The Fall is here and so am I !!! God is good

I know this is long, so sorry, but hopefully  it will minister to you.

Fall is in the air. That brisk crisp morning air that will heat up to the mild 70’s here. The trees are are bright with changing colors, leaves falling, pumpkin patches, corn mazes and Fall Festivals, a season to celebrate. I am blessed to be here to enjoy the holidays that are coming. In fact, it’s a pure miracle that I am here. God spared my life for me to live and give.

We all have life changing moments.  That moment may come with something someone said to us, a moment that a scripture means something anew, someone we love struggles or we ourselves face a tragic time that changes our lives.

This summer was such a moment for me. I love summer. I actually love all the seasons but this summer, well, it has a whole new meaning for me. Instead of time in the pool, gardening, reading books and celebrating my daughter’s 18^th birthday (which is a miracle of itself), my summer was spent in a hospital bed fighting for my life, literally.  Now after four long months, it’s time to talk about it.

   

We all have that moment that is so BIG in your life that you are not sure that it happened. How could all of that happen, to you? But it does and it did, so we go deeper in our trust with the Lord and we are tried in the crucible of fire so that all those “icky” things the Lord wants us to deal with surfaces to the top and can be cleaned out. Not only do you go through the fire but those around you do as well.

There are a lot of things I don’t really remember.  There are some things that are very vivid, even today that I remember. All in all I know one thing, it has been a long grueling four months with more questions than answers and a lot has been churning inside my head.

Prayerfully, what God has churning inside of me will help someone else along their journey of confusion, disappointment, being frustrated with God, or just not having answers when you so desperately want them.  When you are walking in the dry, cracked, hot desert…when you long for that Oasis of help and it doesn’t come…where is your faith? I don’t have that answer, only you do, but I do have a testimony that the Lord says we “Overcome by the Word of OUR testimony” so maybe mine will encourage you.

So, I am going to take this slow, start from the beginning and work through all that has happened.

The downward spiral started in April, as always in our finances. Financially we had been doing great. Finally after all those years of bills and expenses from my daughter’s two transplants, diabetes and Cystic Fibrosis, we were so close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  In fact, we were working towards my husband’s desire at starting a church. He had been able to concentrate his efforts to planting a church and it seemed things were going well. Then one thing led to another and the dominoes started their decent.

I am going to start the story and finish little by little. So, hopefully you can get the bigger picture of what God was up too. I know I still see in a glass darkly all that He has done but prayerfully the story will unfold like He wants it to.

The first part starts in April. One client moved their offices to another state, a hit to our finances but we could still survive then the second call, my main client that I had been working with for ten years was no longer using consultants, my third client went into bankruptcy and had not paid my invoices. Wow, you would think that would be hard enough, but it will explain my hesitation for a Doctor’s appointment. You see, the next couple of months, I knew I didn't feel right but I knew I was under some serious stress.

I remember always being tired. Now, I guess you have to know me but tired is not something I like. So, I assumed that the tired was not enough exercise and I needed to get back to getting healthy.

Off to my project cabinet I went. Painting, gardening, spring cleaning, anything I could put my hands on to do. My Mom used the old adage “Idle Hands” and my hands were trying not to be idle. The other thing I had noticed over the last year was the weight gain. Lots of weight and I was eating less and less. Of course that had to be hormones? And the swelling in my legs was awful but of course that had to be extra salt I was eating or something because it came and went. 

HUGE SIDE NOTE: Ladies, if you are reading this and have weird, constant symptoms that are not usual to you, GO TO THE DOCTOR. Don’t hesitate, just go. It may be nothing, but we make a lot of things nothing trying to take care of so much.

By May I had agreed to teach Vacation Bible School, which I love, but just couldn’t seem to really exert the effort to get all my teaching together. We do VBS Big out our church and I love every minute. My favorite part is decision time . Seeing those little ones start to understand Jesus, the Bible and God. So precious.This year I will miss all of it. I will miss a lot of things but God's Hand will be in the midst of it all. 

Because I was so weak, I asked a friend to help me decorate the Saturday before. We met at the church, along with husband and started the process but I just couldn't do it.  I felt too ill, I laid down on the chairs until my husband said we were going home.  When we got home I fell into to bed along with my daughter, who seemed to be sick as well. I thought we might have the same thing but the next day neither one of us was any better and Dean decided to take Olivia to the hospital (her sickness can be very dangerous) and left me at home. The events that unfold here are crazy.

 Olivia was admitted and was very ill. Dean was driving back to house during the day to bring me food and make sure I was okay and staying the evening and night with Olivia. He did that for five days. The last day I remember was Thursday. I asked him to bring me some watermelon, I was so thirsty. When he brought to me, I remember it tasted so good and that is the last thing I remember. A day later, Dean has taken me to the Emergency Room and been told I probably would not make it through the night.

I am going to leave you here for a moment because the story is long….but I don’t want to miss anything God has to say….so hold on friends, if you are reading, I will post again soon.

In His Grip Always

Barb

The Cleansing Sound of the Ocean

I had been teasing Olivia for about a week before we left for vacation that “the waves come in, the problems go out”.   We would laugh and breathe looking forward to a week at the beach. As I am sitting here in my favorite place on the balcony overlooking the ocean I see God doing just that…the waves come in, the problems go out. 

Listening to the sound of the waves and seeing the vast blue ocean coming in and rolling out, you can’t deny there is something about the majesty of the water. Something about the endless life that exists in that water that no one can control but God. No one tells the sea how to act, no one can control the sea, no one can master it. In its own way it gives and takes away. Many men have taken on the challenge and lost.

There is only one man I know of that could. He stood up in that boat and calmed the Sea, He walked out on top of  the water to the boat with His Disciplest….and if we get right down to it, it was created by Him and For Him.  Why is that so amazing to me. Because this world has its own set of rules we live by whether it is socially, governing, or family. People are always hungry for power and control. Not only do they want to control their surroundings but also those around them. They even have the audacity to set rules that God has no part of and we have to follow them.  

But, what if we decided to live by a new set of rules in life. This new life in our hearts that would allow us to “render to Caesar what is Caesar’s” and give to God what is most precious, our heart.  What if, by heart design we decided to live “walking on the water?” We allowed God, the only one who really has this world in the palm of his hand the opportunity to rule in reign in our hearts and in our actions.  What perspectives would change? What part of our life would change?

I have started that challenge to do just that in my life recently. My husband started teaching on ‘hearing God” in our Sunday school class about a year ago.  What I didn't realize is I knew the things he was teaching but I hadn't been walking it out in a very long time. I had to take the time to truly listen to God, inclining my ear to hear Him, in everything in my life. I will say that if you take that challenge, be ready to do battle because everything in the world will hit you to keep you from engaging with God in a deeper way. The freedom to walk with God when you are not only talking, but listening constantly changes your perspective.

One of those changes for me is writing.  I have been giving up on it for some time but God has really been impressing me to write again.  Now I know what to write.  Learning how to “Listen to God”.  Setting our hearts and ears to hear that “still small voice” and then acting upon it.  Challenging my thinking to be “counter intuitive” to the obvious and yield to the Holy. It’s not easy, the journey is hard….but then again, the things you take away are immeasurable.  Walking with God on the beach, you start to believe anything is possible with God. My new challenge...posting again every week!

“A Daddy’s Love”

It has been more than a while since I have posted anything to my blog.  I would just stare at it and wonder what would I write? Things are good, for the most part, and we are getting past all the anxiety and learning to live life outside the hospital.  But the other day God started stirring something in my heart that I should have known all along, His love.

His love is not a new concept. In fact, we talk about it all the time. Why, after thirty something years of walking with God does this seem a new concept to me? But it is a new concept. I realized after all these years I had been walking by Faith, yes! I had been walking in loving God, yes! I had been walking in as much obedience as I know, yes! But all those things do not cover how much God loves me, not anyone else, just me.

This journey for me started several months ago. My Pastor and I were talking and he commented about “what are you willing to give up for God”! He wasn’t talking to me because from outward appearances that does not seem to be a problem but when I really started asking myself that question God started me down this road of self evaluation. What would I give up? Could I give up Olivia and trust Him with her? Could I give up what I think He has called me to do?  Could I give up my home and possessions?  Where was the line where I said No to God? 

Great questions, right! As I started trying to answer those questions and start walking down this road God kind of took a reverse position on me and asked me the question “what would I give up for you?”  . Of course we all repeat, you gave up your son?  I get an “A” for that answer….but it wasn’t the total right answer for me.

You see, with that question I did realize He gave up His son for me.  His son!  And He has given me a daughter, what would I give up for her? What were my expectations for her? What did I want her to learn more than just do because I asked her to? When I started seeing things through that looking glass I realized more things that I want to admit on this paper.

I realized that all this time I have been trying to “earn” God’s love from doing all that He asked.  Yes, He honored that but I truly did not understand that “just because” I exist I am loved.  That He treasures me.  He holds me in high regard.  I don’t earn those things, they just are because I am His child. If someone hurts me, He is there to take up my offense. If (or better yet when) I make a mistake He is the first one there to lend me His hand to stand up. When I can’t find my way, I just ask because He longs to teach me the right path.  I have strived for so long thinking I didn’t even deserve His compassion let alone the “riches” of His love.

So, what does that headline have to do with anything?  Well, when I finally started looking through those new lenses, God showed up to make sure I understood what He was trying to say to me. He would just lavishly bless me with things that I did not feel I deserve.  A beautiful new car, a new roof for our house, a scholarship for Olivia to be able to attend  school, Olivia well enough to attend school. Those things that were most important to me. I had no doubt they were from God.  Don’t get me wrong, life is still crazy, everything is not all ironed out but that is okay because for the first time I really understand a Daddy’s love. That love that bears all things, endures all things and hopes for the best because I have a God that believes in ME that much.  Guess what, He believes in you that much too!  You probably already understand this most important lesson but for me it was life changing. 

Is Perception Reality and truth

The kitchen, that place where we gather as a family. The place where talking begins and memories are made. My kitchen can tend to be a place of those beautiful arguments as well. What is the biggest argument…it is always a mess. No matter how many times I clean it in a day it is still a mess. Pots in the sink, dishes to be loaded and unloaded in the dishwasher and a floor that needs to be swept and truth be known mopped. As I am standing there in yet another end of an evening, my husband asks if he can load the dishwasher for me. If you could look back with me five years ago, steam would have been coming out of my ears and then when he finally left confused by my response, tears would flow down my face from the reality that I was not measuring up. It is all about perception.

The hardest part of life is walking in true perception. My husband and I have counseled for years and have seen this over and over, in our life and others. One spouse’s view of the circumstance or conversation is completely different from what is actually being said.

Perception of words, actions, and heart intent is very important to our  well being mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Even when it comes to physical exercise, what and why we eat the food we do,  how we relate to others, and most importantly God.

So how do we know if our perceptions are clear, truthful, and balanced? I wish I had the full answer to this question because it would save me a lot of heartache but the reality is I don’t. However,  I am learning a huge lesson in this area. Starting with the foundation that I have built my life on, the Bible and my relationship with God.

In my marriage, I learned it a long time ago. That scene above was one of many I could have written.  Dean and I had gotten to the place where we couldn’t really talk anymore. Why? Because everything that we communicated to each other was filtered through past hurts, past disappointments and past expectations. Our perceptions were severely skewed. Once we were able to clear the table and start from the beginning…the talking began. I am amazed to this day what was actually being said and how I distorted the truth because of the filters I had raised. Now, “do you want me to load the dishwasher?” doesn’t mean that I am a bad wife because I don’t keep house like I should…it just means can I help you out by doing this for you as an act of love. Truth: Can I help you by doing this for you. Perception: I can’t seem to get everything done so I am a bad wife.

See the mountain of perceptions that divided me and an act of love? Please understand, Dean had his own filters too, but, God wants me to start with my perceptions first. Look in my mirror, my heart, actions and see me. When there are problems in relationships, I have to look at my heart issue and build from there.

I think trying to find the right perception in marriage is a lot easier than with friends and family. For some reason the expectation is higher but in a different way. A small word, a small neglect can change the way we see someone in our life. For some unexplained reason we neglect to realize what might be going on in someone else’s life may be affecting their actions. We shouldn’t always give someone that excuse but more often than not, we definitely need to consider it.

 We are finally heading to church again as a family.  Olivia has been to weak to go with us for a long time now. Plus, all the sickness that goes through the church has not helped her in many cases. In fact, she is quite wary of going to church. But, we have decided it is time for her to get started again. But it takes a lot out of her.

As we walked in and found our seats, some of her friends recognized and realized she was there. The excitement was just evident by the big hugs and smiles that traveled all the way to their eyes. Olivia hugged them but didn’t stand up and really did not smile much back. Her friends were all so excited to see her in church but she seemed indifferent. The truth: she was too tired and did not have much to give. Perception: Wow, she really doesn’t care that I am excited to see her.

 The perception is far from the truth, but what she walks through everyday is so hard for anyone to understand, even me as her Mom. So I quietly reminded her that they can’t understand all that she is going through and what her reaction could “say” to them.  I waited for her reaction and was awarded with a “thanks Mom” and she proceeded to talk with them when there was a welcome time which a huge difference. You could see it.

So how do we balance out our perception so we see more clearly? How do we keep perceptions in check so that they don’t become truth?  I believe the first step is seeking His word on our heart. That step of truly developing that relationship with God every day. God is involved in every moment of our life, day in and day out. When we establish that relationship with Him on a daily basis then it becomes so much easier to hand it over to Him and allows Him to show you the truth in a situation. It may take some time to find out the truth in a perception, or your perception may be truth. But truly finding out if it’s God’s truth is something different for everyone. Because truth can be true…but the heart of the truth may be wrong. So is our perception of that truth based on what we see or how God sees it? Real truth is how God is sees it J And real truth brings our perceptions in line with Him and in line with our life.

My journey

The Things we forget to do

The Things we forget to do

I walk in and it feels like home. I smell something delicious coming from the kitchen and the tables are set with centerpieces and fine china. As I walk in memories float through my mind of days gone by. I remember going to my Grandmother Dean’s house. It was always filled with those same smells from something she had cooking in the kitchen. As I surveyed the room, the memory of Grandmother’s table surfaced to the top. I could see the table set in the dining room but until I got married I was only allowed to look because only the “adults” sat at the table with the fine china and crystal. I guess the qualifications of an adult you had to be married because I know I was older than some of my other cousins that sat at that table. I was invited to sit at the “kids” table.

As I was invited in, I sat down and looked around. There was laughter and joy filling the room. These ladies were just so happy to be together. I listened and really looked at these precious women. Women comfortable with each other and with themselves. Women, who had lived, loved, lost, and knew the power of being strong by standing on your knees. Each line etched on their face came from the joy of knowing the Lord and living life well.

These precious ladies had invited me to come and speak to them at their monthly luncheon. What an honor. But what could I even begin to say to these ladies. They had more wisdom in their little finger than I did in my whole body. But I pressed on. I felt the one thing that maybe they didn’t hear all the time was exactly how important they were to me and so many others. Not because they showed up to cook all those delicious meals, or when someone needs a hospital visit or even to the nursing home but that their life left bits of wisdom in all of us. I wanted to let them know how much I appreciated the time they spent with the Lord calling my daughter’s name to the one and only one who holds her life in His Hands. How they have loved their families and friends the same way. If you picture the church, these ladies are the ones that bath it in prayer. The mortar that holds it in place.

When I left, I was left with more than I could have ever given to them. The love that you feel from these precious ladies is more than can be put into words. But most of all, more important than the love I felt, I realized we do forget to appreciate those ahead of us. That we forget to tell them how much we love who they are and how much we appreciate what they have done in their lives. Because they help us manage our lives and make better decisions because they have gone before us and know all the pitfalls, the anguish, the laughter and the tears. They see the picture of life so much bigger than we ever could.

Hug your Mom today. I miss mine terribly and wish I could. Call your grandmother today…she has so much to give….hug the older ladies in your church, wealth of wisdom is found in them and your kids, let them know how important it is to honor them. We have all learned lessons we will never forget from these precious ladies.

Going deeper with God sometimes just means listen

It never fails, put me in a hospital room and I can write. Put me in my regular routine at home and I am fighting time to get it done, LOL. When God wants you to stop and listen, He will do it and sitting in a 10x 10 room will do it every time.

Remember the first part of the year I was talking about my “word” for this year. The word was to go deeper with God.  Wow, have I ever really realized the depth of that. I have been digging in Jeremiah and John, Acts and Romans.  Then Dean has been teaching on “hearing God” in our Sunday School class. It seems to be that God is directing my life so I can see things a little clearer. Hearing a little more of his heart beat these days. The things He has been directing my attention   to is compassion for those around me. So much so, I have to fight the urge to solve everyone’s problems. I can’t solve them all and sometimes there is another person that needs that blessing. I pray each time and lay it at the Father’s feet . I force myself to stop and listen and allow Him to do what He wants to do but I really have to fight back that urge to help.

God is really talking to me about the importance of listening. Not just to words and not just for a second but pressing in to Hear His voice. Listening takes work. Stopping the list in your head, being ready to comment on a situation when your opinion may not be the important one, just allowing God to talk to your heart without interrupting Him, being quiet and still to listen, I am working on a sweat just trying to get my head to stop long enough to do all of those things. It is not in our nature. We really do have to work at it. But the difference it makes. I “hear” so much more. I don’t always get it right but when I do, God really does some cool things in my heart.

I don’t only listen in my prayer time but also when someone is talking. I start praying right then. This is my prayer: “Lord, what am I supposed to be learning from you?”…not just in Church as my pastor preaches his awesome services, or when Dean is teaching class…but also, when I am just chatting with someone. God wants to talk to me even when chatting about the weather. That sounds strange doesn’t it. But really it’s not! I have heard my own sin in my heart “pop” up before I open my mouth and it has saved me a few times. I didn’t respond to something negative with a negative. Wow, that changed the conversation. Instead of gossip, it turned into a life lesson for my friend and me. God showed up and allowed me to see the ickiness in my heart before I had that chance to step out on that sin.

Then, I also pray, “God, let me hear their heart”…wow, that has helped me so much. I tend to get into deep conversation when I pray this one. The Lord just gives me the right words that allow that person to share, unburden their heart, and even let me know their true need. Sometimes it has been spiritual, sometimes emotional and sometimes meeting a physical need that they have been hesitant to share. What a blessing for me.  I so appreciate that God would allow me to hear and then work it out in a way to help. “Bearing one another’s burdens”, what a blessing.

You know why? Because I have been so blessed with friends that have stood by me, have listened to me and have loved me through so many spiritual, emotional and physical needs. A debt I will always be indebted to repay. When you are loved much, love is so easy to give.

So, really this is not much of a “Bible Study” today but hopefully it is a place you heard something God wanted  you to hear. Maybe you just need to slow down that list in your head for a minute and just listen. But I know how hard that is because I have a continual list in my head that is always flowing…hence, sometimes the stop at Hotel Egleston…LOL.

Love to you all

In His Grip

Barb