Monday, January 25, 2010

How many "I"'s are There?

This week I have been tooling around with the idea of "I".  Is that the smallest word ever?  But, it has big conotations.  Such a small word that can hold a lot of weight.  This word can send someone to the brink of frustration ( I can't do it), can continue to fuel an empy hole ( I will never get it), display lack of wisdom ( I will never understand this) to the other extreme of I am the best, I know it all, I have all the answers, and I can do it better than anyone.  Wow, balancing "I" can have you on a rollercoaster ride.  But sometimes we stay at one end of the spectrum or the other. 

Why is "I" becoming my thought for this week? Glad you asked....because I have this awful frustration with myself. I have a hard time with anything being about me. Truth be told, the reason I started blogging was to keep people informed about Olivia so I would not have to make so many phone calls.. As I was writing  people seemed to want to "hear" more. I could not comprehend that because "I can't write", "I am not a writer:" and my understanding of the proper writing skills are sadly insufficient to really get across my thought. If you are a true writer even these sentences are making you roll in the floor at this moment.  I know it, I am comfortable with  it and I am the first to admit it. But, for some strange weird humor that God has....writing seems to be what He wants me to do. 

Since I am not a writer, I decided to join a writing group.  These girls are extremely talented and they can tear apart a page (in love of course) faster than you can breathe. They are gut honest and are perfectionist in their own writing and want yours to be as strong as possible.  I think I have been a member of the group for about 8 months and unwilling to jump off the edge and give them anything of my writing. I pray that they never come to my blog but I know some of them do at times.

For the first time turned in a paper for their review. Not a chapter, not even a full page, just a few paragraphs...with lots of excuses and scared to death.  The first thing they asked me about is why I did not use the word "I".  Why I used the word "you".  They explained that "you" can tend to sound preachy. My intention was to never be preachy. That scared me to death. They said that people wanted to hear about me and with all my heart I did not understand that at first either. They finished with the statement that people wanted to hear what I had to say....and that I took it to a second person and away from me. 

They were right.  Because me scares me.  Because I want things to be about what God is doing and not what I am accomplishing.  I want it to be about the journey, the walk, the life we live as Christ Followers and to me that has nothing to do with me. I would not be where I am except the grace of God.

But, as I pondered and went to read some of the things I have written I realized they were right.  Oh my goodness, they were right. We all have the best intentions. We all are trying to take the life we are living and share it with someone that might give them hope, encouragement, freedom or love so they can see the Father. The Bible even says that our testimony (not that second person or third person writing) will help them overcome... overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. That has always been my intention.  I want my walk to  bless someone that they might gain a glimpse of the heart of the Father. They can get out of that bad relationship, they can walk the next step because God is big enough, they can find the balm of healing in my Dad's hand, they can know a love so abounding, so big that even today as they are cleaning the house that God is there and singing along.

But that word "I" is my stumbling block. I knew it from the moment they said it. And before you get all "she is so Godly"  on me, we all have both spectrums going on and when I am confident about something...I have to hold "I" in check.  Because, when I know I can do something I am like a bull in a china shop, especially if I know I am right.  Poor Dean, he has had to hold me in check a lot of times. Now that I am older I prefer him(Dean) over not listening and praying something through and God bringing it out in a way that just humiliates me. I hate that but when you are hard-headed, sometimes he can't help himself. He has to get through to me some way because my heart is always about Him and He loves me that much.

So my challenge to myself, write from my viewpoint. It's okay to write about my stories, my thoughts, my hurts and even my accomplishments. God made me exactly the way I am, walked me through all those good and bad decisions I have made in my life, and if  I let Him, He will take every one of them and use them to do exactly what I want.  To help encourage, love on, grow with, give a hand of sprirtual freedom to another woman that needs Him just as much as I do.

So that is my journey this week.  I wanted to end with something different but I would have to jump right back into the "you" thing that I am trying to avoid. LOL

Be blessed this week and I hope you evaluate the "I" in your life and tell your "I" story to someone who need its.

In His Grip Always,
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