Faith and Trust are not the same

I have been going over this for several weeks. I am outlining my book into several sections Faith, Trust, Obedience and Hope. But, to be able to truly convey that thought and allow someone to see it through my eyes is very difficult. So, as in everything in life, if you ask…you will receive. I asked God to help me with this and He just wanted to bless me with some new experiences to help ingrain the thought process. I know that I want to learn things the easy way but I don't believe that has ever happened for me. It has always been some through the fire test that really pierced my heart. So, just yesterday I had one of those moments.


Once again, we are all in the kitchen. I am getting dinner ready before I rush out the door to my American Heritage Girl meeting. My goal is to have dinner on the table as I fly out so Dean, Miranda and Olivia are all set. (Oh, If you did not know Miranda is living with us while she gets her feet grounded after college and it has been a huge blessing. She is our adopted daughter so to speak). Miranda and I are talking because she received a gift for college graduation that will help her pay some bills she was trying to figure out how to pay. What a huge blessing. Our family goes through this each and every day. We have some financial crisis, don't we all, and out of nowhere a check we had been waiting on and given up on finally shows up, God has told someone to bless us unexpectedly, or that contract job finally comes through. It has become almost second nature. So, as Miranda and I are talking about how cool God is and how He comes through each and every time I hear this angry voice burst through this happy celebration and say " well, He never comes through for me. I have been asking to get better or even just go to the hospital and it seems He has not heard me yet!". Look in my kitchen, see all the characters, and guess who said that. My precious daughter that is struggling so hard, Olivia. And here was the worst part, I could not answer her. I wanted to tell her that God has it all under control. That though we see darkly right now, the answer will come. This Mom, full of Faith just a second ago, was lost and without words to help my girl cope with being so very sick.



Because I have learned that Faith and Trust are two different things. Trying to explain this to a 13 year old was lost on me. Olivia knows God can do anything and everything. She has Faith that God can heal, He can move mountains, He can calm the Seas…but, her trust in Him to do these things for her in her darkest hours are lost. She feels that everyone else is so much more important to Him than her because she hurts and struggles so very much. I wanted to say so many things that as a Mom, an adult, and a Christ Follower I knew were true but words were lost because I knew she would see them as just that, words. So, I get on my knee's at night and just cover her heart with all my love and know the Father see's her and hears her heart and He will answer. I know Him, I have Faith in Him and I trust Him with the most precious thing I have, Olivia.

I do not have that solid answer for Liv. I cannot tell her that this day she will be healed. I cannot tell her how to talk with God. I can tell her that we can yell at Him, God can handle it. We can be upset, angry, frustrated but it is how we handle those emotions that can change our heart. We can become bitter if we are not just releasing those emotions but allowing them to embed in our heart. But, she knows all that. We have talked about it so many times.

The thing is, trusting in something you cannot see, touch or feel is so very hard. You can know and have Faith that God is who He says He is because of people around you. You can see Him work in other's lives and rejoice with them. But in the end you don't understand what God is doing in your life and feel like there is Heaven and Earth between the two of you. This road of learning to trust Him is not easy. Learning to walk out your Faith even when you can't see the Trace of His Hand is so very hard and for someone to be so young, well, it almost seems impossible.

As her parent, well, I want to run ahead and brush the rocks out of the way, pull my flashlight out and give a little more light into the situation and protect but also impart all I know about God into her at once so she can see that trusting Him can be so easy. But, guess what, every walk is different because each of us is so very different. The things that changed my life won't necessarily be those things that change Olivia. They won't mean the same to her as they do to me. And realizing that, knowing that, is so very hard.

I started out life without God. I was blessed to know the Lord fully at sixteen. My life was such a mess that God was the love and grace that I needed and I never looked back. I ran into His arms and have lived passionately for Him since that time. But Olivia has been raised with knowing God. With walking with Him each and every day. So, for her, God is known so reaching her is just a little bit harder. She tells me all the time how we have God but she really doesn't get it because He never listens to her. She has asked Him in her heart, She seeks Him out. She so very much wants to hear a word from Him. Just something she can hang on. Something just God has given her. And I want Him too. And He may be speaking and she just doesn't hear Him. I am not sure but I do know this. One day He is going to do something huge for her and there , at that place, in that moment, she will never forget, never look back and run with passion towards all the things God has for her.

Are you struggling too?  Just take a second and ask Him to talk to you, I know He will :)

Mom, You just don't get it

We are sitting at the kitchen table going over the same conversation it seems that we have every day now. Olivia's attitude. She is glaring those big brown eyes at me as I am giving her the new lecture that I think might work. She is sitting down on the outside but I know my girl and she is definitely and defiantly standing up on the inside. With every look, every emotion I see across her face, I am just getting madder. I am trying to stay calm on the outside but inside I am a boiling mess. I have so many questions rolling through my head. Why is this so hard? What does she not understand? Why does she think I have no idea? And most of all, is there any possibility that reason will take over her brain instead of emotion.


I know that every parent of a teenager goes through this but I was secretly hoping I would miss it. It has been Olivia and I against the world, so to speak, for the last ten years. We cry together, we laugh together, we are close confidants and really best friends. Yes, I do draw the Mommy line but we are still very close. Of course necessity has created some of that for us. The hospital stays, the health issues, have not allowed Olivia much time with her peers and the "real" world. She walks through so much of her life afraid she does not fit in because she is always starting over with friends. A month seeing a friend at her age may as well be a year. So venting to a friend tends to be out when your friend is the Mom lecturing you.

Coming back to today a realization has fallen on me. Olivia is getting sicker. I had missed it. Not because she is in bed, not because she tells me, but because while I am giving her this lecture I get a deep look into her eyes. She is using every bit of energy she has to participate in life. While she is participating though, she has nothing left to give. I had missed it. She has been less than pleasant lately. Hard to understand her emotions and deal with her. But those things had been everyday life things so it didn't occur to me that life was leaving her eyes. They say that eyes are the window to your soul and I can see why. They say so much without saying a word. At this moment, sitting at the table, finally listening to my daughter. Not in what she is saying but hearing her eyes talk I see for the first time. In that moment I catch Olivia off guard. I say to her "You are thinking that "Mom, it is taking all I have to even sit in here and listen to you. That I am doing the best I can and doing it all for you. I don't want to be in trouble but I have nothing left to give and you are just not getting it!"…" She looks at me with those big brown eyes, stops for a minute as the realization that I had heard her settles in and tears start welling up in her eyes. As I hold, we cry together, we have an understanding that does not need words. That just for a moment the world stops for a minute so we can get off this carousel of life and just hurt together.

Has it fixed everything. No. But, even yesterday when we had a friend over and Olivia was being so edgy and so unlike herself I was able to stop and listen. As a Mom I still have to correct her behavior but I think I can do it more gently. I realize this is not Olivia, this is not being a teenager (yes I know some of it is and I like my denial at times), this is what real pain….real sickness looks like…and what a young girl with a lot of attitude , a lot of fight, and a lot of personality has to go through to make it through this one day. And that day, that realization makes me cry, hurt, scream, beg and ask God to let me have it and not her. I would give anything to take it away from her. But this is her walk. This is her struggle. This is the place that only she and God can go. There are three people walking through this, well four if you count our new family member Miranda, but we all have different walks. We all have different views and perspectives and it takes a mighty God to help us grow together through this.

Thank you for listening...today just seemed like this is what the Lord wanted me to talk about.

Unwritten

It has been one of those crazy weeks. Miranda has come to stay with us for a few weeks and she is a bowl full of energy. It has been great for Olivia because she has not felt well from some horrible cold she picked up somewhere this week and when she seems to be getting better, well, she gets a little worse. This is probably no different than half the households around with all the crazy weather we have been having.  It does make it more challenging around mine though.  It adds breathing treatments, constant supervision on meds and a watchful eye to make sure it does not turn into anything worse. It also means keeping things clean, dis-infected and in order...things which I loath to do.

I like an orderly house, I like that fresh clean smell, but I just hate having to do it. So for me, it is something I have to make myself do. So I break all of it up into chunks and take breaks in between. It is so sad, I would rather work at my job than do the laundry. Actually I think I would rather have my teeth pulled but then I might be exaggerating a tiny bit. Give me the bathroom any day over laundry.

But I digress, back to Miranda. Miranda came to stay with us last year while she was interning over the summer. Though she had her stuff here, her internship and life was a little crazy and really we did not see much of her.  But this time, she has had time to hang with us and it has illuminated my eyes to a few things that I need to work on.  I love having people around that are full of passion and love for the Lord because it gives me a chance to see things through their eyes...and sometimes that is a very good thing.  I do need to stand outside my life and take a hold of what it really looks like and not what I want to see.

One of my favorite songs is "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. No, I don't have her album, I don't know any other song that I am aware of that she sings but this song captured me. It pulled me in with the words

"Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find"

I could see myself sitting at that desk, trying to write, but not by my own hand but what God was trying to speak to my heart. Because writing is where I can express those innermost thoughts I have with the Lord. My dirty window of sin, or looking through glasses darkly....I have to open up my heart to see through either one of those analogies.  Sometimes I like my window dirty. Sometimes I don't want to see or admit they are dirty. If I look away then I won't notice that they need to be cleaned.

I clean my windows twice a year. The amazement is how dirty they are. Looking out of them on a casual basis you don't see all that dirt and grime build up.  But just like those crows in the Windex commercial, once they are cleaned the shine is so much brighter. Once they are cleaned, so much more light comes into the house. I love that feeling of warm beautiful sun. But again, let me just say, I hate the work you have to do to get them cleaned. I even have that nice kind that you can clean both sides inside the house.

So sometimes, I have to sit at my desk and take accessment if I am really letting the light of the Holy Spirit shine through or is it time to get the cleaner out and do some spring cleaning. I will let you in on a secret. If it's time for some spring cleaning, you will find me running away for a few days.  That is not my favorite part of talking with God.  Do I love it when it is over, oh yes, but I hate the process.

Then the song falls right into this chorus...and what a wonderful way to worship!

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else

Wow...wrap your heart around that. To stand before the Lord with no inhibitions, to allow Him to cover me with the Holy Spirit's overflowing water of love. That healing balm that things are just fine between He and I and to feel that all encompassing love, acceptance and freedom to not be right.  To be able to make a mistake and still have a relationship.

There have been many times in my life that I let Him into my heart as much as I thought possible...then I would walk a little further down the road and find that it was really only a small part I allowed God access too.  But when I allowed Him that little bit more, He rushed right in.  And the peace, love, hope and joy of being with Him was and is overwhelming.

So what I am learning this week is to be open and honest with God and people. To live my life in a way that allows people to see the real  me. To not be ashamed if your life is not where you thought it would be. I have someone staying in my house and my life. That person is walking through my life and looking at the pictures. Not the ones on the wall but the ones that are being developed and see inside the walls of security I call my home.They know that the bill collectors are calling, they know if I misstepped in my relationship with Dean, they know if Olivia is coddled or undisciplined.They see it all.  But, if I live my life open, then that allows God to be so much bigger. That allows Him to take the things I get wrong and make it right, the things I get right can have a good impact on someone's life and the walk I have will maybe mean something more than just "Hi, nice to meet you".  Maybe that life can go a little deeper into a walk with God that even I don't understand. 

The ending to the song is this:

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten


The one amazing thing about songs to me is that they capture a moment, a feeling, sometimes my passion about something...but a song that resonates with me captures something in me that pulls me in and makes me think, listen.

Music has an incredible ability to soar past our mind and into our emotion and our heart. It is amazing some of the songs that have inspired a cause, crossed cultural lines and can take us into the throne room of God. But how many of us really pay attention to the words. The lyrics. The actual words that are expressing what the writer is trying to say? I try to listen when someting pricks my heart because that 6 inches from my head to my heart is a very long road that can be really stubborn and a song can put my car in overdrive to make the trip.  Where I want to be!  Where I long to be! Safe in my Dad's arms of love and "only doing what I see the Father do, and Saying what only my Father says" Jesus.

I get that chance everyday to write a new page in my life. The past is written but the future holds so many possiblities, changes, growth and love.  The time we live in now is growing harder and harder for some of our best friends, neighbors, loved ones. The recession, disease, and life is just hard.  But if we do live our life "wide open" God can use just the fact that we do the laundry when we don't want  to, to give love to someone that needs it. We never know what will give someone hope and a future. Only God knows, but if we are willing to reach up and know Him more, that overflow will surely bless someone else.  It isn't always about John 3:16...sometimes it is about Genises through Revelation.  Walking the walk....

In His Grip
Barb

Little Girls

Wide eyed, big smiles and some of the most beautiful dresses twirling around. Laughing, twirling, and squealing with their hair all done and even some tiara's. Then they see their friends  and come to a squealing halt.  All this while they drag their shell shocked Dads (maybe that is a little dramatic) along.  It was our annual Father Daughter dance. All the fun, smiles and excitement a Dad can stand in one night.

It is one thing to be a boy Dad but to be a girl Dad takes them way out of their comfort zone. I remember when Olivia was two, Dean was just talking and he got a little excitement in his voice. Poor Olivia started crying. Dean asked "Why is she crying, I didn't do anything!", my reply, in my gentlest voice "Honey you  raised your voice:" I wish you could have seen the bewilderment on his face. I had to explain that she is a girl. All girl and though she is too little too understand she feels things and a voice raised means something is wrong.  Wow, we have come a long way. A man that has learned to be gentle, that words really do have to be spoken to communicate, and this little tiny girl in his house has him wrapped around her finger.

Oh yes, it is the Father Daughter Dance. Girls from five to fifteen were there all dressed in their best dresses with Dads in tow. My two favorite parts of the night are sitting at the table checking in so I can see all the girls. Dressed in all their finery and Dads that are so proud to be there.  You can see it in their eyes. The way their eyes dance as the girls twirl or take off their coats to show off those beautiful dresses.  The younger Dads that have small little girls are overwhelmed and you can see they are a little bit scared to spend a whole evening with their little one but so mesmerized with them that they are sure they will survive.  The older girls Dads are in the same predicament but they have a young lady.  Their little girl has blossomed into a beautiful more mature young lady and it is shining through because of how proud they are to be there with their Dad.  The look those Dads have is they are blessed that their daughter wants to still spend time with them and yet they know their time is slowly coming to an end to make way for the special man that will eventually have to honor into his family and he is no where near that step. But they will always have these memories that will be cherished for all time.

The second favorite part is when we have the dance instructor. To see all those Dads waltzing with their girls. The happiness on both of their faces and the special love that surrounds both of them. Like he is the best Dad in the world and at least for tonight he is their hero.  I wish the Moms could see that moment.  In that moment Dad is also Moms biggest hero as well.

As a Mom, one thing I love more than anything is how Dean jealously loves Olivia. He wants to make sure she knows what to expect from that special man in her life. He wants her to know how she should be treated when she dates.  What a special moment.

If I reflect back in my life, I never had that. I never had that Dad that was there to teach me what I should expect from Dean. I never had that moment of care that told me I am special, loved, cared about and wanted. I was hurt, used as a pawn and really thrown to fend for myself at a young age.

My Heavenly Father came along and showed me how to see some of those things about myself that was keeping me from being a loving and caring person and knowing what it meant to be loved and cared for. He weaved love throughout so I could stop and take a hard look at my circumstances and see them as half full instead of empty. He took the scars and pain and brought healing salve through forgiveness and people in my life to make me stronger and healthier in my outlook on myself and life.  In my circumstance God was so good to me. He put me in a place that I could find him and his love. The people that I worked with were all christians and at sixteen I met Jesus because they were passionate about God and did not give up on me.  That moment was overwhelming with love...but it was a long, sweet, hard walk to work out all the hurts and pains of my life. The seeds of love that were planted took some time to grow but I am so humbled and blessed that they were there to plant them.

My hunger, thirst and passion for God started at sixteen. I had never felt that over whelming love before and God was so wonderful to pull me from a life of bitterness and selfishness that could have been my life. Instead he showed me grace, forgiveness, hope for the hopeless and a future that would free me from those bondages. I am so thankful for that.

Before, Dean...before Olivia...God had helped me work through so much. What a blessing. What thankfulness. Because it allowed me to be the wife and parent I want to be. I have had the pleasure, the privilege and the partnership with Dean to parent from a Christian perspective. Allowing ourselves to fail, to falter, to not get it all right and to walk through it with God in the middle.  The lessons of life that Olivia learns from us is "seek ye first the kingdom of God" . So when we miss it, or she misses it, we sin, we make the wrong decision, the path will lead us back to the path if we seek Him first. I would love to say we always seek Him first, but really, we don't. I am sure our life would be so much easier if we did. But, all of those things help Olivia to find her way to the heavenly father. I hope and pray it is so much easier for her. Her perception of her self and life is through completely different glasses and really foreign to me. I had to really seek God out. Find Him for myself. There was no one in my immediate life to follow.

Olivia is a first generation Christian. It is amazing to watch. Her perceptions are so different than mine. Because her perception of God is so different from mine. Her thougths of God are simple and real. Mine were complicated and real, LOL. Some things she will always know and understand about God. For me, it took me years to understand that lesson. I had to fight to believe in myself, really love myself, and learn to trust in who I am and who God made me to be.  Olivia is so confident in those things already. That makes me proud. Proud that she will not have to struggle so much with her confidence. When she does it will be with a much  stronger foundation. When she doesn't believe in herself she will know who to call on...and then she will call her Mom and Dad. She will not always trust her decisions but she will learn from them, look to God and have a foundation to know that some of her decisions were right.  She will not look through a glass as dark as mine.

So as I cry and survey the dance floor, I see so many young girls that have so much hope, self confidence and love surrounding them that life may be hard but they have the foundation to be strong and lean into God. I can't help but thank God for all of those Dads that have such influence in those girls life and find it important to be a part of their life as long as they can be. How awesome for those girls. They may not know it now, but later, these are the memories that will be the foundation of their lives. They way they see the Heavenly Father and their earthly Father.

Have a wonderful week
In His Grip
Barb

You Better Bring Some Friends Along--unknown Big Audacious Prayers Answered

"In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path" Proverbs 3:5. This is my life verse. This is the verse that has carried me through so much in my life. Because every step I take it reminds me that this is not about me but about Him.

Acknowledging God is God in all your ways is a very difficult path. As we walk, we do get weary, as we climb the mountain, we do get hurt at times, when we walk in the valley we can tend to fear what we might find. But, when those times come, and l acknowledge He is the one that can direct my path, I get the chance to catch a glimpse of something bigger God is doing out of the corner of my eye. Maybe a word that stood out, a sermon that went a little deeper in my heart, God's Word that jumped out at me on the page….just something that pricked my heart to say "stop and listen". At those times I know he is giving me that special armor that I might stand a little taller , a little stronger, and have just a tad more confidence than I did the day before on who my Father is in my life. That I might not turn to the right or left but keep my eyes focused on Him. Those special moments wrap around you like a blanket and you want to stay safe and secure. We don't want to have to face that trial that we are walking in. And most of the time, that safe secure feeling comes from the friends and family that surround us in our walk with the Lord.

They are walking the journey with us. Crying with us. Laughing with us. Rejoicing with us and if they are true friends, letting us know when we have missed the path completely and need to get back on track. I just want you to know that I cannot walk this path with the Lord to my best ability without opening my heart to people. That is the hardest thing I have to do. I want to appear strong, confident and portray that God has it under control.

 We, as women, can be such "Steel Magnolia's". The first time I heard that phrase I did not get it. But as I get older, and hopefully wiser, I get it so much more. God made women with extraordinary abilities. We are the counselor to all family members, we are the cook, maid and chief finance officer. But we are also the heart of the family. Sometimes that heart is broken, sometimes it is full of joy, sometimes it is afraid. Whatever the heart "is" we get afraid to share it with others. We are busy being so strong. But without sharing, we can never really know that true freedom of giving, sharing and breaking free of the chains that surround us. God gave us each other so that we could not only have friends but that we could have confidants, someone to hold our arms up when we are weary, to share in our joy when God answers a prayer and loves us through all of our imperfections.

Taking a moment to get to know someone a little better, or allowing someone to know you a little better is hard. But not only taking that moment but taking it a step further and extending a hand to another. We are all so busy with husbands, kids, schedules, school, church and family. We barely have time to keep our own lives together let alone investing in another. But sometimes, when you extend a hand with a meal, or a note in the mail, or a moment with a phone call you never know what God will do. A friendship might emerge that you never thought possible. And that moment when your heart is weary, the emotional bank is overdrawn….you might find your self in need and God has already made a provision of help. You had stepped out side of your own life for a moment and that investment came back ten fold.

I learned this very hard lesson when I started down this path with Olivia. The Family of God that came to my rescue even though I kept saying I didn't need anything. But I did. God knew I did. And my family did.

DIdn't I say earlier what a strong, independent, self made woman I am, LOL (oh and God is really laughing). I have been a Vice President of a Company, ran my own successful company and thanked God for the provision along the way. I would be the first to help anyone but the last to ask for help. I could work it all out somehow. I have walked some very dark and lonely places and kept my joy in the Lord, ministered where I could to people but never asked for it for myself.

I have spent the better part of my life relying solely on God and the last ten years realizing for the first time that His people have a strong part to play in His plan
Girls, I have learned the hard way…that is pride. Those things are not bad things but they can be so strong in you that they weave a huge banner of pride that you may never see in your life, until you are lost and alone in your circumstances. Thankfully God knew me and sent people  rushing to my door when I needed them. But not just once, not twice, but consistently over the next ten years. I learned a long time ago not to ask for much from anyone, to be self sufficient, to carry the burden alone because everyone has needs. Even if the weight of the burden was so heavy.Again Pride raised it's ugly head because the real lesson is in the relationship not in the heart ache.  The real joy is in carrying and bearing one another's burden. My heart has been torn in two because God sent people oonstantly over the past ten years depsite what I said. You did what God asked you to do, in spite of me. Even years later, you still call, send a card or note, email, encourage and ask if there is anything you can do. …it has been my amazement to see God do things that I have never seen in my life. And to my Nashville friends, I stand in awe.  Ten  years later and you are still not tired of me yet.  WOW.  That is God.  And that is friendship that I can never understand but thank God for every day. 

I can't help but reflect back to where my life started and all the ground work that was laid in my life to get me to today. I love that God has so transformed my life, that the pain, the sorrow, the heartache is not what is chiseled in my face. But His joy, His rest and His pleasure. When people meet me, if I am quiet, they never know or even think my life has been full of pain, sorrow, bruises, and heart ache, they only see the joy and caring that I want to know about them. Because I do. My life pleasure is not just words on this page or scriptures I know. I truly want to know about you because you are the reason that I make it through a day. When I was younger, Amy Grant came out with a song called My Father's Eyes. I have never been impacted so much by one song. I have clung to that song so many times because I truly want to see people as God has seen them, not with my earthly eyes and hindrances. And because I have clung tightly to letting the Lord direct my paths, I could allow Him to bring people in my life to teach me hard lessons of Pride, wrong humility and the joy of letting go and allowing God to work. Although I have not been perfected in this, I know He has surrounded me with women that are wiser than I am and they see through so much, reach in and love me where I am. Thank you for being God's heart to me. It has transformed my life. And I hope you will allow Him to do the same with you to transform your life.

How many "I"'s are There?

This week I have been tooling around with the idea of "I".  Is that the smallest word ever?  But, it has big conotations.  Such a small word that can hold a lot of weight.  This word can send someone to the brink of frustration ( I can't do it), can continue to fuel an empy hole ( I will never get it), display lack of wisdom ( I will never understand this) to the other extreme of I am the best, I know it all, I have all the answers, and I can do it better than anyone.  Wow, balancing "I" can have you on a rollercoaster ride.  But sometimes we stay at one end of the spectrum or the other. 

Why is "I" becoming my thought for this week? Glad you asked....because I have this awful frustration with myself. I have a hard time with anything being about me. Truth be told, the reason I started blogging was to keep people informed about Olivia so I would not have to make so many phone calls.. As I was writing  people seemed to want to "hear" more. I could not comprehend that because "I can't write", "I am not a writer:" and my understanding of the proper writing skills are sadly insufficient to really get across my thought. If you are a true writer even these sentences are making you roll in the floor at this moment.  I know it, I am comfortable with  it and I am the first to admit it. But, for some strange weird humor that God has....writing seems to be what He wants me to do. 

Since I am not a writer, I decided to join a writing group.  These girls are extremely talented and they can tear apart a page (in love of course) faster than you can breathe. They are gut honest and are perfectionist in their own writing and want yours to be as strong as possible.  I think I have been a member of the group for about 8 months and unwilling to jump off the edge and give them anything of my writing. I pray that they never come to my blog but I know some of them do at times.

For the first time turned in a paper for their review. Not a chapter, not even a full page, just a few paragraphs...with lots of excuses and scared to death.  The first thing they asked me about is why I did not use the word "I".  Why I used the word "you".  They explained that "you" can tend to sound preachy. My intention was to never be preachy. That scared me to death. They said that people wanted to hear about me and with all my heart I did not understand that at first either. They finished with the statement that people wanted to hear what I had to say....and that I took it to a second person and away from me. 

They were right.  Because me scares me.  Because I want things to be about what God is doing and not what I am accomplishing.  I want it to be about the journey, the walk, the life we live as Christ Followers and to me that has nothing to do with me. I would not be where I am except the grace of God.

But, as I pondered and went to read some of the things I have written I realized they were right.  Oh my goodness, they were right. We all have the best intentions. We all are trying to take the life we are living and share it with someone that might give them hope, encouragement, freedom or love so they can see the Father. The Bible even says that our testimony (not that second person or third person writing) will help them overcome... overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. That has always been my intention.  I want my walk to  bless someone that they might gain a glimpse of the heart of the Father. They can get out of that bad relationship, they can walk the next step because God is big enough, they can find the balm of healing in my Dad's hand, they can know a love so abounding, so big that even today as they are cleaning the house that God is there and singing along.

But that word "I" is my stumbling block. I knew it from the moment they said it. And before you get all "she is so Godly"  on me, we all have both spectrums going on and when I am confident about something...I have to hold "I" in check.  Because, when I know I can do something I am like a bull in a china shop, especially if I know I am right.  Poor Dean, he has had to hold me in check a lot of times. Now that I am older I prefer him(Dean) over not listening and praying something through and God bringing it out in a way that just humiliates me. I hate that but when you are hard-headed, sometimes he can't help himself. He has to get through to me some way because my heart is always about Him and He loves me that much.

So my challenge to myself, write from my viewpoint. It's okay to write about my stories, my thoughts, my hurts and even my accomplishments. God made me exactly the way I am, walked me through all those good and bad decisions I have made in my life, and if  I let Him, He will take every one of them and use them to do exactly what I want.  To help encourage, love on, grow with, give a hand of sprirtual freedom to another woman that needs Him just as much as I do.

So that is my journey this week.  I wanted to end with something different but I would have to jump right back into the "you" thing that I am trying to avoid. LOL

Be blessed this week and I hope you evaluate the "I" in your life and tell your "I" story to someone who need its.

In His Grip Always,
Barb

Big Audacious Prayers

Okay, obviously I need to start this off so here goes. I have so many Audacious prayers that have been answered. Some were not even asked for and they were answered before I knew I needed it.  Some have been years of trevailing and finally answered...and honestly some were answered but not the way I thought they would  or hoped they would be answered.  Trusting in the Lord is always easy when we look at God like a Santa Claus and sometimes that can happen. Escpecially when we are just "getting" it. The true trust is developed over time and through relationship. Just like with your spouse, your family, your children that trust in the Lord can only be developed over time and our walk with Him.

Do you remember when  you first realized that God answered prayers. It felt like spring. All the floweres were opening up and the air was clean and crisp.  There are some that actually do call this the Spring of your spiritual walk.  All your prayers seem to be answered from a parking place at the mall to that promotion you needed .  You felt like you were on the mountain and God was the best Daddy ever because you saw Him in everything that your hands touched. 

As the seasons changed and your relationship grew...winter set in.  My husband would call that the time in your life that things are frozen.  The time that  you spend with God one on one. You have to dig deep to find the warmth in just your relationship with Him. This is the time that  you are learning, leaning and trusting in the God who is your creator, your Father,  your Provider and your Friend. This time in your life is quite hard. You have to press in harder, listen closer and become more diligent.  But the benefits...ahh, when spring comes again!  What a refreshment to your spirit.  And the seasons continue.

So sometimes those Audacious Prayers are answered in the hard times and sometimes when you don't even know you need to ask. What you might have asked for in a different place in your life, today  you might ask for something completely different. We grow, we learn, we look into our heart and allow God to change us because our relationship with Him is born out of true love. The prayers we ask for change in our lives as we grow.

So here is one of my celebrations with God of answered Audacious Prayer.  In the easy and hard times.  Because trust is learned in all those times is it not?

I know some will understand this and some will sympathize with this but having a child can be challenging for some.  For me, for some unknown reason, I always believed I would never be able to have a child.  I don't mean after Dean and I started trying, I mean when I was a teen.  There was no reason for that thought,  no Doctor had ever said anything to me as such, I just kept having it.  So when Dean and I started thinking about children...well, the first thing that happened was a mis-carriage. The devil really tried to use that as an affirmation in my heart for what I "thought" I knew.  But I could not reconcile that strong desire that I wanted to have a child. I started really leaning in and trusting God with the answer. I was not sure what the answer would be, in fact, a little afraid of the answer but I couldn't stop trying.  That desire can be so strong. There is no denying it. That desire is so strong at times it can surpass logic. This might be a good thing because what ever the answer God give you...you know it only comes from Hiim. It is a long, long road to walk down.

I can tell you that God answers prayers wonderfully, but not always the way we think. But I do believe that, for whatever the reason, if you are a Mom, trying to be a Mom or just think about being a Mom one day God placed that desire in your heart.  The answer may have been a little different than what you thought it may have been, like my friend Donna, that ended up being an adoptive Mom.  And guys, she is one of the craziest, fun, ever-loving Moms I know but her road was long and hard.  Or another friend that it was a pure miracle that she conceived the first time but did not have any more children or Mel who tried and tried the first time and after that...well, let's just say God healed her :) two kids and going strong. The list could go on and on because this can be our Big, Audacious Prayer right here and really never have another one.  Our kids. Our blessings.  Those that God has entrusted us with for how ever long to love, support and lead them hopefully to a relationship with Him.

And last but not least, me.  Olivia was a very special blessing because they had no idea if anything would work. It had everything to do with me. I have some overactive hormones that suppress the development process of the egg and then allowing the egg to have stability for the first 12 weeks,  But joy of all joys we were blessed with Olivia. That beautiful, full of life, wonderful person that I am honored to know. That teaches me more than sometimes I think I can teach her.

God did answer our prayer.  God did give us our Big, Audacious prayer!  And we celebrate that life almost everyday!!!!

So, that is my first Audacious Prayer answered.  For this year I have a few but the top of the list is really knowimg God more and deeper.  Not to be a cliche or spiritual, it's just that He is my Dad and I have a hard time truly realizing how much He loves me. Just me.  He loves us all the same, I know that, but sometimes I think He has other favorites.  But I know He can handle my thoughts as well on the subject. So this year, I really want to press in and know Him even more. "Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God"  only because then your will will line up with His and you will be walking in His will for your life. Maybe not for you, but for me, that can be a daily challenge.

Love to you all...and I like celebrating what God is doing in our lives and I really do want to know!  So let me know....

In His Grip
Barb