I know this is long, so sorry, but hopefully it will minister to you.
Fall is in the air. That brisk crisp morning air that will
heat up to the mild 70’s here. The trees are are bright with changing colors,
leaves falling, pumpkin patches, corn mazes and Fall Festivals, a season to
celebrate. I am blessed to be here to enjoy the holidays that are coming. In
fact, it’s a pure miracle that I am here. God spared my life for me to live and
give.
We all have life changing moments. That moment may come with something someone
said to us, a moment that a scripture means something anew, someone we love
struggles or we ourselves face a tragic time that changes our lives.
This summer was such a moment for me. I love summer. I
actually love all the seasons but this summer, well, it has a whole new meaning
for me. Instead of time in the pool, gardening, reading books and celebrating
my daughter’s 18th birthday (which is a miracle of itself), my
summer was spent in a hospital bed fighting for my life, literally. Now after four long months, it’s time to talk
about it.
We all have that moment that is so BIG in your life that you
are not sure that it happened. How could all of that happen, to you? But it
does and it did, so we go deeper in our trust with the Lord and we are tried in
the crucible of fire so that all those “icky” things the Lord wants us to deal
with surfaces to the top and can be cleaned out. Not only do you go through the
fire but those around you do as well.
There are a lot of things I don’t really remember. There are some things that are very vivid,
even today that I remember. All in all I know one thing, it has been a long grueling
four months with more questions than answers and a lot has been churning inside
my head.
Prayerfully, what God has churning inside of me will help
someone else along their journey of confusion, disappointment, being frustrated
with God, or just not having answers when you so desperately want them. When you are walking in the dry, cracked, hot
desert…when you long for that Oasis of help and it doesn’t come…where is your
faith? I don’t have that answer, only you do, but I do have a testimony that
the Lord says we “Overcome by the Word of OUR testimony” so maybe mine will
encourage you.
So, I am going to take this slow, start from the beginning
and work through all that has happened.
The downward spiral started in April, as always in our
finances. Financially we had been doing great. Finally after all those years of
bills and expenses from my daughter’s two transplants, diabetes and Cystic
Fibrosis, we were so close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact, we were working towards my husband’s
desire at starting a church. He had been able to concentrate his efforts to
planting a church and it seemed things were going well. Then one thing led to
another and the dominoes started their decent.
I am going to start the story and finish little by little.
So, hopefully you can get the bigger picture of what God was up too. I know I
still see in a glass darkly all that He has done but prayerfully the story will
unfold like He wants it to.
The first part starts in April. One client moved their
offices to another state, a hit to our finances but we could still survive then
the second call, my main client that I had been working with for ten years was
no longer using consultants, my third client went into bankruptcy and had not
paid my invoices. Wow, you would think that would be hard enough, but it will
explain my hesitation for a Doctor’s appointment. You see, the next couple of
months, I knew I didn't feel right but I knew I was under some serious stress.
I remember always being tired. Now, I guess you have to know
me but tired is not something I like. So, I assumed that the tired was not
enough exercise and I needed to get back to getting healthy.
Off to my project cabinet I went. Painting, gardening,
spring cleaning, anything I could put my hands on to do. My Mom used the old
adage “Idle Hands” and my hands were trying not to be idle. The other thing I
had noticed over the last year was the weight gain. Lots of weight and I was
eating less and less. Of course that had to be hormones? And the swelling in my
legs was awful but of course that had to be extra salt I was eating or
something because it came and went.
HUGE SIDE NOTE: Ladies,
if you are reading this and have weird, constant symptoms that are not usual to you, GO TO THE DOCTOR. Don’t hesitate, just go. It may be nothing, but we make
a lot of things nothing trying to take care of so much.
By May I had agreed to teach Vacation Bible School, which I
love, but just couldn’t seem to really exert the effort to get all my teaching
together. We do VBS Big out our church and I love every minute. My favorite
part is decision time . Seeing those little ones start to understand
Jesus, the Bible and God. So precious.This year I will miss all of it. I will miss a lot of things but God's Hand will be in the midst of it all.
Because I was so weak, I asked a friend to help me decorate
the Saturday before. We met at the church, along with husband and started the
process but I just couldn't do it. I felt
too ill, I laid down on the chairs until my husband said we were going home. When we got home I fell into to bed along with
my daughter, who seemed to be sick as well. I thought we might have the same
thing but the next day neither one of us was any better and Dean decided to
take Olivia to the hospital (her sickness can be very dangerous) and left me at
home. The events that unfold here are crazy.
Olivia was admitted
and was very ill. Dean was driving back to house during the day to bring me food
and make sure I was okay and staying the evening and night with Olivia. He did
that for five days. The last day I remember was Thursday. I asked him to bring
me some watermelon, I was so thirsty. When he brought to me, I remember it
tasted so good and that is the last thing I remember. A day later, Dean has
taken me to the Emergency Room and been told I probably would not make it through the
night.
I am going to leave you here for a moment because the story
is long….but I don’t want to miss anything God has to say….so hold on friends,
if you are reading, I will post again soon.
In His Grip Always
Barb
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