can give to a Mom but God. That simplistic thought and perception of life through such innocence and love is incredible.

I remember when she was a baby and she was wanting to walk. Her determination was evident in her eyes. You could sit and look at her face as her eyes traveled around the room mapping out her journey by the placement of furniture so she could pull herself up and walk to the next place. The only place she could not go on her feet was the kitchen. But then, that little brilliant mind figured out she could push her walker in the kitchen and be right up under my feet. I would turn around and trip over her more times than not. But even at the small age I could see those big eyes and so much was being said behind them. That brain was just working in overdrive. That was determination.

So it should not be a shock to me that she is so determined. That she "wills" her body to conform to what her mind wants to do. It has become a joke between the friends that really know Olivia. Because if you just look at her casually and watch her playing with other kids (even though now as a teenager I guess that might be the wrong word) you would have no idea how tired and worn out she is. She is doing her best to keep up. Then, as soon as we get into the car…she falls over in a heap and is begging to get home. I have never seen anyone with as much strong will power as this girl has.

Reflecting on the that strong determination, I see in her a perception of life that is different. I am reminded of something I had seen before and learned a long time ago but really now see more clearly than ever. The total beauty and sacrifice of the cross.

We all know that God sent His son to save us. We all know that Jesus took upon himself the sin of the world. We also know that he died and rose again. During his walk on this earth He never sinned. He couldn't sin. If He sinned He could not pay that price for us. He was fully man and fully God. So what was it that He accomplished for us besides forgiveness with the Father?

When I see the cross now, I think I get it. I think I see what happened when man fell…what happened when Christ came and died and rose again. You all may know this, I am sure you do but for me it was an epiphany of sorts. What Jesus did was die to his flesh so that His spirit was the "will". When the bible says he took the Keys to the Kingdom back for us. That was the key…the key to live our life above our earthly pleasures, desires, wants and our sin. That we could have the ability, with the Holy Spirit, to actually be so determined that we could will our spirit to help us walk through this world and not our flesh.

I have heard this before. I have taught it before. Even at our Women's retreat earlier this year we touched on it. But, it is one thing to "know" something and another to "see" it before you.

This January we went to see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Fox Theatre. What a beautiful opportunity. But Olivia was so very ill. We didn't even realize how ill she was. She was so determined to go. When we made it downtown she could barely walk. I kept thinking we should turn back. Go home. But she pushed on. I thought the walk just through the lobby of the theatre was going to do us both in. She was shaking, she was hurting, she was so weak. But, again we pressed on. Through all of it, not once did she say " I need to go home", not once did she complain, she just pressed on.

We found our seats and she curled up in it as much as she could and waited for the show to begin. She took joy in looking at the scenery, the costumes, the singing and the fun of it all and not once did she complain until we were ready to go. All she asked is if Dad could bring the car up to the sidewalk. As parents we really did not want her to miss something she so dearly loves but we also want to protect her. We rely on Olivia to tell us where to draw the line.

We made it home and she collapsed. On Monday I got the call to bring her in immediately that she was in acute kidney (yes, not liver) failure. All I could think of was how sick she was and we didn't know.

For Olivia, her spirit transcended her flesh and she was able to do something she loved. The same with Jesus. He pressed in to the Father's will and not once did he complain. He pressed on because of something He loved dearly, us. Not only did He press on but He left us the Holy Spirit to be able to press in to the Father and listen to His will for our lives and live above our flesh. What a gift is that!