It's A New Year

When you start every New Year there is something within that automatically starts reflecting on the year before. We evaluate where we are, where we want to be and where we have been. But, when 2011 started my feet had already hit the ground running. I was already battle weary, tired and just so ready for a New Year that thought of reflection passed quickly.


Recently though, maybe a little later than we are supposed to, I had the time sit and reflect, look into the New Year and hope again. All of sudden at the end of the year I felt like I was overwhelmed with good things that were happening in our life. I ended 2010 a very tired girl. It seemed that the storms of life, the battle wounds and the whirlwind of life was getting the best of me. But in the midst of that storm God took a moment and blessed us. In fact the line "my cup runneth over" ran through my mind constantly. Though some circumstances seemed to not get worse, in other places we were overwhelmed with the goodness of God.

The ultimate view of last year would be that God is a mighty God. That His Hand covers all that we are, all that we see and all that is unseen. I see this huge portrait in my mind where God has placed each stroke with loving Hands and knows exactly the beauty that will eventually be seen in the canvas. His creative eye has already begun to put in the radiant colors called my life and is perfecting this picture so that maybe, just maybe, others might see who He is and that I might be just a small part of His perfect plan.

On my level of walking through this canvas of life I see each stroke of the painter's Hand in my life. I see the pain, the exhaustion, the stress and the walk of someone that everyday had to lay it all on the altar and trust that His plan was the right one. This I would call the crucible of fire that takes all the dross, sin, lost focus, and pain and burns it up so that all you see is the beauty of the gold that has risen to the top. From those ashes has become a beautiful testimony that I will never forget or regret. I will look back on those scars of human frailty as building blocks of trust and obedience to a Father in Heaven that loves me more than I can ever imagine. I have many years and miles left to go that I will go back into that crucible but last year , the entire year was lived inside the fire. So much was lost in the fire and what a good thing that was and so much was gained from His love for my family.

I wish I had time to recount all the things that , in the midst of the storm, God provided. He provided arms of encouragement and love when we needed it. He provided every financial need when it needed to be met, He provided hope when there seemed to be only despair, He provided strength through so many long days and nights of no sleep, He provided friends that prayed and prayed and still pray. At times it felt like He was in the room with me, guiding me, giving me wisdom and holding me so I could get to the next day. The closeness of God was alive in my heart and in my life.

So the deep waters of God overflowed into my life and there is nothing like it. At the end of the year the thing that God showed me, almost audibly, is that I have to start taking care of me again. I have to get back into the place of being all that I can be. He did that in two ways. The first was the Women's Retreat at our church. When I walked in all I could think of was dry bones but I was so surprised that the truth was Living Water was just wanting to rush out of me. WOW. How amazing. Where I was thinking I was downtrodden I was actually full of excitement, love and hunger for the things of God.

The other way He did that is with the Deserving Diva Makeover Contest that I won. From so many aspects that has changed my view. I had to take a hard look at where I am at in a different realm, this earthly body. Boy, that was a good hard look that I did not like but just like the pain and heartache it takes for to sometimes clean out our heart I am seeing the same thing Soul and Body. So this year, I am taking that precious gift and multiplying it to my health. So you might hear me crying in my cornflakes that I just can't do it…but then I will get right back up and start again. One thing I learned from the last several years in my life…I have a lot of tenacity, LOL.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

Saturday, December 11, 2010

True beauty is all around us especially this time of year. It might be your home. I was in a beautiful home just a day or so ago and mesmerized by the beauty and warmth that was flowing through every room and every touch of décor she had in her home.

It might be in a supermodel. I recently met Cindy Crawford (yes, the Cindy Crawford) and the woman is just a natural beauty. No wonder men can't stop looking at her. She is so strikingly beautiful but also very lovely on the inside. I could see myself hanging out with her at Starbuck's just talking about real life. That is when I got over the "WoW" you look like that and well, I look like this, LOL.

It might be in a moment when an old memory dances across your mind and reminds you of something that brings back that smile. Maybe when you met your husband for the first time or maybe an old family memory.

It might be that new outfit you bought that makes you look and feel like a million bucks. You waited and waited for it to go on sale or you splurged for the first time in years just to get it.

It might even be that lady friend that is your mentor that just shines and oozes Jesus every time you talk with her. She reminds you of the things that are most important in your life and the priorities because she has gone ahead of you and knows the wisdom of a life well lived.

It might be your circle of friends that you laugh, cry and pray together through this road called life. That you hold them up in prayer before the Father with a little extra blessing because of who they are.

For me this Christmas I see all of that beauty but I also see something I have not seen before. The true "Eye of the Beholder" of beauty is the ability to see the handiwork of God through those eyes. The most precious place I see that handiwork of God in Olivia. I guess it has just caught me by surprise. She has been sick for so long that the personality of really who she is and what she thinks has been hidden. Now she is getting a little better everyday and she is talking. We are talking like we used to, or she is talking non-stop it feels like, but the conversations are so different. I am amazed at her heart and how she handles different situations. The love, mercy and grace in her heart is liking watching a rose unfold. Each day it opens a little more and the full beauty of the petals and the smell of the rose rise. After all she has been through, she could have made so many different choices about the person she wants to be. She could have been bitter, angry, frustrated and closed off. She could have been shy, scared, and ashamed because of all the different scars she has endured. But, instead of all those things, she has embraced beauty, mercy, grace and friendship as the character traits she wants to be a part of her life. She has chosen to allow God to heal her inside and out from all the things she has walked through. What a miracle. What a blessing. What a beautiful heart.

So, as Christmas is unfolding for you. See the beauty around you. Take a moment a let God shed some light through his eyes in what is happening with those around you, those in your home, and all the special things we love about Christmas. We celebrate the life of Jesus this time of year and I know his heart and eyes saw the true beauty in each of us.

Merry Christmas and thank you for continuing to journey with me through this life. It is a blessing that touches my heart in so many ways and I feel truly humbled and blessed by it.

Oh, and PS. I am starting my book in 2011…so look for it :)

In His Grip



Barb

The Real Heroes of the Faith

The Real Heroes of the Faith




Be Still and know that I am God ! I have been sitting in my house just listening and enjoying the sounds surrounding the moments. I listen to the quiet, stillness of the morning. I listen to the dog barking her warning as the birds fly by the window. I hear the rain outside as it is coming down and I rejoice. My heart is soaking in the peaceful existence of being still and knowing He is God.

Sometimes when we describe our life it seems to form a picture of a book. From beginning to end is the book and we close chapters as we walk through these adventures of life. This chapter in my book is hopefully and prayerfully done. It is written. Yes, there will new chapters to write but today, after a long ten year battle this weary warrior has been allowed to come home to rest. Rest in the peace and quiet of restoration knowing He is God.

We all have our chapters don't we? The battles that are so intense that we literally have to gird ourselves in the full armor of God to take on the day. To even be able to put our feet on the floor to start the next day from the pain, bruising and continual onslaught of whatever road we are walking down should be written down as a monumental moment. The story, as it unfolds in this chapter of your life, seems to be the part where gloom seems to hover just at a distance. The cloud a constant reminder of the weight of the battle that is raging. We pull every fiber of our being to the Word of God and stand. We weary as the battle rages on. At times we think we cannot take another hit and survive it. But yet we do. We press on. We hold on to the truth.

The truth that He is God and He is our Father and has our very existence in the palm of His Hand. One of my favorite verses to hang on will surprise you but to me it shows me that God is a Father foremost. The scripture says the "what Father would give their child rocks instead of bread". So through the battle I hold on to the knowledge that God loves me more than I can imagine and His purposes will be for my benefit and not rocks of nothing.

For some of us the battle sends us into to places we never would have thought we could go. I never thought I could weather that first transplant and a second one unfathomable. It has been the hardest walk I have ever been in and yet I know so many that have harder walks. But it just never felt that the end was within my grasp. The pain and suffering that I have watched Olivia endure is insurmountable. Your mind cannot even wrap around it anymore. I cannot even begin to understand all that she has come through. I think a Mom any day of the week would rather it be her life in the balance all the time instead of her child. And the battle raged on.

It raged on with Olivia, it raged on in our lives as we saw my Mom pass away from cancer. A year later we sat numb as we attended the funeral of Dean's Mom, Stepdad and sister that were killed in a single car accident.

The devastation of moving to Atlanta. The financial burdens. The last two years when Olivia had been really so very sick it was scary. I knew way to many parents that did not make it to the hospital in time or get a liver in time. The battle just raged and there seemed no relief.

If I lived within those circumstances I think I would have gone insane. If I did not have a Savior and faithful Father in my life that gave me more than I could ever imagine I would not be able to even write this down. But in my peace filled moments right now I am learning more than I could have ever realized through the battle. My Father provided for me more than I can ever imagine and girded me with strength that surpasses all understanding. All by His Grace. But those things came with a big lesson. One that I will always remember and keep tucked in my heart.

I have learned the power of a praying people. I have seen the arms of so many linked together in prayer to the heavens that I know millions of angels were put to flight. The cloud of the mighty warriors were not from me but from heroes and some I may never know. I have learned that the real heroes in my life are not the superstars on television or the dynamic pastors with the great messages or books.(Though those pastors and books can speak into your life) I have learned that it is those around me that have laid down their lives, sometimes daily, to pray for me and my family. It is also the children God reminds every night to pray for Olivia. It has been those that have put hands and feet to the gospel in my life by holding up my arms, letting me be "real" at times, letting me be hard headed at times and also those that have been a friend and told me to get back up, brush off my clothes, check for any damage to vital organs and get back in the battle. Those to me are the Heroes of my Faith.

In your battle there will always be someone standing at your side, filling in the gap between the altar to hold your arms up in battle. To see things in a different perspective because they are not called to be in the battle with you as much as they are called to walk beside you. Giving you a drink when you are thirsty, giving you scripture when your spirit needs the balm of Gilead, giving you room to stand back up on your own when you need to, giving tough love, giving sweet merciful love and lots and lots of grace. Those people, those friends, those prayer warriors, that sweet family in Christ, those are the real Heroes of your Faith. They are the ones that have learned what it means to lay down their life for a brother and they know the value of the prayer of a righteous man. Because the prayer of a righteous man avails much. I am a walking testimony of those prayer warriors' and I am so thankful for each and everyone.

Comfort?

Comfort?


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Who doesn't love a good cup of hot soup in the winter or snuggling in a blanket in front of a good fire with a nice steaming cup of hot chocolate with those nice marshmallows in them. I know I do. I love sitting in a comfy chair and reading and I love a good pot of home made soup but most of all I realized yesterday that I love stability. When I think about the things that comfort me and allow me to heal, to think, to get perspective the one thing I know, it starts with some comfort. Sometimes small things that the smell of walking in my front door and sometimes big things like sitting watching a movie with Dean and Olivia. But the healing can start when I have something to lean on.

In my life of constant change I did not realize how much I crave comfort. You see, underlining all this whirlwind of surgeries, disappointments, frustrations and constant back and forth to the hospital you would think "Wow, she has it down". It seems like everyone else's week, we just go to the hospital. Sometimes it does become routine. But here is the reality, as long as I can prepare myself and I have the one thing that underlines it all….my nurses, then I survive. Those ladies on the floor that love me no matter what! When I had to handle life and death stuff they held my hand and my heart and helped me make it another day. When I could not take another Doctor they took the time to help me talk it through. They have loved me, cried with me and helped me walk a little straighter and stronger. So, why, oh why did God have to rock even that boat for me.

For the last week the Doctors have had this "something" about who is taking care of Liv. The Liver Doctors have written her off because according to them she is fine. If you have the chance to really look at her I would beg to differ but hey, the surgery went well. Her scar healed. She is losing blood everyday but I am sure that is just normal…UGGH. I had to draw their attention back to that point because they seemed to overlook it as they were so assured of her liver numbers. Then the pulmonologist. You never see them, they never come by, they have been just writing orders here and there and all the while…in this world of limbo Olivia and I have been at least assured of one thing, our nurses on the 6th floor. They love her. They don't judge her. They allow her to be afraid, hurt, mad, happy, and to work through so many problems that she has to face. So the idea of changing floors has been a looming dark shadow over us. Most of the fifth floor nurses are more about protocol, process, orders than the person. Of course they are nice and helpful but they are just not used to seriously ill kids. They are used to the teenagers with no parents here. Attitudes, frustrations and fighting them to follow protocol. You would think we would be a cup of fresh air.


So, last night, all of sudden we had to make the move to the 5th floor. I had prepared myself all week. I had prepared Olivia all week. But, when the time came I just fell apart. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried to hold it together but it just seemed my world was being ripped apart. I just could not figure out why I was so upset. Then it just hit me. That comfort. That stability. That kindness was gone. I would have to start over with new nurses. The struggle of having to make it all work on my own again was just ahead. The simple things and nuisances that you look for in a transplant kid is lost on this floor. My anxious thought of "what do you think" lost on a protocol than really just a Mom trying to get a thought or opinion to relieve the anxiety.

Then the big picture just loomed above me. God, "Why are you taking this away from me!"…"I just made friends that really understood where I am!" …"I am not the one always giving this time, there are people here that help me too!", " God I am so tired and weary". Dean wasn't even here to help me make the move to the fifth floor because he was home sick. I had to do it all by myself and boy that led to, " I feel like I am doing this all by myself most of the time"…(which is a silly pity party on my part and so not true but hey, there are times that you have to vent something out.) Then, as I was unpacking Sophie came to the door. Dear Sophie. And part of the picture that is bigger than my pity party came to light.



You see, Sophie's Dad left them the last time she was in the hospital. He decided he did not want to be a Dad anymore. But not just that he did not want to be a Dad, but he took the time to tell the kids that. Her Mom is in the middle of trying to start over and move to another state. Sophie is here at the hospital for the first time by herself. Even though she is fourteen, still, when you have had your Mom all the time it is hard and my stubborn attitude melted just a bit. She is two doors down. How can I not know that God moved us down to help her. And yes, comfort is nice. Walking this life is not easy but, God knew at the end of the day I could handle it. Because the picture is bigger than my comfort.



Don't get me wrong, when I get home I am making that soup, I am watching all the TV I want to and I am having a good cup of coffee and hot chocolate. You can count on that. I am even going to curl up in a chair and enjoy a good read in my fluffy housecoat. Then, I am going to cook and get ready for Thanksgiving at the King household with all the trimmings I can muster. We may have to freeze some food by the time I get through or give it away but who cares….my life is bigger than those moments of comfort.



I am called to lean on God, not nurses for my comfort. I am being called to a higher walk with God than I ever knew I could do. Because today people need to see real people living a real life with God. I love that at our church we don't call ourselves Christians but Christ Followers. Because the word Christian has become symbolized as something negative. But those that live life out as a follower of Christ just naturally draw people to them. Why? Because people need God. They need love. They need that comfort that I received from the nurses. They have emotional and spiritual needs that they can't even identify but when they feel it or see it…they know it! The sad part, it is the person going out of their way to help someone is out of the ordinary these days. It is the person caring for just a moment about someone else and not themselves that seem strange to our society anymore. The Christian walk is harder now than it has ever been because of how the morality of our culture has changed. So one person at a time. One moment of the time we are called to make a difference. Even if it costs us that one thing that means most to us. For me it was that small bit of comfort. But I know and God knows, I am strong enough to handle even losing that and like I told Olivia some child needed our room up there and they needed what we received more than we did. And down here, we will make the best of it and God will bless our time here…it will just be different.



Someday soon we will go home and I will be able to heal wrapped in the warmth and stability of my own house. My own living room, bedroom and kitchen. So I will look forward to that and not look back at what was lost but more importantly what was gained. I gained invaluable friendships. I gained love that I did not realize I needed so badly and I am learning one step at a time to trust God's design. He knows what we need and how much we can handle.



Oh, and just as I am finishing writing this the Doctor's come in to tell me that her blood problems might be related to an antibiotic she is on. Wow, they could have saved me so much worry if I had seen them yesterday. Yet again, give me a little comfort that things may not be what they appear or just trust my God to know what is ahead and just breath. Just breathing…..in and out…in and out…….

Wow, I am humbled to be honored

Wow, I am humbled to be honored


Thursday, November 04, 2010

The days have gone on and on and I am so grateful for this opportunity to talk about my thoughts, feelings, and all the emotions that go with it. What memories I experience when I go back through some of these blogs and see how far we all have come. Because this journey has not been just my own, but all of you that have walked with me. I have been amazed at the journey. Sometimes good, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes shouting from the mountain top. But each and every day I see the hand of God in this walk and that is all that matters. I have been amazed at the at what God has brought me through not only through the last few months but really, my whole life. My life has taken many rough climbs up the mountain with so many falls, spills, scrapes, cuts, and sometimes a broken bone or two but every step, every breath, every move with God is worth it.

More importantly I am amazed at how God uses this blog. For me, I am just writing my thoughts and heart…but for some it has been life changing. Now, that is a God thing. That God would even use such a simple writer to reach someone else. That makes the experience worth it to me. This is a writer that had to take writing twice in college to pass it. So even when someone says something good about my writing I just chuckle inside because I know God has blinded them to all the infractions, errors and grammar mistakes I know I have made along the way. So when I begin to tell you about a pretty cool award the blog received I hope you know it was a little more than humbling for me.

In His Grip received the Versatile Award

My dear friend Anita passed on the Award to me and I was completely taken by surprise. You have to understand that I am a member of a writers group that has stellar writers and Anita is one of those writers. In fact, she writes some incredible devotions on her blog called "From the Mango Tree". They all have books written and/or published. They all sit on some board for writer's somewhere and their abilities far surpass mine. The fact that they allow me to participate is amazing to me. In fact, when I started my blog I tried to hide it from them but ever so slowly I think they have all found it. I am truly humbled and honored to receive the award.

As a result of the award, I have to do two things: pass on the award to other bloggers, and share a few things about myself…so here is my list:


1. I love good coffee. I love Starbucks but my home Kuerig machine is the bomb to me.

2. I am so introverted though no one seems to believe that.

3. I am passionate about family , friends, Olivia and my husband.

4. I am passionate about writing even though I know I am not a writer. My friend Melissa's says it is all in the editing anyway.

5. I love to entertain and decorate my house for the seasons and/or holidays. Having friends over and just chatting is always the way to go with me!

6. I love my job. I love Marketing anything. If I could, I would work all the time so I have to force myself not to.

7. Spending time with my friends is the best medicine in the world to me. People are important. Their lives are important. Their friendship is the most important. To me, people matter!

8. I do not like rude people! I can't stand to be in a crowded store and see where the world has gone in rudeness. It makes me crazy!

9. The number one thing you need to know about me, I am passionate about living for God, knowing God and having a relationship with God. That supersedes anything else with me.

I am giving away the Versatile Award to these blogs that mean so much to me:

1. www.wordmom.com, Melissa is one of the best writers I know and has such a great humor

2. http://amellott.wordpress.com Anita really does have the best devotions

3. http://www.guideposts.org/blogs/woman-woman My friend Julie and her Mom write the best blog. It makes me miss my Mom so much. Great blog

4. http://2moms2kids1help.blogspot.com this blog I am proud of. My friend Kim and I started this blog to help other Moms with Chronically Ill Children and Kim is a great writer.

5. http://www.anemulligan.com/Ane_Mulligan/Home.html Ane has a great blog. I love the title Southern-fried Fiction. She makes me laugh.

6. http://psalm516.blogspot.com from Nora called Novel Journey. She writes about new books coming out and does and excellent job with the site and with her book clubs.

7. http://robertbeeson.com Robert happens to be a serious writer like me. We don't throw in many jokes and we seem to be more introspective. That may be why I love it. His blog is so worth the read.

8. http://livingwithbiliaryatresia.blogspot.com this is my new friend Kirk Kraft that is writing about his daughter's story but also including other hero kids going through liver disease

So now you have the blogs I like, some new things about me but what about you? Do you have some things you would like people to know about you?

Thanks Anita, I am quite humbled and thanks for all of you that read this. I pray all the time that God give you something new. Just maybe we will all learn more and I won't give up on my writing :)



In His Grip

Barb

Puzzles, perplexes, frustrations and then there is God!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Do you like jigsaw puzzles? I do, well, sometimes. I don't like the ones that are all one color. That is way to tedious for me. I need something that is challenging but not so detailed I can't get it done in a day or two. But when you open the box all the pieces pour out on the table and you start to organize them. The ends pieces in one pile and the middle pieces in the other. Each piece uniquely fits into some unknown piece. You place them in groups too if you can. You are hoping to find those pieces that relate and fit together.

Life can tend to be that jigsaw puzzle. Some problems you pour out on the table and try sorting to piece it all together. You know God holds the box with the picture but you can't quite make out the different lines and shapes that color that picture into your life. So you start putting things in different piles to see what might fit together.

For the last several months I have been trying to put together this puzzle of explaining God's plan for Olivia. I have hit that table more than a thousand times trying to get the right pieces to fall into place to help her understand how this life isn't always easy. We don't always get the road travelled well but, we get the road less travelled. That being angry with Doctors, or God…while is understandable is not healthy and will eventually lead you down a path of bitterness and unforgiveness. Discussion after discussion. She sits there listening. I know she is thinking "great! I got it! This is lecture 4,780!". She listens and most of the time is respectful but you see that in her eyes and head this is not getting to the heart of the problem. My words are only correcting actions not attitudes and definitely not heart motives. Her head understands but her heart is covered with the muck and the mire of disappointment, pain, emotions, and never ending struggles that seem to have a promise of hope and yet those hopes get dashed.

Then one day I do something completely unrelated to this situation. I have no idea why I was frustrated but that frustration led to a big piece of the puzzle that will unlock that girl's mind and open her heart.

I accidentally walked into God's plan. I was not praying and had an epiphany. I was not reading the Bible and the Holy Spirit whispered the answer to me. In fact I was completely in a frustrated place. It totally came from my frustration rather than a Godly place. I will insert here that I have been concerned and praying about this problem for a while so I can feel a bit better about the situation. The sad thing is that it was still my frustration that allowed me to see what God was doing. (insert a V-8 moment here).

So on to the problem of the day! Olivia loves to read. She has a passion for reading. I always approve the books she reads but I try and encourage her to branch out and read other things. She seems to get set on a series and will not put it down until she finished the whole series. When she is enveloped in a book she loves, that is all she talks about. That saying "you are what you read" characterizes Olivia to a tee. I do understand that most kids have so many other outlets going on and she is captured inside her room but still it makes me crazy at times. So, the other day she is going on, and on, and on, and on about a book she is reading. Oh, did I say she was going on and on…as a Mom I hope you get the implication. If you have girls in your house, really at any age, you completely understand. Girls are chatty. So, as she was telling me about the dragon book she was reading, the conquering hero, the size and shape of the creatures and the complete plot of the book, all 600 pages, I asked her about a devotional she was supposed to be reading each day. Of course she had forgotten, had been tired, had left it in the car and the list went on and on. I had purposely bought that book for her to do a daily devotion so she would be pouring in some about God each day. Did she not understand I was trying to help her with that anger problem she has been having? Did she not get that God was not going to talk to her if she spent all her time with those stupid dragons? Oh, did she not know that Mom was not trusting God at that moment but trusting Mom to help her? The answer to the last question…neither one of us got that point. Shhh…don't tell Liv the answer to that question because I was the only one privileged enough for God to show that answer to me.

The girl had promised me she would read the book. She had promised! I was so frustrated. In hindsight, not because she did not read the book but because I was desperately trying to open her mind to a more world view. The book had several stories about other kids that had gone through some devastating stuff and God had walked them through it. She was not getting it if she didn't read them. It seemed those other books were such a hindrance. I was hopping mad on the inside. So out of frustration I find my favorite book, besides Oswald Chambers, "Hinds Feet on High places". If you have never taken the time to read it…you will regret it. I search the whole house to find my copy and I march into Olivia's room and announce that she will not be able to read anything else until she finishes this book. I knew she would immediately jump on it and start reading so she could get to her next book in the series she is reading. That would fix that problem. She would have to read something about God. The book is set in a story manner like the Chronicles of Narnia so I knew she would not be "brow beat" by reading something too boring. But at least I would know that she was spending time, kinda, with God on her own. Insert here that obviously that might have been the point but God was using it in so many other way.

The funny thing. I forgot the significance of the story. I had forgotten how the story weaves the role of Jesus in our lives. How, when we are afraid and having to walk through the hardest valleys, He is there. His role is there to love us, to help us, to walk with us up that mountain. I had forgotten the whole premise of the book actually. I was too busy concentrating on getting a book I thought she would read than realizing the impact it could have.

So, as we are walking through the Suwanee Square I ask her about the book. She is telling me that the character names are weird but that she can really relate to the main character "Much Afraid". She also talks about the The Great Shepherd in the book and how that is Jesus. She starts talking about the things that Much Afraid is going through and how that is exactly what she feels and understands. When I wasn't lost in my own thoughts about what God was doing, I was mesmerized by the depth of understanding my daughter had. It was truly amazing to hear her talk. Then it hit me. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

There I was, standing stunned with my mouth wide open, realizing that Olivia's main problem was not anger at all. Her main problem was fear. And without me even realizing it, God was answering my prayer. He knew all along that the explosive volcano spewing out at times had nothing to do with being angry. He knew her more than I ever could and had the answer for her all along. He just needed me to step out of the way and let Him work. That moment of realization walked me into a few new places as a Mom.

One, Olivia was taking that next step of independence and two, it was time for me to start letting go a bit and let God do His work in her. That she had reached that age of accountability in some area's and that He was able to reach in and be her God, her Father, her Teacher, her Comforter.

In that split second of a moment, my little girl grew into a young lady. Most importantly, a young lady of God. She had always gotten it. The anger was never the problem. It was the fear of walking through those dark valleys over and over. Through this book I know she will start seeing the wonder and amazing grace of God that will help her. I just pray that I step out of God's way and learn to be her guide now. But that transition is awfully hard.

Facing our Fear

Facing our Fear

Sunday, October 03, 2010

What a statement. Fear just starts rising up thinking about facing those things in our lives that we try not to think about. Then that fight or flight wells up in us and we are ready to go. We either start running or we pull out the armor.

This past year has been a multitude of fears and challenges for me. Most of the time I did not get the choice to run or fight, I just had to stand there and hold on, fighting with what seems like every breath I had. Praying harder than I have ever prayed and trying to listen to the Holy Spirit whisper every step of the way.

For me this is not so unusual though. Most of my life was and is a serious of situations that are fearful, out of my control and yet I have to face them head on. But there are times though, we get to choose. We have the opportunity to say, "no thank you, I will pass on this one" or "I am going to pull my big girl pants up and let's ride". Unfortunately or fortunately, I happen to be one of those girls that live in the "let's ride" category. This can be a blessing and a curse. You feel life more. You see life more. But you bleed more, you self evaluate more, you love harder, you expect more but it is so hard to keep yourself in a cage.

I think something changes in you when you have a choice. For so many of us our fear is a result of bad choices. I was sitting in my "Chasing the goose" class with Pastor Chuck last week and he was talking about the cage of guilt. All of us in the class could relate to the cage of guilt. We may have dressed our cage up so beautifully that it blends in with our lives. We have so eloquently positioned it in our lives that blends in with our view so that we do not even see it anymore. We know it is there, we heard it rattle at the beginning of reading this. But we have chosen not to face it.

Another view for me is fear is usually related to that guilt cage in some form, sometimes. That the conformity of our "church life" allows the devil to not only create guilt in our life from some bad choices but also creates fear that if anyone really knew me? That fear keeps us bound inside the cage of guilt. Our perception of what the Christian life should be keeps us bound by our own fear. Oh but the freedom to open that cage and choose to face it all and use it for God's glory. Real freedom. And that is a whole other thought.

As adults we can all relate, can we not? We have, at some point, created our cage. But what about a child that has faced fear and guilt with no baggage. No cage that has been built around her from bad choices, just life has created the fear and the guilt. What does this look like through their eyes. This weekend I was mesmerized with God, with people and with Olivia. It never occurred to me how much she would have to face being a part of the youth retreat. I never realized how much I would have to face allowing her to go.

When we arrived, Olivia was having a hard time finding anyone to really "hang" with. She was really new in this group of 127 kids heading out. Her friends were there but by now, after a year and a half of not being there, had created their cliques and she was outside the circle. I see her walk from one group to another as they walk off to see yet another friend. I saw her hope dash several times as she moved around the crowd and tried to fit in. As a Mom my heart just fell. I had to hold it all in and let her sink in that ocean of kids and it was killing me on the inside. At one point, I was about to cry so I had to move about talking to my friends to get myself steeled against the flight mode. Finally, she came up to me and just stood. I knew in that moment if I just mentioned she could ride with us instead of the bus, she would and that would be the wrong thing. How did I know that, all I can say is the Holy Spirit and prayer cover because this Mom wanted to scoop her up and protect. I am sure none of you have had that moment, LOL.

So, I gave her a minute and then I suggested she ride with us. Never in my life have I seen such fear and determination in my life. She rose up and told me that there was no way she was not getting on that bus. Wow. A girl that age, feeling lost and alone, having a back up plan. She could have run but not my girl…she bolstered herself up and got on that bus. If you are a girl reading this you can just imagine how much that took to stand there, take a deep breath and choose to face that fear. That fear of being different, not fitting in, not being accepted. She chose to face that fear head on. She knew the kids knew she was different. If not, well you couldn't miss the nose tube across her face and the tube hanging out her side. She knew she was a little awkward sociably because she doesn't always understand that teenage code because she has been growing up with adults and in the hospital. But instead of shielding herself from the fear she put her big girl pants on and went on that bus. I wonder if Jesus at some point always knew He was different He would always stand out and be different for the rest of His life. I wonder if, through His eyes, He saw more, He felt more and yet He chose to face it all. Choice is a freeing thing. It lets us soar...

That first fear was only the beginning. The challenges and the fears kept coming this weekend but Olivia and I had a huge step of growth. She was determined to keep up just like everyone else and that first night was a good one. She went to the first session, came back to her cabin and they played games, and she was making some head way into friendships. She was hurting and did end up coming to our cabin after everyone was asleep and tried to get some rest because the morning came very early. After the morning session and lunch they had free time to climb the Alpine tower and the alpine swing.

My first thought and really I was quite vocal with Liv about this.."You are not doing that!". It is 25 feet up climbing tower, you are harnessed but the climbing is difficult and well, she has all these tubes that could come out. The better part of parenting would be to say absolutely, emphatically, "No!". But, when you face so many things life, death, being different, things are way out of your control, as a person you have to be able to face that fear and know that you can face it and conquer it. So, Olivia pleads her case of facing her fear of heights. How simple that sounds to her but in reality she was facing so many more things than just that. How easy it was to see that my fear of protection was what I had to face. And well her Dad, he went along with it because he has two girls that keep him off kilter just enough to give in every once in a while. Somewhere deep inside I knew she had to do this if there was anyway possible. Because she is like her Mom. Face it, move on. Face it and live!

So we worked with the volunteers to get that harness just right. We worked with the other volunteers to make sure she was secure and off she went. Up that climbing tower. The first hard part she hit, she wanted to stop. It took all I had in me to keep urging her on. My Momma's heart wanted her to come down but my other Momma's heart knew she had to do this. Not because she was afraid of heights but she needed to conquer her fear. Her fear of dying, her fear of being mad with God, her fear of being different, her fear of being alone. There were so many things she was conquering in that moment because she had control and a choice. You see, those other times she was courageous because she had to be. There was no choice. She had to walk through them because what else could she do.

But, that day she had a choice. She chose to conquer her fear and have the control. So, she took that next baby step and kept going. I was cheering her on but then all of the kids were cheering her on. She was so proud of herself and yet still pretty terrified. But she made it! She faced her fear and won. She would not build a cage around her and allow the devil to take away her life. She was going to live it. Wow.

No one but me was able to witness all of that. Olivia has no idea that is what happened on Saturday. She just knows she did it and something changed in her heart. All of those kids have no idea how much it took for her to even take on that climbing tower. The month before she could barely lift her head off of a pillow. Physically, emotionally and spiritually it took five times more strength for her to conquer that tower than all of us on the ground. They never saw the accomplishment like I did. Most of the adults around were happy for her and loved seeing her but I realized how much they could not relate to where that child has walked. The depths of pain and courage that she had if she never even attempted to climb that tower. And no one will ever know the depths it took this Mom to push her on. To conquer instead of live in that cage. I know some of you know that depth because you do the same thing. Whether you send a child off to college, to the military or to give them a chance to move on in life the letting go is so hard. The dying to yourself is more than you ever imagined. But once they take flight….and you see them leave that cage…Wow.

I sit here reflecting on all of this I see how much God sacrificed for us through Jesus. So much more than we can even imagine. But, He had to let Jesus go. He had to let Him make the right decisions. He had to watch Him sacrifice Himself because God could see the bigger picture. That picture of all of His children knowing Him. Not lost and forgotten. Not different and alone. Accepted, loved and adopted into a family that allows mistakes…that allows sin to be forgiven…that allows us to free ourselves from our own cages of fear and guilt. And when we soar, all heaven rejoices! Can you even imagine.

Pastor Chuck, thank you for the inspiration. Your class has helped we walk back into that deep relationship with God that I have so needed for so many years. I have felt revived, energized and challenge to finish well.

Pastor Richard, thank you as well. For reminding me to always be a Christ Follower and not a Christian. Because I think sometimes we truly have forgotten that Christ is the one to follow, not each other.

Dean….thank you for always being there and always challenging me on what I believe.

Donna…thank you for challenging me to do even more. Girl, if I could just keep up with you I think I would be alright.

Barbara D...my dear, dear friend.  Thank you for always reminding me to look to Jesus and to get off my rump and walk and always speaking truthfully into my life.  No matter how hard it is...I love you for that.

Olivia…if you ever read this, thank you for being you. Because you are the reason that I know how much God cares for all His children.