Perceptions

I started this blog several days ago and then threw it away. I never realized that just a few days later I would be writing it again. The last several weeks my life has been spent on perception. I will listen to friends as we share old memories and it is so funny to hear how they remember and what you remember. I realized that through different times in our lives, our lack of wisdom and insecurities really play a part on our memories. We see our life through our own eyes and not the eyes of those around us. So perception plays a lot into how we live our lives, how we interact with others and remarkably how we interact with God.


Today, I am sitting at my desk watching a video of a young lady that I have only met a few times. But, through mutual friends and Caringbridge I have walked on a journey with them that I will never forget. Actually, there have been two young ladies now. One in Louisiana and now one here close to me. They both were amazing to me, not because they were ill, not because they had cancer and CF, but because they lived an abandoned life of today. This day was the one that mattered. The people they would meet, the way they talked, the way they loved was with everything they had. Total freedom and total love poured out of them. They did not have time to worry about their insecurities. Their perception of life was very much about today. Taking in all the things around us that sometimes in a hurry we miss.

It can be a small thing like remembering to smile at someone, the scent of flowers, the noise of the traffic, the cry of a newborn, the smell of rain. These are the things that are in the background and get missed. Why is this important, because it plays into the perception of that moment. If the only thing we remember is the guy yelling at the cabbie…we missed the smell of the rain to tell us we need an umbrella, the little baby crying that sweet little cry that reminds us that we are needed. It is not our little boy but we remember our baby and when they needed us. The eyes of our perception can be such a huge blessing to us if we use them.

I was watching "Love Happens" on Sunday and it reminded me of this. The movie is about a psychologist that gets a top selling book writing about how he survived after his wife died. He has some incredibly wise things to say but one that really stood out to me is when he took his class on a "field trip". He stopped traffic and took his class out to the middle of the street in front of the hotel. A very busy street. He tells them to say what you hear, see or smell. Then he takes them to the roof of the hotel and has them look out. His comment " It's still the same place but the view has changed." Yes, he is right. The view makes a lot of difference of how we perceive life.

Sometimes the days are not good. In my house, your perception may be that when we are home everything is fine. The truth is, everyday is a struggle. Everyday we start the day wondering what is in store. I hate talking about all the treatments, fears, struggles, complications and just the hardship of living life with a child that is so sick. When you look at life through those glasses, the perception could be very self involved. But we choose to look at higher things. Like our relationships, the people we love, what are they going through? But, as I watched the video today it hit me so hard. I saw the moments in her life that she felt were important and thought about my own. How many things I miss throughout the day. How many things I miss with Liv because…because I am tired, because I need a break, because ..because..because….then I remember how much time I miss with the Father….I just had this incredible picture of Kathy, in heaven today…hanging out with God and catching up on life. No questions…because she sees all the answers…just chatting back and forth. And I realized that our perceptions here are so limited and so self consumed. Today, I had a few calls that surprised me. But the things they were saying seemed so distant as I considered what Terri was going through losing her only daughter. What her Dad and brother were feeling. Though I know they were prepared, I know they will always feel the loss. And anything in my life seemed so insignificant and pale compared to the strength and love this family felt for each other.

So today I am making a shift in my perception. Today I want to live on a higher place where God truly is the center of my life, more than I have ever experienced. That the small things will not matter as much and my love abounds in my family and in my life without the insecurities, worries and frustrations that at the end of the day…really…do they matter?



In His grip



Barb

Father's Day

Father's Day




Sunday, June 20, 2010

9:28 AM

It is early morning and we would be heading off to church but Olivia has had a rough night.  I took the early am shift and Dean took the (up until 4 am) shift.  Then I start at 7:00 am with her.  It was a long night and as I started my day. in the early morning I thought about what a blessing for him to take that hard late/early morning shift. I can get up in the early morning, but to sleep five hours is such a blessing to me.  So,Today I am going to honor him by letting you see him through my eyes.

You hear me mention him here and there in the day to day situations that arise but I never really talk about him. Dean has travelled down some hard roads himself and took on some tough challenges that have made him who he is today. An honorable, strong, compassionate, tender, stubborn , amazing Dad and husband.


When we first started out on this journey together, almost 18 years ago, we had no idea the path of life we would live. Dean had a nice comfortable job as an Associate Pastor and I worked at Benson. We played, we spent money like there was no tomorrow and enjoyed life as a Newlywed couple. Then life settled in, that first blush of glow wore off and things started getting interesting.

To say that Dean has weathered storms that would be an understatement. I think he has weathered tsunami's. He stepped down from the job that he loved the most and was the passion of his heart, ministering. The church was going through a split and he just could not go through all that again. He had been a pastor for almost 20 years when that happened. Burn out comes to mind. So, he started his own business but really, was trying to overcome the hurt and pain of a church split. You have no idea what an emotional and spiritual struggle that can be.

Then we tried to get pregnant and couldn't. That took quite a toll. We finally heard the happy news and the man was completely lost. Shell shocked I believe. He had no idea the changes that would occur when we brought that baby girl home.

After the transplant , we moved to Atlanta. The job market was the highest unemployment in the country. Wow, it was something like 6.8%...who knew. He took whatever job he could get and started all over, at the bottom. Not an easy task for a man but he was more than willing to do it. He was doing what he thought was best for his family. All these changes, all these situations that could not be helped, all of our dreams falling by the wayside. But God had new dreams, new life, new hope for us that we had no idea existed.

Dean always says that God brings situations in your life so that you can see your heart. The heat gets turned up on that crucible so that all the dross comes to the top. That dross allows you to see where you have "come short of the glory" so to speak. I guess he would be the expert because over the eighteen years of marriage I have seen him choose to look at so much in his life and work so hard to get through it. The most critical part of why I love Dean so much is that he is willing to go through that process and grow from it. He willingly lays down his life so that he can see himself and change, grow and learn. He is willing to listen to me, to God, to those he holds himself accountable and grow. And when he grows, he never goes back. That is a promise I can count on. The last ten years have been so much stress. So much frustration, so many struggles in so many area's. It would seem that the heat of that crucible could be turned down. We both walk through it everyday. But through it all, instead of getting mad, angry, bitter,(not that those moments have not occurred), he has walked through all of it seeking God, turning his eyes on his own heart to make sure he is listening to God, and working it through all the way to the end. Never giving up, never giving in, never losing hope and if he does fall…well…he gets right back up and keeps walking.

Over the last ten years of struggle and almost 14 years of Olivia's life she has wrapped him around her finger. He loves her so much and so many times there is nothing we can do to help her. As a Dad you feel helpless and hopeless but he has learned to trust God, have hope in Him to overcome those natural instincts of frustration. Now he watches over her constantly, learning more and more of who she is and who she is becoming is amazing to him. Each and everyday, he grows to love her even more. When we are in the hospital Olivia doesn't want her Dad to do every little thing for her (like she does me, LOL) but she will not allow them to do any procedure on her or anything that she perceives is more than she can handle without her Dad there. He is her rock. He is her hero. He is her protector. What an amazing picture she is getting of God the Father. What an amazing Dad he is because he allowed himself those hard moments to listen and to hear.

Dean today I just want to thank you for being the Spiritual Head of our household and being an awesome Dad to Olivia. She truly got the Dad she needs to help her be the woman God that He is creating in her to be because you are in her life.

Love always,

In His Grip eternally

Barb

As I walk the Halls what do I see

Monday, June 14, 2010


I have been really praying, reading and trying to listen to God lately. Well, I try to do that all the time but sometimes doesn't God give you that nudge to go a little deeper? Just a little quieter so you can listen a little better. Pressing in. sitting on his lap, talking and sharing. I am not sure if it is the recent circumstances and us drawing nearer to Olivia's transplant or the long ten years it has taken to get her. I just know that He has been whispering in my ear to stop and listen. But also to seek Him out and find His voice in the midst of the whirlwind called my life.


What did it take to get my attention? I am not sure if you have heard but Thursday evening they had a liver for Olivia. WOW. That tidbit of information stopped me in my tracks. For years I have been begging, pleading, seeking, battling to get here. But, even though we were finally listed I don't think it has really sunk in that the time is now. Unfortunately the size of the liver was too large for Olivia. But, what a wake up call. I realized we were now at the top of the list for her blood type. Again, WOW. At that moment my mind went into overdrive. It was a moment later that it started sinking in and in that still moment of my quiet time I started reflecting on life. I came to realize that in a short period of time my life will again be changed forever. I started feeling the pressure of all that needed to be done and assessing every part of m y life to make sure it is ready to be put on hold.



So, like every Mom in the world that runs a household I started my list. I started thinking through all the parts of life that needed to be tied up to get through this whole process. Even assessing families situations to make sure they are in line so we can make sure life is as de-stressed as possible. I am going through the checklist. Dean and I okay, check. Olivia experiencing anything she can and wants to, check(I don't want to miss a thing), Dog and House will be taken care of, check. Is the house clean enough to survive people staying there , check. You get the idea. There are forty other things on that list but I am sure you do not want to go through the whole list. I just want to make sure that physically, mentally, emotionally and most of all spiritually we are ready. Because this will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. The hardest thing Dean and I will walk through and I can't even imagine what it will be like for Olivia.


Part of that process is of course facing some realities of what that all means to Olivia and to us. Looking at all those scenario's. The good, we have a liver, it works wonderfully and life moves on or God deciding to heal Olivia by bringing her home. So, at the top of my list is assessing my relationship with God . I have to know where God and I stand. Can I really handle the strain our relationship could go through if Olivia were not here anymore. Not because I am begging him for a miracle, not because I expect things to go perfect, not because I know that the probability percentages are 30/70, all those things roll around in your head. But, because I want to know that no matter what, no matter if He decides to heal her by taking her home to be with Him…that I will still call Him Father. I will still call Him Friend. I will still call on Him period .But, as I have walked through these halls, I have seen something I did not expect to see.



Love. Love abounds. I found it in the place that I did not expect it. In me. For years, for whatever reason I always gave someone the benefit of the doubt. I always wanted to go the extra mile. I took seriously the personal responsibility of being Jesus' hands and feet. But, I never connected the significance of that until I walked these halls of the hospital these last few weeks. Seeing their pain, their hurt, their need makes me realize it is not my duty, my "calling", or my responsibility. Because God never did anything because it was His responsibility. He does all things as a loving Father.



As I was going down the hall I thought about what it would be like to be no longer a part of this place. That we have lived here for ten years is amazing. Olivia said the other day that it is sad when you call room service and they not only know your order but they know your name before you tell them. We have made friends, we have been a part of their lives, we have loved, laughed and hurt with them. I have seen the years on my face. I have seen the stress walk over me and some days I want to run from this place and never return. But I realized I was a little sad. Because soon, no matter the circumstances, I feel that this season in our life is coming to a close. The part where we live here all the time. And I cried. Not because I did not want to move on in life, I do. But because I realize that the one thing that God may have gotten close to perfecting in me through this fire is the ability to love. Love those that are unlovable. Care, for those that do not always have the best attitudes and give beyond what I have because there is always a need. My heart has been expanded ten fold to those around me. Not just here at the hospital but this place has been a tool that God has used in my life to make me stronger but also to make me softer, compassionate and to learn to love at greater depths.



Please, I know I have not been perfected in these area's, just ask Dean. But, I am so much farther down the road than I could have ever imagined and if God has allowed me to feel that much compassion for people, that much love for them…then the answer to my question was there all along, wasn't it. Because if I can feel that for those I don't know, how much more can I feel that for a Father that has done more for me than I could ever have known. So, today. I realize that love is beyond us. It is outpouring out of us if we know Him who has always wanted to be our Father, our Dad, our Daddy, our friend. He created us to love, outside of ourselves, beyond our boundaries, beyond our walls. And if He loves me enough to change my heart then no matter what happens I will always call Him "Dad".

Life…is the glass half full or half empty

Once again we are sitting in this hospital room just waiting and waiting. We wait for Olivia to get sicker or get better but something so we can move to the next step. The next day sometimes. When I am in the hospital I feel so trapped sometimes. Not by Olivia or her illness but unavailable to do anything. It drives me crazy. Just in one week I had a good friend that she got the call that they thought her baby boy had leukemia, a friend's Dad is very ill and fell and broke his hip, another dear friend's daughter is graduating and I am missing it, VBS is this week and it is the first one we have missed in six years. I have missed so many things over the year. Our life seems to always be on hold. I know it doesn't mean as much to my friends as it does to me but so far I have had to miss so many things because of this liver that is so sick. Being there for other people and being able to be a shoulder to lean on, to give hope when needed, share in their lives, share in their kids accomplishements, hold a hand or just "rush over to be there" is what means more to me than anyone will ever know. I may be an introvert but I love caring about others. Especially those that have walked into my life for a reason or season. So let's call this my half empty day.




But, as I walk the halls of this place I see so many with so little. I took the little we had the other day to buy this one little boy a pair of pajama's. He is three and has no family that I can see and there is an "alert" on his door which means DHS is somehow involved. He has been here this whole time with no Mom, No Dad, just nurses to love on him, read to him, sooth him and play with him. Then I met this girl.



The girl is a teenager with a very hard edge. The first time she saw me and I said hello she despised me. How do I know. She told me. It stopped me in my tracks. But I just gently moved on as if she said nothing. Then the next day, we were in the kitchen together. She wanted Ranch Dressing, demanding that a Nurse find it for her, and did not want to leave to find it because of her food being in the area. She did not want anyone to touch it or take it. This was the hospital tray that even if that did happen she could get another. So I offered to watch over it while she searched the floor for dressing. She huffed, but she walked out with the nurse. So I stayed. When she came back, she completely ignored me. You could almost see the disgust from her. Later in the afternoon I was on the elevator with her. She said nothing to me. I just nodded and said Hi to recognize her. Then out of no where she snapped "You don't know what I am going through!!!" Just as gently as she was loud I responded "You don't know what I am going through, we are here, we are all going through something" She just glared at me. Through all of this I could not figure out why she detested the sight of me. There were lots of Moms on this floor. Was I the only one? Usually kids like me and seek me out, I was completely perplexed.



So. Today, once again as I am in the kitchen, she walks in. When she sees me she explains to me that I do not know what she is going through. Like this is some mantra she has going on in her head just waiting on me to tell it to! I stand there and listen for a moment, then I ask her." Honey, what are you going through?" then she just unloads. She tells me about her diabetes, taking 8 shots a day and she has seizures with them. Then out of the blue she says "I know your daughter does not have to deal with all that!' She almost spews it at me. Dumbfounded, I thought "God please give me the right words, only you could have continued to bring this girl to my side"…and then I explained to her that Olivia does take 8 shots a day, she has had a liver transplant and is waiting on another one and she has CF. As I start talking I realize how sick Olivia really is but then I see in this girls eyes that she is overwhelmed. So I just end with telling her that both of them are really brave girls. They both have a lot going on. But, then she says "But she has her Mommy here and I don't! I don't have a Mommy" Oh my goodness. The weight of the world just fell on my shoulders. In one second I realized that this girl was not angry at me for no reason I just represented to her all that she did not have. My heart broke and tears were trying hard not to flow. All I could say was that she was right. But both girls had struggles and though Olivia had a Mom she had to face the reality that she could die, all the time. Then the girl started talking. Not shouting, not demanding attention, not trying to make sure I understood anything, she just wanted to know how she could be better. How could her life get better in such a horrible neglected situation.



What an opening. I talked to her about the fact that she did have choices in her life. That she could do so much more by seeing the good in things around her instead of the hard things. That she could change her life. She needed to see her glass half full not half empty. Then little tears were forming and she wanted to know how to do that….I told I would be glad to talk with her anytime because the nurse had come in to take her back. But I know God is opening the door because that little girl needs Jesus.



So, though at times I feel sorry for the things I miss, God gives me timely appointments. He must have needed me here more than there. Because all my friends have mostly great kids, good lives (not saying we don't have problems just in the scheme of life) and people that care about us. They will rush to our side when we really need it. But these little ones not only do not have that but, they have no where to turn to get it. They really need Jesus with arms to hug them, soft, gentle voices to sooth them and wisdom to help them go above their circumstances. They need Him more than I will ever know.



So this week, when life is getting you down. You are having a half empty glass day…well, take another look at that glass because God will show you how to fill it up :)



In His Grip,



Barb

Live, Love and Laugh often

It has been so many days since I have blogged. Blogging takes time. It takes time for me to listen. Listen to my heart, listen to God and listen to life around me. So today happens to be the day to blog. Finally, I can hear and write above the clutter. Above the emotions and above the noise.




When I sit down to write though, I get so frustrated with myself. My heart is to be light but my writing becomes heavy I think. I really enjoy those who can write with a lot of humor. I love to laugh. In fact, our family has a policy that as long as you can laugh you can make it. And we do a lot of laughing. But then I sit down to write what is in my heart. What has been going on around me and what God is doing in the moment and I get so serious. Ugggh. I read my stuff sometimes and I am so thankful it is a blog and not a book. I would be so bored. Because some of my favorite things in life is laughter. I love the books that you can't put down because you laugh out loud. I love my friend Melissa's blog because she writes about being a Boy Mom and she is so funny. She helps you laugh with her and at yourself. My friend Donna, when she writes I can't put the book down and I know I have to be in the middle of all the characters lives. My friend Barbara writes so many adventures, you are just waiting around the next corner to find out what happens. But for some reason those styles do not evolve when I write. So for you and I , as we sit here and read/write on…I pray God tells you something and you do not get bored. I don't get bored with God…just the serious side of my nature.



But I can say my life is a constant adventure. I can say that though I may write in a serious tone, I live for that adventure I know God is doing. He does keep things very interesting for me. For the last several months I have spent most of my time in a hospital room and then the last two weeks at home. For six weeks of that time I have been sitting in a hospital room living life inside the 5th floor of the hospital. When you are in the hospital so long, your life becomes very different from home. You develop relationships with your Therapist, nurses, staff, families and patients. So you see a lot of characters that even become a play. I would love to see what Tyler Perry could do with a hospital setting. It could become quite comical. You also become attached to these people. Their lives, their heart aches, their struggles all become a part of your life. You see things through their eyes because the hospital is a great equalizer. There is no economic stratus in the hospital. There is no Mom that cannot empathize with you and you with her. Because you are all wanting to have the same outcome. A healthier child and to give them more life.



We met this wonderful Pastor and his wife, along with their daughter. The daughter's baby has struggled from birth and is in the unit at the hospital. He has been there for 90 something days. Can you imagine? But the sweetest, kindest people I have met. They have a love for the Lord that outshines anyone. The joy is amazing in them even within their struggles. They exemplify "Blessed are the weak for He will make them strong"… what a blessing and encouragement to Dean and I. They Pastor a church in Conyers, which I can't wait to visit, and have a very committed congregation. I could go on with story after story but my favorite is the Target story. Because this story is so amazing to me.



One day in Target, a very pregnant single Mom was trying on clothes. Her heart was heavy because of her situation. It is hard to hide a very pregnant belly. But, this Mom had started coming to church and had given her life over to Jesus a few months before. Her shame of being a pregnant lady out of marriage was still hanging over her head. The forgiveness of God she understood but still there are people who would not understand. She was very close to the Pastor's wife and was always being encouraged by them that God loves her and her baby all the same. But her concern was how would God use her even in her circumstances.



Until this day in Target. Today, this day in Target, the Glory of God would shine through this young lady more than she would have ever known. As she was trying on her clothes, trying to find something that would fit her she heard three girls in the other stall trying on clothes. They were talking , laughing and having fun. In time you heard the one girl express excitement over one dress. That one dress that would work perfectly for her job interview. The problem, as the girls pooled all their resources of money together there was just not enough to buy the dress. They all three left the stall with a heavy heart and hopes dashed. As the single(yet to be Mom) listened, she thought about how she could help them. She called the Pastor's wife to make sure she should do it. Should she even attempt to interfere. But her heart told her that God wanted her too. As she talked to the Pastor's wife, she had her confirmation that God was in her heart. So she picked the dress up where it had been discarded and took it to the register and paid for it. When she found the girls, she handed them the dress and a card. They were completely shocked. They just knew there had to be strings attached to it. She explained that there was nothing to be done. Go and be blessed and if they wanted to come to her church she had a card with the information. But nothing was required. Just a small gift for someone that was struggling.



The girls took the information and walked away. Completely Shocked. The girl with the interview decided to check out the church. When she did, eventually her and her whole family was saved and after several years are still attending that church.



How awesome is that. We have been talking about walking out our Faith at church that last couple of Sunday's I have been able to attend. To me , that is what church is all about. We see people all the time. We talk with them in the grocery line, at the post office, on our "power walk" or even over the driveway or our backyard fences. But when that still small voice says "Go ahead and give them a hand with their lawn" or "Pay for their groceries" or "bake that pie they like"… do we do it? Because the call of God is not always about going out on the mission field in Uganda…it is about your neighbor next door. And then the adventures begin. Because you are allowing God to move you through your life, touching, living and growing not only in God but also in relationship. That is where we learn so much. In relationships. I have to say I have been on both sides of this story. I have been the giver and I have been the one in need and a grocery worker come up and pay my bill. The sweetest, hardest woman I have ever met. I have also been the one to bake a meal and receive a wonderful meal. So through it all, I have learned so much. Not about others as much about me. About who I am, About Who God is growing me up to be and also how many times I have missed Him. How I have not listened and acknowledged the sweetest whisper to my ear. Those times must really hurt His heart.



That story so impacted me. Not because it was about the dress but it was about someone who was able to see how God could use them in a mighty way even though they may have just had a little to give. Like the widow's mite. It was not about the money, it was about the heart. I have been so blessed in my life. I have some pretty incredible friends. Sometimes they have been more a friend to me than I could ever be to them. But through it all….I have met the face of Jesus along that road through so many. I just encourage you to listen, laugh, learn and grow. If you do, I promise you will never be bored. Your writing may still be too serious but your heart will be full of love, compassion, care and most of Jesus.

In His Grip eternally
Barb

The Wall of Fire

Zechariah 2:5, " I myself will be a wall of fire around it,' declares the LORD, 'and I will be its glory within.'




That scripture is what I have been standing on since one of my prayer partners sent it to me three days ago. Because when she called, it had been the first day I had felt peace in weeks. It was the first day I had felt really, really calm. Too many nights without sleep, too many days of differing opinions, and too many hours knowing that we were going to walk in this place but I thought this time the miracle would be….well, that it would be easier than before. That we would show up, they tell us we finally need a new liver, we would get on the list, get one and finally take the journey out of the hospital and on to new ground. A new mission field that we might be called too.

But as reality starts to seep in…well, I realized we were going to be walking this road a little longer than I hoped and I was not walking it with joy. Actually frustrated. How do you really walk through this? I know there are so many people that have walked through harder things in life. I know I don't necessarily deserve to walk through life without any hardship. I committed a long time ago, "Lord, Send Me" and I meant it, and still do, with all of my heart.

My mind knows all of those things but, this is not me laying in that hospital bed. I wish it were. That would be so much easier. Because I know everyday I would not like it but, I could weather the storm. But not my child. There is nothing more heart wrenching than watching your child suffer. No matter if it is playing a bad ball game, friends not being nice to them, whatever hearts their heart or body….being a Mom is not easy. Frankly, you do hurt worse than they do.



The hurt and guilt only increases when you have to make decisions for them that will be a tough love thing. Dean and I made the decision to get Olivia a port. Because of the benefits of having one out weighed her not having one. But the procedure did not go well, she got very sick from it and it was horribly sore. All I could think was "thanks Lord, could you help me out here". In the next few days she will be getting an insulin pump. When we talked about it tears just started rolling down her face. But, she will do it because we have told her the benefits will out weigh not having one. Her sugar is way out of control. She needs it…all I can think "Lord, could you help me out here?" We have told her she needs the transplant and she is not happy about that. She does not see that it will make her better. And all I can think is "Lord, could you help me out here?". Because one day, all of this is finally going to overwhelm her. One day, she will look at us and know we made those decisions and she paid the price. She endured the pain. She walked through the struggle alone. Because we could not walk with her, where she has to go. Then in a glimpse, I see my Father. I see his pain. I see His Son having to walk to a place that He cannot go and He told Him this was the best plan. And Jesus bore that pain for me. And though it does not erase the hurt, the guilt, and the pain it does bring comfort to this hurting heart. That my God get's it. He understands it and Jesus can and will be with Olivia through each and every step we cannot take with her. Though I may not see it, the trace of His Hand is evident each and every day.



So, how do we get to that "wall of fire" from here? We don't. That wall is built by the prayers of the people surrounding us, me, Olivia and Dean each and every day. That wall allows me to see through the confusion, the influences that are not of God and stealing my peace and gives me the opportunity to share my Dad with anyone who will listen. Because to me, He is my hope, my help, my comfort in my hour of need….



It is amazing to me to watch the influences around me, surround me. When Donna called and told me about the scripture, I just stopped. Then, when I got alone I realized that so much confusion had been surrounding us. That every Doctor was saying something different. That every time I would say to a Doctor "but she is stable, right?" they would not quite meet my eyes. They would just start talking about what they thought they might try today. But the fervent prayers had not been realized yet. Almost like the time in the Bible where Michael came and said "I have been trying to get here for 30 days to tell you the answer but was held back". Before I even knew what was happening in the Spirit World with all the confusion, God had already started sending Angels to be that wall of fire around us so that His glory could be seen. What an incredible magnitude of the power of prayer. What is amazing to me is the way God walks in and just does His thing without me realizing it.



I am no longer frustrated. I am no longer without joy. God sent a message to me that He has it under control and all of this is for His glory. For His story to be told. And His story is that He is a Dad, a Father, My God, My Healer, My comforter, and my Friend. Through all of this, at the end of the day not matter if I scream, holler, get frustrated, lose my joy…that wall of fire will protect the Glory that God wants to tell about himself. Because in my vulnerability God can talk. And without Him…I promise…no one could walk through this. Thank God, I am not walking alone.



Tell your story, give God the glory, allow your self to be real and vulnerable. You will be amazed at what will happen. Because your story is yours and no one will be able to live it like you do.



In His Grip



Barb

Season of life

I am sitting in this little 10x10 hospital room taking in all the smells, the sounds and the chaos that surrounds us being in the hospital. I look around thinking that in some ways this has become such a normal routine. Some kids go to summer camp. Some kids go to karate. We go to the hospital. In a way it is a good thing. You know your nurses, your Doctors, you have established family with these friends. Just yesterday one of the chaplains was singing in the hall, just because, Dean joined in then two more and two more…it was a church service right in the middle of the hospital. But here, they get that. Here, you can talk about an Almighty God. They see Him all day working in and amongst these kids lives. They are not ashamed but depend on the miracle of who God is. It has also become an expectation that we will bring Him with us as well. We are asked "Can you talk with this family?" , "I want to introduce you to this Mom", " This baby has no one here, can you hug on him/her a bit today?" and I am more than willing.

We have been ministering in this hospital for ten years. I would say we are missionaries in a mission field that not just anyone can enter. You can pack your bags and study the Chinese language and go into missions. You can become a tent maker in the middle of Africa and what a beautiful testimony that can be. But not just anyone can enter the hospital and call it a mission field.

I don't always see it that way until they come flooding in my room. The nurses and techs want to update me on their lives and what is going on. They want me to pray for them. Most of all, they want to know that all t he hard work they put in for these kids means something. That someone sees past their scrubs and knows they are people with lives and are doing this because they love it. It is one thing to come in and volunteer but it is a completely different circumstance when you walk with them and they walk with you through some of the hardest things you will ever endure. The same is true of the parents on the floor. No just anyone can relate to the hardship they are enduring. Only when you have had those hard nights and long days of no sleep, no real rest, and Doctors coming at you with all kinds of issues that you can't even begin to understand can you really reach them and hopefully share the one and only comforter with them. Because you have earned that right with them.

So here I sit, in my mission field. But I am a little sad. I feel the Lord changing things. I see Him getting us ready for transplant and I believe with all of my heart that this will end this long hard journey. At least the most difficult part. We are moving to a different floor on Monday to be with the CF patients to get Olivia's lungs ready for transplant and honestly I don't like that floor. My family is on the 6th floor. But I know that is also something God may be doing to get us ready to separate from this hospital world. WOW, I said it out loud. I have never been a missionary but I think we have all had seasons in our life that have become known, comfortable because we understand it…maybe we did not like it…but we knew this was where we were meant to be for the moment and made the best of it. Then God changes our "known" to walk a new path. And I am going to be gut honest, I am more than a bit scared. When I allow myself to think about a second transplant, a new healing for Olivia, a normal-regular life that could be ahead. Just the dreams that I have had on hold…the "life" we have put on hold….I get overwhelmed. I want to dream and dream big. I want to have to get up, get school done, go to Homeschool COOP, make some ladies meetings, and have coffee with my friends. They may seem like simple dreams to you but to me, they are huge! If nothing else, over the last ten years I have learned the true meaning of relationships and friendships and there is not price to that.

But in my dreams, in my moments of talking with the Lord I am wondering where that next mission field will be. I have always lived my life with the thought of reaching people for the Lord. But more of a missionary mind than just sharing the gospel with them. I know what it means to have the hands and feet of the gospel presented to you. It changes you, your heart and your life.

I have lived in this bubble so long that the thought of painting a new canvas in my life seems strange and impossible. But all these years have taught me that filling your life with color, with different brush strokes, with beauty from the ashes opens up your heart to live, really live. All over my house I have this saying that is most common these days but means so much to me "live, love and laugh often". This to me is the beauty of life. It brings to mind all those hurting parents, nurses, Doctors lives we have been a part of. It is all those kids that I love to love. It is all my friends that surround me with their support and prayer. It is the essence of a life well lived.

Because when you can live when you think you can't take another step, when you can love beyond your outstretched arms, and laugh wholeheartedly because you are confident and happy…my friend you have bloomed where God planted you and you have lived a beautiful life full of God's grace.

Have a wonderful Easter! Sunday is coming! Praise the Lord!

In His Grip,



Barb