While I have been sitting here on my back
porch the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to decide what to do with In
His Grip. Over the last several years it
has been a great outlet for me to express the things I have been learning from
the Lord while walking through this huge valley of Olivia’s second
transplant. But now, it seems life is
turning to a new and wonderful place in life and what would I do with this
place. In His Grip is very close to my
heart.
Well, the Lord reminded me that I have been
writing Bible Studies these last few months.
I would just get inspired by a character or an event I was reading about
and start writing them. So, if you will
indulge me, I think I am going to put parts of them here. The great thing is that I have written a
lot. The bad thing, well, they can
exceed that 500 word limit that lose people’s attention. But, I guess if God is a part of it and you
are gleaning something from it you will read on. So, let me know what you think. I am going to be able to do it at least once
a week and if you like it I actually have enough to go twice a week. Drop me a comment if it you want to journey
with me. I just like to affirm that I am
hearing correctly from the Lord.
Forgiving
ourselves is the hardest thing we ever have to do!
What does it feel like when you feel love
for the first time? That moment when you
finally know that someone loves you beyond the moment, the imperfections, how
you see yourself, and they love you with all your mistakes. They even love you enough to help you forgive
yourself for not making all the right choices. What a day that is. The most beautiful part is God loves you even
more than that. Even the best of love
here on earth carries only a tenth of the love of God.
Forgiving is a huge step towards receiving
love. There are times in our lives when having that ability is so hard. We have to really work at it. There is our past, our past hurts, our past
mistakes that are huge hurdles for allowing someone that close into our
heart. Sometimes, forgiving ourselves seems to be the
cornerstone of not receiving love. Our
expectations and our mistakes are the keys that stand in the way of truly
receiving love. When you finally release all that unforgiveness the overflow
that you feel is a sense of cleansing.
That old things have past and new things are possible. Love can feel
like freedom, the freedom to be ourselves, the freedom to live unhindered by
our past mistakes. Love can feel like forgiveness and overwhelming amounts of
grace.
Forgiving yourself just might be the
culprit standing in the way of receiving. It can be one huge piece of baggage.
As I sit here on my porch reflecting on all
my years of struggle I am so happy where I am today. The heart that God has
formed in me overflows with compassion and grace. But that took some mighty work and heavy lifting
on my part and God’s. I had a huge pile
of luggage that I liked to drag around with me.
A lot of it had been around so long it was battered, dented and the
rollers had fallen off so I had to truly drag it with me.
The key, which does not come with the
instructions to our baggage, is to let Jesus in all the way. We have been so
proud of our luggage that we have yet to allow Him in our hearts (or luggage) for
fear of what He might see. We are sure
if He saw it, He really wouldn't love us as much. Our feelings of guilt and
worth start playing with our mind and we cannot seem to let it go. The reality
is, He already knows what’s in it. If we never open it for him it doesn't
matter. Remember love sees all and loves us anyway. In the end, the tighter we hang on we may
never realize the forgiveness we have been extended and the love that He has
for us. We may never really allow that forgiveness to free us.
In time, we put that baggage away with all
the "stuff" in it. It becomes
like the linen closet. You know no one
will ever see it so you just keep piling blankets in there, stuffing them in
until you are afraid of what might happen when you open the door. But, as long as you just keep walking by it,
everything is safely inside. Hidden from view and really just a little tug in
the back of your mind that one day you are going to get in there and deal with
that closet. It might be cluttered and
you might be scared to open the door.
But all is safe. There sits that luggage of unforgiveness in our
hearts. Nicely tucked away in a
"safe" place that at times you don't even remember it's there. We
have taken painstaking efforts to hide it.
We all have seen this reflected in so many
different areas of our life. It could have been in our past. It could be
something unintentional, or it could be feeling like we failed someone or even
failed our own expectations for ourselves. Guilt and unforgiveness is a
powerful tool that is used to keep us bound and a huge chasm that gives way to
not truly receiving all the love of a Holy precious Father. Dare I say it even
builds a wall around being able to receive love from a wonderful spouse, unconditional
love of a parent and even children? It
also hinders our ability to give love freely. If we don't know how to fully
receive love then we don't always understand the full extent of giving free,
unconditional love to someone else.
Receiving love allows us to understand our
own imperfections. It allows us to give
grace, forgiveness, a helping hand and wise advice to help one another. I may not have walked your path and I need
that advice. You may not have walked
mine yet and could use an encouraging word.
Words that heal, give hope, and send love.
At times, we have allowed some love into
our heart. We have accepted Jesus as our
Savior, we have dear friends, we love our spouse and children but only you know
if the wall is up and surrounds you to keep them all at a bit of distance. Just in case they may want to walk in and
really know your heart. We only allow their love to go so deep in our hearts
because we have still not allowed God in to wash away all that unforgiveness.
One of the most heart wrenching stories I
have ever heard was in my own home. My
dear sweet husband came from another faith that believed that sin was the root
of not receiving blessings. They were more in the "name it and claim it”
idea of God and felt that if you did not receive what you claimed then you were
in sin. In time as he grew spiritually, he decided that the denomination he was
ordained through might not be the way God would have him lead. So, in time, he changed to another
denomination and another, deeper step with God.
It was after this change in his life that we met.
We were married and then after four years
we had Olivia. But, when she was three years old things
started going horribly wrong for her. At
first she seemed to stay sick. We had
been through test after test being told she had a brain tumor to she only had a
virus. Then the day came when we were told
she was in total organ failure. Finally
they revived her other organs but her liver.
Through all this time, both Dean and I struggled with what God would
have us do. How were we to take care of
this precious gift?
But lurking in the back of my husband's
mind this whole time, without one word to me, was what "sin" have I
committed that God would bring his wrath on Olivia. The pot kept getting stirred more and more as
we walked through each day of more tests, a liver transplant, a horrible
attempt to save the transplanted liver and on the story goes. All through this time, my husband was
silently suffering. His guilt was
overwhelming at times. His ability to
forgive himself was beyond words. Finally, one day he re-read the scripture
about the boy that was blind. The
disciples asked Jesus, "Who sinned?
The mother or the Father that this boy is blind?" Jesus answered and said "neither, his
infliction was so the Glory of God could be shown"…..that was the first
time Dean finally opened up to me and asked for forgiveness. He had been angry at himself, at his friends
that had told him it was about him and at God a bit because he did not know what
to do. But for me, my heart just broke
to think that he had been tormented so long. Finally we were able to work
through all of that and he is free from that unforgiveness and guilt but the
years of torment were just agony for him.
Today we know that God has ordained our
steps. We would not trade one day of
these last eleven years for a different life.
We have celebrated more miracles at God's hand than I can even count. The
freedom of love and forgiveness is just one example of a miracle we can celebrate.
Believe me, we have had many.
Today is a great time to open up that
luggage. Just a little if that is all
you can do. Are there area's the Holy
Spirit is talking to you about right now?
Is there anything you need to pull out of that luggage and get rid
of? Is there someone you need to talk to
and ask for forgiveness? Or do you just
need to have a talk with God and yourself and forgive yourself?
