With Joy

With Joy

Monday, April 18, 2011

This weekend was such a joy. I spent Saturday at the Extraordinary Women's conference with some dear friends and then church on Sunday. It was a completely joy filled weekend. What a fresh breath of air for me. I am finally rolling into real life. Life that does not have that horrible dark shadow that is always hanging on.  A life of normalcy and expectation. What a precious gift.

My friend Barbara always seems to have the fresh breath of air around her. I love that. I love her joy, her expectancy of life. It is contagious so I long for the days that we can spend time together so I can breath in her air. At many points in my walk it reminded me of life.

God, this weekend, took a moment and reminded me of my gift of Joy.  That it was back and overflowing. The gift was bigger than I ever thought possible. I realized on Saturday, as I listened to these women of immense strength and faith talk, how truly blessed I am. I heard them speak about where they had walked. I listened to their testimonies intently. I wanted to shout out Amen several times. Because I had been there, walked there, hurt there but now, I am free.  Free to soar . Free to run and not get weary. I just wanted to celebrate the moment. That moment of Joy.  That joy that comes in the morning from the long night.

 Before my friend Donna was to speak at the conference on Saturday, we took a moment and prayed together.  At first I was thinking how many times she had asked me to come, and now I could finally be here, as a friend with no worries, nothing hanging in the back of my mind, just a friend able to pray and be a support to someone else.  What a joy that brought to my heart. Just to be!

Donna and I have been prayer partners for a little more than a year now and God has done some amazing things but we both live in different states so this was the first time we were able to pray together, in one place. Just the two of  us. I could finally pray for her and it not at all be about me. I stood backstage and was prepared to call a host of angels down for my friend. But before we started she  looked me right in the eye and asked me "how are you doing?" and without hesitation, I said "Great!". Then, I started to cry…crying because of the joy that overflowed.  Crying because I could be there with my friend and crying because, well, because God is so good. But that moment was not about me.  It was for Donna and you know what? It made it even more special. That I did not have to be in the moment of tragedy but I could be in the moment of hope, joy, support, and life. God breathed life.

As Moms we all take joy in our children.  We can't help it. They are amazing. We all take joy in the love of our husbands. But, for me, that joy has so much depth that it just overflows. I can’t even talk about it without tears.  Because for me, I was not sure if any of these days would ever be here. I have spent the last two years looking God right in the eye and saying "where ever you have me walk, I will walk, I am not sure I am going to like all your answers but I promise to keep walking". I kept to that scripture that says "do not turn to the right or the left" and Proverbs 3:4-5 "in all thy ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path".  I have clung to them, I have screamed at them, I have begged God to release me and my family from this path and can we at least start a new one. But I can now, for the first time look back.  Though that path was full of rough terrain, I would never want to walk another one.  This path seemed to be the perfect one for my family and I. Rough terrain and all. We are healing but in such a better place.  Our hearts are different. We look at life differently. We look at people differently. We have more compassion. We have more grace.  We have more love to give because we have  been filled with so much.  We laugh more, we walk a bit slower in some ways so we can see life.  Feel life. We are running without weariness and we are soaring with the Eagles. Spiritually.

I know, you are thinking it must be a great place to be, it is. Are there still mountains in our life. Oh yes. I lost my job a few weeks ago.  We have a mountain of bills that I just look at and then look up. We have to prepare Olivia to finally be a teenager and get back into her social life which will not be an easy task.  She has been sheltered and grown up in an adult world.  You see, we still have issues but when I see who God is, how He has brought me through each and every valley, each and every heartache, each and every stumble….well, those are not problems. As my dear Donna would say, they are inconveniences.  God will work those out, I just walk through the doors that I see Him open and continue to be obedient and it will all work out. 

There was a time in my life that I would not have been able to sleep at night with just the bill problems. I would hold on to that issue until it was a not just a problem but a mountain in my heart.  I have been so amazed at the view point I have today. I am not ignoring them. I am walking through and doing what I can but the burden is gone.  Just being truthful and giving God my best. I still am amazed at the lack of stress it causes me now.  Because I have way too much joy to see it any other way than God has it under control.

So, today I am blogging about the joy. Real, freeing, beautiful joy. It creates a new heart in me for sure. Maybe it will be contagious, like my friend Barbara is to me, and you will find yourself with a song in your heart today.

Bless you and keep you today.

In His Grip

Barb

 (Just a side note, Donna was phenomenal. She is an amazing speaker and such a strong message for today. So if you want to check out what God has and is doing in this Extraordinary Woman's life go to www.donnavanliere.com .)

The Pure In Heart

The Pure In Heart

"Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God".  I have read that scripture many, many times as I am sure you have as well. I have heard it preached more times than I can remember.  My picture of what that verse meant and what it means to me today is two completely different places.

Before, I think I saw that verse as an individual. You know, that person that is contrite and humble.  They are soft spoken and when they speak all listen. Some of those things that I will never be able to do. One of them is being quiet. For some reason being quiet is not my strong suit.  But that is how I viewed that verse.

 I love word of God. You can read it over and over and over.  The words seem to be ever living, ever breathing, always a word of life to my soul. I can read a book and never pick it up again because I know what happens, I know the plot and the outcome.  But the Bible, I know the stories, I know a lot of the outcomes but it is like water to a thirsty soul. I want to read it again and again. Each time I turn the pages and  breath in I see a whole new depth to the words that have been written. My perspective changes, my heart changes and I have new strength to carry me.

A couple of mornings ago is when I saw this verse again. I had opened an old journal of  mine. I do that sometimes to remind myself of the things God has done for me and how He has answered His promises to me.  The very first page is worn and the binding is quite broken on the journal. I start reading through those pages of years ago and I see a picture of myself. I hear myself talking through the prayers and outpouring of my heart to God.  As I read I can even overlay the changes that have come about in my heart since that time.

On one of the pages I had written "God you keep speaking to me about your outpouring of love but all I see is that I am on this earth to suffer.  I am trying to see you in all that is happening but the suffering is so hard to walk through" I wrote this, not in the last two years but in 2005.  Before so much else was going to happen.

 Why is that so important?  Because you know how I started out with "for the pure in heart will see God".  I finally got it this morning.  Suffering is a part of the world but it is also a purification process. I say all the time that trials are like pressure to put your heart in a fired up crucible and allowing the dross to come up so you can clean out the "junk" that resides there.  Crucibles are used to heat gold and silver and such.  The heat purifies the mineral so that only the pure form remains. The trash and other items that have melded together with the mineral are taken out as dross as it gets hotter and hotter. They float to the top and is cleared off.  This process happens over and over until only the pure mineral remains.

Sometimes we don't see the "junk" in our heart. Sometimes our friends or family don't see the "junk".  But God sees the junk and wants to get rid of it in our lives.  For me, it has been so many trials I can't list them all.  Olivia's issues being a major part. But as I read that verse today I see those trials not as suffering anymore.  I see them as a place to conquer. Because that purification process allows me to get a glimpse of God. Each trial fires up that crucible. I decide if I am going to see the "junk" and clean it out. But if I face myself and look into that crucible the Holy Spirit will help me clean it out. When I get it cleaned out I can see a glimpse of God and what He is doing in my life.  If only just a glimpse. Then instead of "suffering" I can praise Him. Because He does know my heart and He knows what I need and His purposes are higher than mine. I can see those things that truly are more important than my pity party.  I only have to listen to the Holy Spirit and allow Him to help me become pure in heart.  What a revelation.  That verse is not set aside just for someone else.  That verse is not unattainable.  That verse is just about something we do as naturally as breathing.  We put our life in God's Hands and we get to know Him. In knowing Him it happens to be a natural process of love.

 I am not totally "pure in my heart" but I am working each and every day to get there because just that small glimpse of Him is worth whatever I have to face in myself to get there.

Through the looking glass of parenting

I think the best way to view ourselves and God is through parenting. Olivia gives me a look into myself and in her world that no other can give to a Mom but God. That simplistic thought and perception of life through such innocence and love is incredible.

I remember when she was a baby and she was wanting to walk. Her determination was evident in her eyes. You could sit and look at her face as her eyes traveled around the room mapping out her journey by the placement of furniture so she could pull herself up and walk to the next place. The only place she could not go on her feet was the kitchen. But then, that little brilliant mind figured out she could push her walker in the kitchen and be right up under my feet. I would turn around and trip over her more times than not. But even at the small age I could see those big eyes and so much was being said behind them. That brain was just working in overdrive. That was determination.

So it should not be a shock to me that she is so determined. That she "wills" her body to conform to what her mind wants to do. It has become a joke between the friends that really know Olivia. Because if you just look at her casually and watch her playing with other kids (even though now as a teenager I guess that might be the wrong word) you would have no idea how tired and worn out she is. She is doing her best to keep up. Then, as soon as we get into the car…she falls over in a heap and is begging to get home. I have never seen anyone with as much strong will power as this girl has.

Reflecting on the that strong determination, I see in her a perception of life that is different. I am reminded of something I had seen before and learned a long time ago but really now see more clearly than ever. The total beauty and sacrifice of the cross.

We all know that God sent His son to save us. We all know that Jesus took upon himself the sin of the world. We also know that he died and rose again. During his walk on this earth He never sinned. He couldn't sin. If He sinned He could not pay that price for us. He was fully man and fully God. So what was it that He accomplished for us besides forgiveness with the Father?

When I see the cross now, I think I get it. I think I see what happened when man fell…what happened when Christ came and died and rose again. You all may know this, I am sure you do but for me it was an epiphany of sorts. What Jesus did was die to his flesh so that His spirit was the "will". When the bible says he took the Keys to the Kingdom back for us. That was the key…the key to live our life above our earthly pleasures, desires, wants and our sin. That we could have the ability, with the Holy Spirit, to actually be so determined that we could will our spirit to help us walk through this world and not our flesh.

I have heard this before. I have taught it before. Even at our Women's retreat earlier this year we touched on it. But, it is one thing to "know" something and another to "see" it before you.

This January we went to see "Beauty and the Beast" at the Fox Theatre. What a beautiful opportunity. But Olivia was so very ill. We didn't even realize how ill she was. She was so determined to go. When we made it downtown she could barely walk. I kept thinking we should turn back. Go home. But she pushed on. I thought the walk just through the lobby of the theatre was going to do us both in. She was shaking, she was hurting, she was so weak. But, again we pressed on. Through all of it, not once did she say " I need to go home", not once did she complain, she just pressed on.

We found our seats and she curled up in it as much as she could and waited for the show to begin. She took joy in looking at the scenery, the costumes, the singing and the fun of it all and not once did she complain until we were ready to go. All she asked is if Dad could bring the car up to the sidewalk. As parents we really did not want her to miss something she so dearly loves but we also want to protect her. We rely on Olivia to tell us where to draw the line.

We made it home and she collapsed. On Monday I got the call to bring her in immediately that she was in acute kidney (yes, not liver) failure. All I could think of was how sick she was and we didn't know.

For Olivia, her spirit transcended her flesh and she was able to do something she loved. The same with Jesus. He pressed in to the Father's will and not once did he complain. He pressed on because of something He loved dearly, us. Not only did He press on but He left us the Holy Spirit to be able to press in to the Father and listen to His will for our lives and live above our flesh. What a gift is that!

It's A New Year

When you start every New Year there is something within that automatically starts reflecting on the year before. We evaluate where we are, where we want to be and where we have been. But, when 2011 started my feet had already hit the ground running. I was already battle weary, tired and just so ready for a New Year that thought of reflection passed quickly.


Recently though, maybe a little later than we are supposed to, I had the time sit and reflect, look into the New Year and hope again. All of sudden at the end of the year I felt like I was overwhelmed with good things that were happening in our life. I ended 2010 a very tired girl. It seemed that the storms of life, the battle wounds and the whirlwind of life was getting the best of me. But in the midst of that storm God took a moment and blessed us. In fact the line "my cup runneth over" ran through my mind constantly. Though some circumstances seemed to not get worse, in other places we were overwhelmed with the goodness of God.

The ultimate view of last year would be that God is a mighty God. That His Hand covers all that we are, all that we see and all that is unseen. I see this huge portrait in my mind where God has placed each stroke with loving Hands and knows exactly the beauty that will eventually be seen in the canvas. His creative eye has already begun to put in the radiant colors called my life and is perfecting this picture so that maybe, just maybe, others might see who He is and that I might be just a small part of His perfect plan.

On my level of walking through this canvas of life I see each stroke of the painter's Hand in my life. I see the pain, the exhaustion, the stress and the walk of someone that everyday had to lay it all on the altar and trust that His plan was the right one. This I would call the crucible of fire that takes all the dross, sin, lost focus, and pain and burns it up so that all you see is the beauty of the gold that has risen to the top. From those ashes has become a beautiful testimony that I will never forget or regret. I will look back on those scars of human frailty as building blocks of trust and obedience to a Father in Heaven that loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have many years and miles left to go that I will go back into that crucible but last year , the entire year was lived inside the fire. So much was lost in the fire and what a good thing that was and so much was gained from His love for my family.

I wish I had time to recount all the things that , in the midst of the storm, God provided. He provided arms of encouragement and love when we needed it. He provided every financial need when it needed to be met, He provided hope when there seemed to be only despair, He provided strength through so many long days and nights of no sleep, He provided friends that prayed and prayed and still pray. At times it felt like He was in the room with me, guiding me, giving me wisdom and holding me so I could get to the next day. The closeness of God was alive in my heart and in my life.

So the deep waters of God overflowed into my life and there is nothing like it. At the end of the year the thing that God showed me, almost audibly, is that I have to start taking care of me again. I have to get back into the place of being all that I can be. He did that in two ways. The first was the Women's Retreat at our church. When I walked in all I could think of was dry bones but I was so surprised that the truth was Living Water was just wanting to rush out of me. WOW. How amazing. Where I was thinking I was downtrodden I was actually full of excitement, love and hunger for the things of God.

The other way He did that is with the Deserving Diva Makeover Contest that I won. From so many aspects that has changed my view. I had to take a hard look at where I am at in a different realm, this earthly body. Boy, that was a good hard look that I did not like but just like the pain and heartache it takes for to sometimes clean out our heart I am seeing the same thing Soul and Body. So this year, I am taking that precious gift and multiplying it to my health. So you might hear me crying in my cornflakes that I just can't do it…but then I will get right back up and start again. One thing I learned from the last several years in my life…I have a lot of tenacity, LOL.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Saturday, December 11, 2010

True beauty is all around us especially this time of year. It might be your home. I was in a beautiful home just a day or so ago and mesmerized by the beauty and warmth that was flowing through every room and every touch of décor she had in her home.

It might be in a supermodel. I recently met Cindy Crawford (yes, the Cindy Crawford) and the woman is just a natural beauty. No wonder men can't stop looking at her. She is so strikingly beautiful but also very lovely on the inside. I could see myself hanging out with her at Starbuck's just talking about real life. That is when I got over the "WoW" you look like that and well, I look like this, LOL.

It might be in a moment when an old memory dances across your mind and reminds you of something that brings back that smile. Maybe when you met your husband for the first time or maybe an old family memory.

It might be that new outfit you bought that makes you look and feel like a million bucks. You waited and waited for it to go on sale or you splurged for the first time in years just to get it.

It might even be that lady friend that is your mentor that just shines and oozes Jesus every time you talk with her. She reminds you of the things that are most important in your life and the priorities because she has gone ahead of you and knows the wisdom of a life well lived.

It might be your circle of friends that you laugh, cry and pray together through this road called life. That you hold them up in prayer before the Father with a little extra blessing because of who they are.

For me this Christmas I see all of that beauty but I also see something I have not seen before. The true "Eye of the Beholder" of beauty is the ability to see the handiwork of God through those eyes. The most precious place I see that handiwork of God in Olivia. I guess it has just caught me by surprise. She has been sick for so long that the personality of really who she is and what she thinks has been hidden. Now she is getting a little better everyday and she is talking. We are talking like we used to, or she is talking non-stop it feels like, but the conversations are so different. I am amazed at her heart and how she handles different situations. The love, mercy and grace in her heart is liking watching a rose unfold. Each day it opens a little more and the full beauty of the petals and the smell of the rose rise. After all she has been through, she could have made so many different choices about the person she wants to be. She could have been bitter, angry, frustrated and closed off. She could have been shy, scared, and ashamed because of all the different scars she has endured. But, instead of all those things, she has embraced beauty, mercy, grace and friendship as the character traits she wants to be a part of her life. She has chosen to allow God to heal her inside and out from all the things she has walked through. What a miracle. What a blessing. What a beautiful heart.

So, as Christmas is unfolding for you. See the beauty around you. Take a moment a let God shed some light through his eyes in what is happening with those around you, those in your home, and all the special things we love about Christmas. We celebrate the life of Jesus this time of year and I know his heart and eyes saw the true beauty in each of us.

Merry Christmas and thank you for continuing to journey with me through this life. It is a blessing that touches my heart in so many ways and I feel truly humbled and blessed by it.

Oh, and PS. I am starting my book in 2011…so look for it :)

In His Grip



Barb

The Real Heroes of the Faith

The Real Heroes of the Faith




Be Still and know that I am God ! I have been sitting in my house just listening and enjoying the sounds surrounding the moments. I listen to the quiet, stillness of the morning. I listen to the dog barking her warning as the birds fly by the window. I hear the rain outside as it is coming down and I rejoice. My heart is soaking in the peaceful existence of being still and knowing He is God.

Sometimes when we describe our life it seems to form a picture of a book. From beginning to end is the book and we close chapters as we walk through these adventures of life. This chapter in my book is hopefully and prayerfully done. It is written. Yes, there will new chapters to write but today, after a long ten year battle this weary warrior has been allowed to come home to rest. Rest in the peace and quiet of restoration knowing He is God.

We all have our chapters don't we? The battles that are so intense that we literally have to gird ourselves in the full armor of God to take on the day. To even be able to put our feet on the floor to start the next day from the pain, bruising and continual onslaught of whatever road we are walking down should be written down as a monumental moment. The story, as it unfolds in this chapter of your life, seems to be the part where gloom seems to hover just at a distance. The cloud a constant reminder of the weight of the battle that is raging. We pull every fiber of our being to the Word of God and stand. We weary as the battle rages on. At times we think we cannot take another hit and survive it. But yet we do. We press on. We hold on to the truth.

The truth that He is God and He is our Father and has our very existence in the palm of His Hand. One of my favorite verses to hang on will surprise you but to me it shows me that God is a Father foremost. The scripture says the "what Father would give their child rocks instead of bread". So through the battle I hold on to the knowledge that God loves me more than I can imagine and His purposes will be for my benefit and not rocks of nothing.

For some of us the battle sends us into to places we never would have thought we could go. I never thought I could weather that first transplant and a second one unfathomable. It has been the hardest walk I have ever been in and yet I know so many that have harder walks. But it just never felt that the end was within my grasp. The pain and suffering that I have watched Olivia endure is insurmountable. Your mind cannot even wrap around it anymore. I cannot even begin to understand all that she has come through. I think a Mom any day of the week would rather it be her life in the balance all the time instead of her child. And the battle raged on.

It raged on with Olivia, it raged on in our lives as we saw my Mom pass away from cancer. A year later we sat numb as we attended the funeral of Dean's Mom, Stepdad and sister that were killed in a single car accident.

The devastation of moving to Atlanta. The financial burdens. The last two years when Olivia had been really so very sick it was scary. I knew way to many parents that did not make it to the hospital in time or get a liver in time. The battle just raged and there seemed no relief.

If I lived within those circumstances I think I would have gone insane. If I did not have a Savior and faithful Father in my life that gave me more than I could ever imagine I would not be able to even write this down. But in my peace filled moments right now I am learning more than I could have ever realized through the battle. My Father provided for me more than I can ever imagine and girded me with strength that surpasses all understanding. All by His Grace. But those things came with a big lesson. One that I will always remember and keep tucked in my heart.

I have learned the power of a praying people. I have seen the arms of so many linked together in prayer to the heavens that I know millions of angels were put to flight. The cloud of the mighty warriors were not from me but from heroes and some I may never know. I have learned that the real heroes in my life are not the superstars on television or the dynamic pastors with the great messages or books.(Though those pastors and books can speak into your life) I have learned that it is those around me that have laid down their lives, sometimes daily, to pray for me and my family. It is also the children God reminds every night to pray for Olivia. It has been those that have put hands and feet to the gospel in my life by holding up my arms, letting me be "real" at times, letting me be hard headed at times and also those that have been a friend and told me to get back up, brush off my clothes, check for any damage to vital organs and get back in the battle. Those to me are the Heroes of my Faith.

In your battle there will always be someone standing at your side, filling in the gap between the altar to hold your arms up in battle. To see things in a different perspective because they are not called to be in the battle with you as much as they are called to walk beside you. Giving you a drink when you are thirsty, giving you scripture when your spirit needs the balm of Gilead, giving you room to stand back up on your own when you need to, giving tough love, giving sweet merciful love and lots and lots of grace. Those people, those friends, those prayer warriors, that sweet family in Christ, those are the real Heroes of your Faith. They are the ones that have learned what it means to lay down their life for a brother and they know the value of the prayer of a righteous man. Because the prayer of a righteous man avails much. I am a walking testimony of those prayer warriors' and I am so thankful for each and everyone.

Comfort?

Comfort?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who doesn't love a good cup of hot soup in the winter or snuggling in a blanket in front of a good fire with a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate with those nice marshmallows in them. I know I do. I love sitting in a comfy chair and reading and I love a good pot of home made soup but most of all I realized yesterday that I love stability. When I think about the things that comfort me and allow me to heal, to think, to get perspective the one thing I know, it starts with some comfort. Sometimes small things that the smell of walking in my front door and sometimes big things like sitting watching a movie with Dean and Olivia. But the healing can start when I have something to lean on.

In my life of constant change I did not realize how much I crave comfort. You see, underlining all this whirlwind of surgeries, disappointments, frustrations and constant back and forth to the hospital you would think "Wow, she has it down". It seems like everyone else's week, we just go to the hospital. Sometimes it does become routine. But here is the reality, as long as I can prepare myself and I have the one thing that underlines it all….my nurses, then I survive. Those ladies on the floor that love me no matter what! When I had to handle life and death stuff they held my hand and my heart and helped me make it another day. When I could not take another Doctor they took the time to help me talk it through. They have loved me, cried with me and helped me walk a little straighter and stronger. So, why, oh why did God have to rock even that boat for me.

For the last week the Doctors have had this "something" about who is taking care of Liv. The Liver Doctors have written her off because according to them she is fine. If you have the chance to really look at her I would beg to differ but hey, the surgery went well. Her scar healed. She is losing blood everyday but I am sure that is just normal…UGGH. I had to draw their attention back to that point because they seemed to overlook it as they were so assured of her liver numbers. Then the pulmonologist. You never see them, they never come by, they have been just writing orders here and there and all the while…in this world of limbo Olivia and I have been at least assured of one thing, our nurses on the 6th floor. They love her. They don't judge her. They allow her to be afraid, hurt, mad, happy, and to work through so many problems that she has to face. So the idea of changing floors has been a looming dark shadow over us. Most of the fifth floor nurses are more about protocol, process, orders than the person. Of course they are nice and helpful but they are just not used to seriously ill kids. They are used to the teenagers with no parents here. Attitudes, frustrations and fighting them to follow protocol. You would think we would be a cup of fresh air.


So, last night, all of sudden we had to make the move to the 5th floor. I had prepared myself all week. I had prepared Olivia all week. But, when the time came I just fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it together but it just seemed my world was being ripped apart. I just could not figure out why I was so upset. Then it just hit me. That comfort. That stability. That kindness was gone. I would have to start over with new nurses. The struggle of having to make it all work on my own again was just ahead. The simple things and nuisances that you look for in a transplant kid is lost on this floor. My anxious thought of "what do you think" lost on a protocol than really just a Mom trying to get a thought or opinion to relieve the anxiety.

Then the big picture just loomed above me. God, "Why are you taking this away from me!"…"I just made friends that really understood where I am!" …"I am not the one always giving this time, there are people here that help me too!", " God I am so tired and weary". Dean wasn't even here to help me make the move to the fifth floor because he was home sick. I had to do it all by myself and boy that led to, " I feel like I am doing this all by myself most of the time"…(which is a silly pity party on my part and so not true but hey, there are times that you have to vent something out.) Then, as I was unpacking Sophie came to the door. Dear Sophie. And part of the picture that is bigger than my pity party came to light.



You see, Sophie's Dad left them the last time she was in the hospital. He decided he did not want to be a Dad anymore. But not just that he did not want to be a Dad, but he took the time to tell the kids that. Her Mom is in the middle of trying to start over and move to another state. Sophie is here at the hospital for the first time by herself. Even though she is fourteen, still, when you have had your Mom all the time it is hard and my stubborn attitude melted just a bit. She is two doors down. How can I not know that God moved us down to help her. And yes, comfort is nice. Walking this life is not easy but, God knew at the end of the day I could handle it. Because the picture is bigger than my comfort.



Don't get me wrong, when I get home I am making that soup, I am watching all the TV I want to and I am having a good cup of coffee and hot chocolate. You can count on that. I am even going to curl up in a chair and enjoy a good read in my fluffy housecoat. Then, I am going to cook and get ready for Thanksgiving at the King household with all the trimmings I can muster. We may have to freeze some food by the time I get through or give it away but who cares….my life is bigger than those moments of comfort.



I am called to lean on God, not nurses for my comfort. I am being called to a higher walk with God than I ever knew I could do. Because today people need to see real people living a real life with God. I love that at our church we don't call ourselves Christians but Christ Followers. Because the word Christian has become symbolized as something negative. But those that live life out as a follower of Christ just naturally draw people to them. Why? Because people need God. They need love. They need that comfort that I received from the nurses. They have emotional and spiritual needs that they can't even identify but when they feel it or see it…they know it! The sad part, it is the person going out of their way to help someone is out of the ordinary these days. It is the person caring for just a moment about someone else and not themselves that seem strange to our society anymore. The Christian walk is harder now than it has ever been because of how the morality of our culture has changed. So one person at a time. One moment of the time we are called to make a difference. Even if it costs us that one thing that means most to us. For me it was that small bit of comfort. But I know and God knows, I am strong enough to handle even losing that and like I told Olivia some child needed our room up there and they needed what we received more than we did. And down here, we will make the best of it and God will bless our time here…it will just be different.



Someday soon we will go home and I will be able to heal wrapped in the warmth and stability of my own house. My own living room, bedroom and kitchen. So I will look forward to that and not look back at what was lost but more importantly what was gained. I gained invaluable friendships. I gained love that I did not realize I needed so badly and I am learning one step at a time to trust God's design. He knows what we need and how much we can handle.



Oh, and just as I am finishing writing this the Doctor's come in to tell me that her blood problems might be related to an antibiotic she is on. Wow, they could have saved me so much worry if I had seen them yesterday. Yet again, give me a little comfort that things may not be what they appear or just trust my God to know what is ahead and just breath. Just breathing…..in and out…in and out…….