Saturday, October 24, 2009

God is the God of Me

I never realized how much pressure a blog can be! I have sat down at this desk five times to write and then it just seemed to fall flat.I would look at the screen and just stare. I have a lot on my mind lately and trying to formulate one sentence to describe all that is going on seems like trying to grab a tornado by the tail. The strength to hold on seems to be overwhelming. Some days, just putting on "real" clothes to go outside the house can be a chore. But, I get up, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.  Because somewhere in the back of my mind I keep telling myself this is just a moment in time...things will get better and I will make it through the muck and the mire.

I can't fathom in my natural mind why God is allowing all of this to continue on. The stress of always wondering how we are going to survive this month with Dean still unemployed. Why Olivia has to be so sick all the time? Why I have to give up so much, sacrafice so much, be so strong, the rock...when really I want to fall in a puddle and have someoen else do the job. Why I had to lose my Mom to cancer when I really needed her the most.

But what I really did not realize was that not talking about it with Him could actually allow resentment . pain and hurt to build up. 

Have you ever felt that overwhelmed with life that you are not sure where to even start? You are strong because you have to be. You hold it in because you are really not sure if anyone could understand and help you walk it out. Someone comes up and asks you "How are you doing?", and you look at them with a huge answer but then you glance again and realize, really they are just saying hello. They really don't want to know "HOW"  you are doing, they just want to feel good that they asked. And when you look into their eyes you think, "Do I really know how to answer that question?".  So of course the answer is "great, things are are you and your kids?  and you walk away wondering if you really connected or if you will really connect with someone. Because as women, we need that.  We need to connect, to talk, to listen, to know that you may not have the answers but you have a friend to walk you through what God would want to say to you. Because sometimes, you can't do it alone.  Or maybe you have a dozen friends but the hard things, the deep things in your heart, you feel you can't share with them. They wouldn't understand. They couldn't understand. I know I walk in that place often. It just seems that my life is not just overwhelming for me but also for others. You start talking and you are waiting on them to pass out from the trauma of just listening. You just want someone to know and understand. My life can be overwhelming but so can yours.

Now that you have reflected in your own life and I have brought you way down. You are thinking, I might not say anything but I have been there. Let me tell you how cool God can be to help us start walking back up the moutain. Since I took a horrible roll down it.

God says that no one can know a man's heart but Him. That is so true. We don't even know our own heart. Several weeks ago I think my little family, all of us, were just so overwhelmed with life that we did not know where we were at emotionally, spiritually and even physically. I knew God was trying to get to the heart of the matter. I felt it all the time. He was whispering in my ear that I needed to go a little deeper. He even placed people in my life so that I could hear some truth to my already wharped perception. In obediance and nothing else, I went to a women's bible study. At first, I fought it, but then God had the leader call me to remind me and check to see if I was coming. Well, I had run out of excuses so off I went to an incredible Women's Bible study over the summer and it started the process of softening my heart. Every week, we would talk about things that were really hard, really deep and completely God. I had not been in such a God led group in so long that every week I would come home and vow not to talk the next week. It seemed God was welling so much up inside of me. Not what I had expected. I wasn't talking that much about me but I was sharing things that God had walked me through. WOW. In my few short years on this earth I have walked through so much and I was able to share, hopefully, the care, the kindness, the warmth, the majesty of God that was not only my God but my provider and my Dad. That allowed me to start listening. Hearing God again, for me. In a very real way. Because I was able to change my perspective. Remembering the things God has  done, not what work was still to be done. The trust was coming back, the healing was beginning and I felt I was really walking where God would have me. Wanting to help people. I have such compassion for people that it overwhelms me at times. Gets me in to trouble at times. And that led to this blog.

Then, I went to a Women's Conference that really opened my eyes. Though I knew most of the stories, the testimonies, God was talking to my heart in so many ways. Not with what was being said, but because God was wanting to talk...and loudly. Olivia had been exhibiting some very harsh, emotional attitudes lately that seemed to be from out of no where. She seemed to be so angry. I wanted her to go with me because I felt like God wanted to help us all through it. There did not seem to be a way for that to happen but then God worked it out. I am so thankful He did. It became a pivotal point in our lives that weekend. God started talking, things started changing, and He provided friends that had a fresh, true revelation about our lives.I did not really realize how oppressed we had become as a family. I did not realize the pain, the hurt and the struggle had pulled us into the trap of oppression.

My biggest insight to life has always been perspective. You know the old addage "Is the glass half full or half empty?" . I always want my glass to be half full. That there are so many things that could be wrong, that I am fortunate to be where I am. And that is true. But sometimes, life rolls right over  you. Not just  a little bit, but like those big machines you see paving the road with the huge wheel on the front that flattens.  And that is you...flattened like a puddle on the groud. Well, to visualize that cartoon character that stands up and is flat as a pancake might be how we feel. But feelings are not always truth. But their impact can make us follow a false truth. The truth is that God does not give us more than we can handle. That He is interested in us and wants the best for us.

So, at the conference I flew to the moutain top. I did not just run. I soared like an eagle. I wanted to be as close to his face as possible. I wanted to cry and tell Him, no more. I wanted to sit in His lap and ask if He knew what was going on?  I wanted to sit at his feet with that perfume bottle and feel the essence of the scent to surround me and Him and know that I am willing. Lord, send me, I will go. When you can't find one, I will be the one. I have always been that way with God. So passionate. So ready to go where ever He leads. And on the moutain top, I can do anything. Survive anything. Handle anything. When I came home, I was tested. I was tried and I was given a lot to work through. Circumstances had not miraculous changed while we were gone. But we were. 

Now, we are walking a little taller, a little stronger and a lot more real. I am trying to hear, listen and know that God is the "lifter of my head", "my ever present help in my time of need" and " my loving Father that holds everything in His hands.". 

God is the God of me and I realized that my story may help you walk a little taller and a little stronger in the Lord. So, today we are talking about perspective. We have to remember the things God has done when we feel life is rolling over us. Because those things are the alters, the places that He proves himself, the places that He shows us how much He really loves us....and the place we hold on to when we can't see the Trace of His Hand. 

So, if God is talking to you today, hang on, because He has told me to get real....and tell my story because my story is all about Him and there are so many people right now that need to know Him. Know that I am not the rock, He is. That I am not that strong but He is strong in me.

In His Grip always,
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